The Amusing Reviews: Merlin, Series One
by queenoftheoutlands
Summary: Episodes 1-13, all reviewed amusingly by moi. Randomness! Slash Dragons! Sword Fighting! Arthur posing dramatically! Colin Morgan's insanely cute blue eyes! Shameless referencing of other fandoms! It's all inside!
1. The Dragon's V Loud Whisper

**The Amusing Reviews- Merlin (Series One)**

**Summary** As it says on the tin, BBC's Merlin, reviewed (amusingly) by moi.

**Warnings** Language. Innuendo. Implied slash. Shameless references to other fandoms

* * *

**Episode One- The Dragon's Call**

**I –** **a **_**Hill**_. **Not just any old hill. A **_**Hill**_**. And various other scenic locations**

Over the top of which strides Merlin, looking (and sexy) with his red scarf and blue shirt and stuffs. Whilst Merlin strolls casually and confidently over the hill our ever present narrator Mohinder Sparky John Hurt spouts deep stuff about how a young man cannot know his destiny. Then says the same thing again several times in increasingly elaborate language. Then he tells us just how _special _Merlin is. As if we can't tell, seeing as he just walked over a cliff in a and sexy way and thus must be the protagonist of the next 13 episodes of this show. Not to mention... The show is called _Merlin_.

*remembers that we haven't actually been told Merlin's name yet and this and sexy guy could be any warlock. Ha ha.* (moment of sarcasm over)

**JOHN HURT** His name..._ Merlin_

Really. Never would have guessed that. (I lied about the sarcasm)

This music really reminds me of "All the Strange, Strange Creatures" (which is a piece of incidental music from Doctor Who, don'cha know)

**Opening Titles** (complete with soaring music, clips from the series, golden sparky-dust and Colin Morgan's sexy magic-eyes)

**II – Camelot** **(big non CGI castle with big CGI town to hide the fact that there is a large French road there in reality)**

Impressed!Merlin is impressed.

Some interesting zoomy camera work on Merlin. Funness, although if they do that a lot I might get dizzy.

Ominous drums and horn trumpet things. I sense badstuffs. Apparently Merlin does too. As if the scaffold wasn't enough of a giveaway. Enter a prisoner with a guard on either side. Though they are walking through an empty space at first, in the overhead shot the crowd are parting to let them through *shrugs*

Anthony Head (squee) does his speech thing. Apparently the guy who is about to be executed was conspiring to use enchantments and magic. Erm... King Uther Head? Aren't they the same thing? Worried!Merlin is worried. Mysterious woman (also wearing blue, cause apparently blue and red are much loved colours in the costume department) watches from a window. More soaring music and ominous drumming.

You know, it's kinda weird that this guy is having his head chopped off. Surely a peasant (which this guy is, by the look of him) would be hanged or something. Meh, I guess head-chopping is quicker.

Mysterious woman ish not happy. Merlin looks like Uther just personally gutted his kitten in front of him.

**UTHER **Dragons and shit are ebil, k? So, since I just killed a bloke who did ebil shit... I'm gonna have a party to celebrate!

Cue wailing (in a Welsh accent) Everybody backs away, cause it's FREAKYEBILOLDWOMAN!GWEN COOPER! She doesn't actually look that upset, to be honest, just slightly annoyed. Probably all those prosthetics wrinkles.

**WITCH!GWEN** *wailingly* You are the ebil one. You took my son, now I make yours DIE, BITCH!

**UTHER** Oh crap

**WITCH!GWEN** *necklacegrab* *unintelligablewailingspell**screamingtornadoofdeath* *disappears*

The mysterious woman closes her window, mysteriously.

Merlin knocks on Gaius' door and gets no answer. What does Merlin do? Yup, go inside anyway. For some reason there is a Donnie Darko rabbit mask on a table. And it's only after a bit more snooping that he actually notices Gaius standing on a precarious balcony. So precarious that it breaks apart when Merlin coughs. Luckily, Merlin is a Time Lord in disguise and manages to slow down time enough to move a bed which Gaius can land on. What a bed is doing in the middle of his workroom I have no idea. But we do get some nice magic-golden eyes from Colin Morgan 

**GAUIS** WTF just happened?

**MERLIN** Nothing *shifty eyes* No, it was absolutely nothing to do with me. Not me at all. I don't know why you are looking at me, because it wasn't me *puts hands in pockets and whistles innocently*

**GAIUS** You know MAGIC!

**MERLIN** I... don't?

**GAIUS **Are you lying to me? *deathglare*

**MERLIN** *cowers*

**GAIUS **Who the hell are you anyway?

Apparently Merlin's mother knows Gaius (heh...) which is probably the reason why Gaius promises not to tell Uther about Merlin's _special_ness. That and, Merlin's _special_ness just saved him from major back injury.

Guest star for all of twenty seconds (aka. Hunith) obviously doesn't see things the same way Virginia Gray does. Meanwhile, Gaius looks as if he's reading an epic novel and not a letter from a woman who thinks her son should be sent somewhere he could possibly be killed by a king in a sexy red cloak for his own safety.

**III – Window of execution viewing**

Mysterious woman (who is actually Uther's ward, Morgana) hasn't moved from the window all day, so Uther comes to fetch her (still wearing his long flappy cloak of kingness) They argue cryptically about something that happened twenty years ago for a while.

**UTHER** Magic is bad. The end. Now do what I say or else *leaves in silhouette of coak flappyness*

**MORGANA** Die bitch

**IV – Creepy Forest**

Some very wise (*cough*) person has decided to set up their travelling tent in the middle of a creepy forest. Just to add to the creepiness, a woman is humming. Creepily. And with a Welsh accent. This turns out to be Gwen Cooper Lady Helen, who has nothing better to do with her life than look at mirrors and play with her hair.

**TREES** *rustle*

**HELEN** *turnaroundwideeyes*

**GUARDS** *swordposing*

**CREEPY McCREEPFACE** *hums creepily*

Creepy McCreepface turns out to be the witch lady from Camelot, who's voice is freakishly similar to that of Lady Helen (*coughcough*) As if to prove the point, WitchLady stabs a voodoo doll with a dagger until Lady Helen dies on the couch. WitchLady then uses her magic necklace of doom to turn herself into Lady Helen. And Eve Myles is happy because she no longer has to wear prosthetics this episode... or not, because reflective surfaces still show the WitchLady reflection. Oh well.

**V – Back in Camelot**

**JOHN HURT** *loudest whisper in the history of the universe*_ Merlin_...

Close up of Colin Morgan's insanely cute blue eyes. At breakfast, Gaius tricks Merlin into using magic to stop a bucket of water from falling off a table. So much for subtlety, Gaius.

**GAIUS** Well, we'd better keep you out of trouble

**MERLIN** By tricking me into using magic? Good plan.

**GAIUS** You can be my personal assistant, isn't that great?

**MERLIN** *facepalm*

Merlin goes off for a day of giving remedies to various people and gawking at architecture. Then runs into somebody's target practise. Luckily, that somebody is sexy blonde prince Arthur, who has blue eyes of cuteness to rival Colin Morgan's. And a cheeky smile. Unfortunately, Merlin does not find the harassing of servants funny.

**MERLIN** Stop plz

**PRINCE SEXY ()** Do I know you?

**MERLIN **I'm Merlin

**ARTHUR** So I don't know you

I think this might be Arthur's own personal brand of flirting. He then invites Merlin to hit him, which Merlin attempts, but Arthur manages to flip him round with his arm pinned behind his back in a position that really shouldn't look as sexual as it does. Then Arthur has Merlin thrown in jail for good measure.

**VI – Great Hall of chivalrousness **

Lady Helen (now Evil!Lady Helen) is wearing a long, flappy cloak to rival all long, flappy cloaks. Apparently she managed to get the real Lady Helen's body out of the tent. As per usual, she is accompanied by creepy humming. I want her purple dress. And Morgana's dress too. Uther is chivalrous. Helen is smiley.

**VII – Camelot jail cells**

**JOHN HURT**_ Merlin_...

Merlin puts his ear to the floor and sticks his ass in the air. Very dignified. Gaius, king of good (*cough*) timing, chooses that moment to come in and tell Merlin that he's an idiot but he's still managed to get Merlin released... but not before...

**VIII – STOCKS TIME!**

In which Merlin is pelted with tomatoes. And appears to be enjoying it *shrugs* Gwen, who also has very good (*cough*) timing, chooses that moment to turn up and flirt. She is also wearing very brightly coloured clothing for a servant. Apparently Arthur is a "rough, tough, save-the-cheerleader-save-the-world kind of man" and Merlin isn't.

**MERLIN** I'm in disguise

**MERLIN'S BEARD** heh...

**PEOPLE** TOMATO THROWING TIME!

**GWEN** Oh crap *runs away*

**IX – Gaius's cafe (today's special, gruel and leftover vegetables from the stocks)**

**MERLIN** My mother said that I was special

**GAIUS** You are special. The likes of which I have never seen before

**GABRIEL GRAY** *sulks*

**GAIUS** Now go take a preparation to Lady Helen

**MERLIN** Why?

**GAIUS** To advance this episode's plot. Now off you go

**X – Lady Helen's room**

Merlin knocks and then goes in without a reply... Again. The mirror is covered over. There is also a straw doll in a very conspicuous place and a big heavy book. , Lady Helen.

Lady Helen approaches, then stops in a corridor for a moment. Her evil senses are tingling.

**HELEN** What the fuck are you doing in my room?

**MERLIN** Erm...

**EVILREFLECTION!HELEN** *hiss*

**MERLIN** *runs for it*

Merlin then _also_ pauses in the corridor. His suspicion senses are tingling. He then goes out into the courtyard only to be stopped by... Prince Sexy. Aww, you've only just met him and you can't keep away from each other :)

**ARTHUR** Don't run away! *translation: I'm trying to flirt with you. Stand still*

**MERLIN ***strips off his jacket* Bring it, bitch

The Prat (Arthur) and Merlin then have an epic mace!fight, during which Arthur manages to wreck several merchants stalls without general complaint. Then again, they are probably used to it.

**MERLIN** *falls over*

**ARTHUR** You're in trouble now

WHY DO THESE THINGS HAVE TO SOUND SO SEXUAL?!?

Luckily Merlin is saved by some well timed (*cough*) magic which causes Arthur a very painful toe. Then Arthur causes Merlin a very painful something else.

**ARTHUR **There's something about you, Merlin. I can't quite put my finger on it

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** SQUEE!

**XI – Gaius' massage parlour **

Gaius ish not happy. Merlin rants about how if he can't use magic he is nothing and might as well die. My brain goes into connection overdrive. Merlin goes to his room to sprawl on his bed and sulk

**GAIUS** Merlin, sit up and take your shirt off

**MERLIN** TEH HECK?!

**GAIUS** Just do it, Merlin

**MERLIN** *takes shirt off*

**ENTIRE VEIWING POPULATION** *stare*

Gaius cleans Merlin's wound and they have a little heart-to-heart about being _special_. My brain explodes.

**XII – In which Lady Helen is (sarcasm)**

**HELEN** _Your son_ had _better_ be at _my performance_ tomorrow *hint hint, wink wink* He must have found it hard to grow up _without a mother_. The _bond between mother and son_ is _very hard_ to _replace_

**UTHER** *eats a strawberry*

**HELEN** What if you _married again_? *suggestive giggle*

**MY BRAIN** *recovered from connection-explosion* WTF? SHE'S AN EVIL OLD WITCH AND HE KILLED HER SON AND SHE'S FLIRTING WITH HIM!

**OBLIVIOUS!UTHER** *is oblivious*

**XIII –the Great Slash Dragon!**

**JOHN HURT**_ Merlin_... My throat is from whispering 'Merlin' over and over...

Gaius snores

Merlin goes off on a midnight stroll to somewhere deep below the castle and finds...

**GREAT DRAGON ()** You must help Arthur become king, kk, cos you haz _DESTINY_!

**MERLIN** What are you? The Great Slash Dragon?

**GSD **Basically... Yeah *flies away* _DESTINY_, MERLIN! _DESTINY_! (never-ending chain goes 'clink clink')

**MERLIN** ... TEH HECK?!

**XIV – The next morning**

Gaius ish not happy with the state of Merlin's room, so Merlin gets shouted at and is told to go deliver something in a fancy looking bottle to Morgana, who is suffering from plot points nightmares. Once again, Merlin enters without knocking. Morgana fails to notice, because she is clever like that, and thinks that he is Gwen. Perhaps Gwen doesn't knock either.

**MORGANA** You know, I've been thinking about Arthur...

**ARTHUR/MORGANA SHIPPERS** *wait with baited breath*

**MORGANA** ... I wouldn't touch him with a lance pole

**ARTHUR/MORGANA SHIPPERS** *disappointed*

Morgana goes behind a screen and removes her dress from her shoulder in a way that is surely far too suggestive for Saturday night primetime television. Merlin continues pretending to be Gwen, instead of doing the intelligent thing and getting the hell out of there, until Gwen actually does turn up and save him. And the rest of us are left wondering how the heck Merlin's crappy impression actually fooled Morgana.

Why do they have to play that music whenever Merlin and Gwen are within three feet of each other? It is very disconcerting for the non-Merlin/Gwen shippers.

**XIIV – ****Evil old crone**** Lady Helen's room**

Ah, some servants in this place know her to knock. Though this woman is a total fangirl. Well, at least until she uncovers the mirror

**EVILREFLECTIONHELEN** *headturnapplehold*

**FANGIRLSERVANT** teh heck...?

**HELEN** Crapness

Helen sucks the life out of the fangirl simply by holding her wrist and humming creepily. Dead!fangirl is .

**XV – Lady Helen's performance. One night only. Cobwebs and evil enchantments included for free.**

Gaius has joined the hordes of people wearing blue. Morgana is looking rather like a medieval Bond Girl.

**ARTHUR** God have mercy

**ARTHUR/MORGANA SHIPPERS** W00t!

**MERLIN** *stare*

**MERLIN/MORGANA** **SHIPPERS** W00t!

**GWEN** She looks great, doesn't she?

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** W00t!

Gwen then goes on about how Morgana is born to be queen and how she wouldn't want to be like her. Plot points FTW.

**GWEN** Who would want to marry Arthur?

**MERLIN** ...

**GWEN** I like much more ordinary men like you

**MERLIN** Gwen, believe me, I am not ordinary

Feel the burn Gwen, you just got rejected. We all know who Merlin really likes.

Meanwhile...

Lady Helen is preparing for her performance (read: humming creepily over her necklace) Dead pale fangirl is still dead and pale.

For the first and only time this series, Uther is wearing a blue flappy cloak instead of a red one. And a rather nice circlet crown. It looks rather good on him. For some reason, his introduction of Lady Helen makes me laugh. He's like the conductor at a concert. An unseen band plays. Lady Helen's yellow dress is also rather nice (bringing the total of dresses from this episode that I want to own to about five. The number will probably increase as the series goes on)

Eve Myles has a nice singing voice (if it actually is Eve Myles singing) I wonder why Uther doesn't get suspicious when he hears the words. Maybe he thinks it's Welsh (which it might well be) The people fall asleep when they hear her, so Merlin covers his ears with his hands (as if that would be enough to block out the sound. His _special_ness probably makes him immune) Lady Helen is too busy staring sinisterly at Arthur to notice that Merlin isn't affected.

Note to all evil magic peeps. Don't stand under chandeliers when preparing to spear your enemy's son with a dagger. Why Lady Helen throws it instead of just going up and stabbing him I cannot guess. But eviloldcrone!Helen isn't finished yet, and manages to find the strength to hurl the dagger at Arthur anyway. Luckily, Merlin does his Time Lord thing and pulls Arthur out of the way... and on top of him.

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** Yay!

**EVILOLDCRONE!HELEN** Oh shit *dies*

Uther looks kind of shocked. To repay the debt, Uther makes Merlin Arthur's manservant.

**ARTHUR AND MERLIN** TEH HECK?!?

When they look at each other then look away again it is .

**XVI – Gaius' room of congratulations**

**GAIUS **I knew you were a hero from the moment I met you!

**MERLIN** No you didn't. You spent most of our first conversation yelling at me

**GAIUS** *ignores him* Hey! You can use your magic to protect Arthur

**MERLIN** Is everyone around here a slasher or something?!

**MERTHUR SLASHERS FAN CLUB (consisting of Gaius, Hunith and Sparky, the Great Slash Dragon)** _DESTINY!_ *drink coffee*

**GAIUS** Now, have this illegal magic book what I've been keeping safe, k?

**RANDOM GUARD PERSON** Yo, Merlin! Arthur wants you NOW!

**MERLIN** But it's the middle of the night

**GAIUS **Heh, heh, heh...

* * *

**NEXT TIME**

Sword fighting! Creepy guy in yellow. Arthur looking pissed! More sword fighting! Snakes! Angry Arthur! Worried Morgana! More sword fighting! Colin Morgan's accent slips!

Oh... and some sword fighting :)

**Reviews are love :)**


	2. Valliant is an evilsexysmugbastard

**The warning I forgot in the last chapter** Spoilers for all episodes of Merlim Series One and possible some Doctor Who spoilers

Erm, there were several mistakes in the review of The Dragon's Call due to the fact that the Document manager doesn't copy strikethroughs from Microsoft word. If anyone can tell me how to do this, I would be v. happy :)

Some of the jokes from this episode onwards (mostly the ones regarding the Merthur pairing) are adapted from the Slashy Commentaries by xxDibDabxx and Tornintopieces on the Merthur forum. Guys, it's a tribute to your awesomeness, so I hope you're fine with it. And anyone else who is a Merthur fan should join us on the forum, for 'tis v. fun.

**Episode Two- Valliant**

GSD (Great Slash Dragon) gives the opening introduction, which includes close ups of Colin Morgan's insanely cute blue eyes, with golden-magic-sparkiness to boot.

**I – Some creepy shop place**

A man walks through thecreepy shop place, glaring at just about everybody. Because he is glaring, he must be the_ badguy_ *el gaspeth* Eventually he finds a bald guy with a greasy smile.

**GLARING!MAN** I understand you have a shield for me *glare*

**GREASY-SMILE!MAN** You will win, cause my shield is the best *smiles greasily*

**AUDIENCE** *shudder*

The man speaks gobbledegook over the shield and the snakes in it come to life. Glaring!Man stops glaring long enough to look both impressed and frightened at the same time

**GREASY-SMILE!MAN** The snakes will obey only you

**AUDIENCE ***facepalm*

Glaring!Man orders the snakes to kill Greasy-smile!Man. Which they do. He then rides off to Camelot (on a horse) whilst wearing a flappy, yellow cloak. It is yellow, thus he must be awesome. A happy extra welcomes him to Camelot. Snakes hiss sinisterly in the background

**OPENING TITLES (why do they list Angel Colby before Bradley James?)**

**II – Merlin is v. useless at sword fighting**

Arthur can't even twirl a sword and insult his manservant without sounding like he is flirting (which he probably is) Merlin's helmet does not fit him at all.

**ARTHUR** *wacks Merlin's ass with the flat of his sword*

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** SQUEE!

**MERLIN **Can we stop now, plz?

Arthur answers by attacking Merlin again. Such a flirt. Arthur 'pwns Merlin, then swings a mace around his head (v. suggestively)

Gaius ish amused. Then he massages Merlin for the second time in as many episodes. Merlin complains a lot. Ah, Merlin, we all know you love it really. Merlin has also lost the ability to use magic without saying weird words, which is a shame because it was a whole lot cooler when it just happened. Gaius becomes not amused, but it's only because he doesn't want Merlin to be caught, poor guy. Merlin then mentions that it must be tough for Arthur, being chased by girls all the time (jealous much... Of the girls)

**GAIUS ***bonecrack*

**III – Gwen is a great big flirt and Merlin knows nothing about armour**

Gwen shows Merlin how armour works. Why Merlin actually has to try the armour on to learn it is a mystery. Gwen probably made him do it so she could look at him, the flirt.

**GWEN** I guess you know what to do with the helmet

**MY MIND** *in the gutter*

Once again, the helmet looks very silly on Merlin.

**GWEN** I am the blacksmith's daughter and therefore know all there is to know about (backstory) armour

**MERLIN** Erm... The flirting was going fine up until that point

**GWEN** Crap

Merlin leaves v. quickly and goes to dress Arthur. What fun :) Arthur is (scared out of his wits) not nervous at all

**MERLIN** Isn't that physically impossible

**ARTHUR** SHUT THE FUCK UP! *armourpose*Now, give me my sword, pleb. *strides away all importantly*

**MERLIN** o.0

**IV – The (****Triwizard) ****Tournament Stadium**

Morgana is wearing a cloak made of around twenty dead cats. All the knights enter and get clapped a lot. Now, if only they'd break into songs about dancing and spam... Or not. YellowCloakGlaring!Man is amongst them. He and Arthur glare at the world in general (though YellowCloak!Man looks badass, and Arthur just looks cranky) Merlin sticks his head around a wall because they ran out of seats for him.

The red, flappy cloak is back, and Uther is inside it somewhere.

**UTHER **Of course, none of you are as awesome as Arthur but we're gonna give you a jolly good tryout. FIGHTING TIME! *to Arthur* Win for me plz.

Arthur puts on his helmet v. dramatically and we switch to his body double (who is better at sword fighting) Merlin's cheering is a bit OTT, so adorable  There is some slo-mo sword swinging for a bit, until Arthur elbows his opponent in the face and he falls to the ground in a slo-mo way. Everyone ish v. pleased

Cue montage of more sword fighting, most of which involve Arthur and Glaring!Man (but not at the same time) Some mini shields are thrown around. Uther claps whilst bearing his teeth and looking like he wants to eat people's heads. Glaring!Man is a showoff, and decides to show off to Arthur

**GLARING!MAN (aka. Knight Valliant)** You was good *sinister smile-and-glare*

**MERLIN** *suspicious look*

**ARTHUR** ... What was all that about?

**MERLIN **Creep

Hey, somebody actually said exactly what I was thinking! I didn't even have to parody it! Merlin and Arthur share a little smile-giggle then Arthur pretends it didn't happen by listing a load of jobs for Merlin to do. You're in denial, Arthur. Luckily, Merlin ish _special _and can clean all Arthur's shiz using _teh magics_. Gaius ish not amused

**V – The Smug-off**

Uther and Valliant have a little chat about how awesome they are, then Uther invites the creep to flirt with his ward. Luckily, Morgana can see the badass-evil-sexiness. Well, maybe not the evil bit... Apparently the (Triwizard) Champion has the honour of escorting Morgana to the feast. Lovely, Uther, just lovely, selling off your ward as a Tournament prize.

Morgana is impressed. Arthur is not and sets to out-smug Valliant by chatting up Morgana too.

**MORGANA** Aww, you're just jealous

**ARTHUR** Don't see there's anything to be jealous of

V. jealous then

**VI – The haunted armoury**

Merlin is off to the armoury, which has been infected by sinister hissing.

**MERLIN** Hello?

Erm... Merlin, it's_ hissing_. But Merlin is a big strong warlock and isn't afraid of hissing things so he goes snooping around looking at other people's stuff... again... and gets winked at by one of the snakes on Valliant's shield. Hmm, a bit Harry Potter. Those snakes do look incredibly evil. Merlin reaches out to touch one and almost gets impaled by Valliant for his trouble. Hmm, I think it might be cold, his breath is showing in the air. Anyways, Merlin digs himself into a right large hole trying to make excuses and legs it.

Arthur doesn't think Merlin is capable of cleaning all that armour on his own. Ah, Arthur, you're boyfriend is _special_, see :) Cue "Merlin dressing Arthur montage" At one point Arthur looks at his wrist as if he's looking at a watch. Erm... yeah, I notice these minorly odd things. Merlin looks real happy when he's holding up the sword (see, I resisted say "Arthur's sword" because it would send my mind into the gutter) because he didn't forget it this time. I love Arthur's little smile when he says: "That was much better"_ SO_ SWEET! In fact, I love both their faces throughout the whole conversation. Merlin even wishes him luck!*dies happy*

**VII – The (****Quidditch World Cup****) Stadium**

Arthur: The original hoodie... yeah.

They still haven't saved any seats for poor Merlin. He has to stand on the side again. Aww, I guess he doesn't really mind. Uther's doing that tooth-bearing thing again. Erk.

OMGWTF! GAUIS JUST APPERATED NEXT TO MERLIN!

Gaius is such a slasher

More sword fighting. More OTT encouragement from Merlin. Uther, Gwen, Morgana and the twenty cats in Morgana's cape are nervous. Some Valliant montage. Uther is right, he is pretty aggressive with that sword of his (Mind. Out. Of. Gutter. Please.) Ah, now here we go, we actually get to see some snake-shield action. Pretty cool, if I do say so myself, but isn't attacking the opponent once he's down kind of odd? Nobody else has done it, why is Valliant suddenly allowed? And the opponent turns out to be badly hurt.

**VIII – Finally Gaius' room is used for what it was built for**

Gaius thinks the wound looks like a snake bite. Merlin is sceptical. Erm, folks, there are snakes on Valliant's shield. Valliant is a glaring womaniser. Two and two together. And Merlin actually saw the snake wink, and he's got magic, so surely he should work it out.

**GAIUS** Ah, but if we worked it out that quickly, there would be no plot

**MERLIN** OMGs, he was fighting Knight Valliant!

**GAIUS** *facepalm*

Merlin goes off on a stroll. Apparently Valliant likes strolling too. ... Why is there a giant chess piece in the middle of a hallway? Merlin once again snoops without knocking, but this time he has a good reason, I guess. Good thing the door isn't creaky. Like Morgana, last episode, Valliant isn't paying any attention whatsoever. He's too busy feeding live rats to his pet snakes (read: teasing them by holding the rat just out of reach) However, unlike Morgana last episode, Valliant is alerted by Merlin's shockgasp and goes for a snoop hunt... Then gives up after about half a minute.

Back in Gaius' room:

**MERLIN** Valliant is using magic to make the snakes on his shield come alive!

**GAIUS** Well, Uther won't give a damn unless you have proof

Hang on. If Uther hates magic so much then surely he'd take every accusation seriously, even if it was from a servant. That's what I'd do if I was a tyrannical-but-kinda-sexy-magic-hating-King.

**GAIUS** Do not question the plot

*facepalm*

**DYING!KNIGHT** *is dying*

Talking of which, you'd have thought they'd stop or delay the tournament until he gets better or at least ban Valliant because that's who the dying knight was fighting when the damage was caused.

**GAIUS **PLOT!

Eep!

**IX – The Stadium of Snakey Death! (because I could think of any more amusing Harry Potter references)**

Merlin gets Arthur all ready for another montagey sword fight. Arthur is v. confident. Morgana has given up on her cat-shawl and now appears to be wearing a rather large ferret around her neck. Arthur does some sword twirling. Valliant, meanwhile, is busy being suspicious and smiling creepily at Merlin. Of course, Arthur wins the latest montage of sword fighting doom. And Valliant wins his. And so Valliant shall fight Arthur in the final. Obvs.

Worried!Merlin is worried for Arthur. He doesn't want him to die a snakey death. See, Merlin, you really do care.

**GAIUS** I just had a great idea! If we get the antidote and cure Dying!Knight then he can tell Uther about the snakes and Uther will believe him

**MERLIN** Or he might think that Dying!Knight's injuries have made him into a raving lunatic and not believe him at all.

**GAIUS** Meh. So, I can haz antidote?

**MERLIN ***sigh*

Meanwhile...

All the knights are drinking wine and feasting. There is hope for singing from the diaphragm-a-lot yet!

**UTHER **Oi, Valliant! Do you think you can beat Arthur in a fight? (thinking: NEVAH!)

**VALLIANT** He is a great warrior and I hope I shall be a worthy opponent (thinking: I _KEEL_ him)

**ARTHUR** Erm, I am right here, you know.

**UTHER** You should stay in Camelot when the tournament is over

Erm... is Uther flirting with the badguy_ again_? Better not dwell on that one.

Anyways, Merlin goes a sneaking back into Valliant's room, because sneaking is what he is best at. Ooo, they did magicy golden ripples over the door when he magically opened the lock. Awesomes :)

The shield is sitting v. obviously on a chair. Valliant is a bit better at subtle than Lady Helen... But not much. Merlin steals his sword to protect himself from snakey death. Then sticks his face right in the shield. V. intelligent, Merlin (*coughingfit*) OMGS! There is someone moving about outside. Don't just stand there, Merlin, HIDE FOR HECKS SAKE! Oh dear, now one of those snakes is coming to life behind Merlin's back... And totally gives itself away by hissing at him.

**MERLIN** *snakeheadchop*

YAY! Dead snake... Oh dear, the other two are coming out to play. RUN MERLIN (but don't forget your severed snake head)

Valliant does some more glaring. His cloak is v. long

Gaius extracts some poison from the dead snake's head.

**MERLIN** I'm gonna go tell Arthur now

**GAIUS** Kks. Don't forget your snake's head :)

**X – Arthur's chambers (Ooo, **_**nice**_**)**

Arthur doesn't think Merlin _haz teh skillz_ to chop of a dead snakey head

**MERLIN** It was VALLIANT!

**ARTHUR **Merlin, if I believed you right now then this entire episode would be ruined. Now go polish something

**MERLIN** But I haz PROOF!

**ARTHUR** Yes, there is a dead snakey head on my table. But I still don't believe you

**MERLIN** *facepalm*

Ooo, I just paused it on a frame of Bradley James look supremely sexy and sarcastic... I might bhave to stare at him for a bit... Done. Back to the review.

Merlin promises Arthur that he wouldn't lie to him. And Arthur changes his mind! And it's so lovely and sincere that I find myself unable to parody it *basks in loveliness of the scene*

OMGS! THERE IS A SNAKE WATCHING THEM! OH NOES!

**XI – Snakey death is painful and everyone in Camelot is a dimwit**

Uther and Valliant in long flappy cloaks, red and yellow (and pink and green, orange and purple and blue. I can see a rainbow etc.)

Arthur and Merlin look at Valliant all suspiciously

Meanwhile, Dying!Knight has become NoLongerDying!Knight

**NLD!KNIGHT** There was a snake on his shield

**GAIUS** You don't say...

Gaius leaves to find herbs and shit. NLD!Knight lies there looking queasy... HOLY CRAP IT'S THAT EBIL SNAKE! COME BACK GAIUS! COME BAAAAACK! The snake manages to get halfway up Queasy!Knight's bed UNDER THE COVERS with him only becoming a little suspicious. Maybe it's cause he's so queasy.

**SNAKE** Hiss (translation: Hi)

**QUEASY!KNIGHT** Oh shit

**SNAKE **_HISS! (_translation: Die, bitch)

**QUEASY!KNIGHT** *closeupdeath*

Uther and his flappy red cloak are not happy

**ARTHUR** Valliant is a dirty rotten cheat

**MORGANA AND GWEN** Teh heck?

**VALLIANT** Arthur is a cowardly liar

**UTHER** Seeing as I trust the word of a glaring knight in a flappy yellow cloak more than that of my own son I am going to sceptically ask you for proof

**MERLIN **I has snakey head of doom

**VALLIANT** *deathglare*

Meanwhile, it has taken Gaius a while to realise that his patient is slumped in a rather dead way on the bed

**GAIUS** Holy crap!

**DEAD!KNIGHT** *is dead*

In the hall again, Arthur is v. protective over his father. He's ready in case the snakes attack. Aww, lovely Arthur.

**SHEILD** *does nothing*

**VALLIANT** Ha ha, sucker

**SENSIBLE!ARTHUR** He isn't going to make the snakes come to life in front of you lot

**UTHER** Then I do not believe you, despite the fact that you have shown me the dead snake head.

Uther can be such a dimwit. And Valliant is a suck up, saying that Merlin is stupid and Arthur is a coward (only in slightly more polite language) GAIUS YOU TWIT, TELL THEM THAT DEAD!KNIGHT IS DEAD! And because Uther is being a dimwit he practically insults his son in front of all his knights. Poor Arthur. Merlin and Valliant exchange deathglares. Gaius is still being infuriatingly quiet. It is official, Camelot has been struck by the dimwit virus.

**XII – The scene that is impossible to parody**

Arthur is not happy. Merlin is sad. I am also sad because this is a v. emotional scene. Basically Arthur sacks Merlin then sits and broods angrily to sad music. And the only thing I can think of in this scene that is remotely funny is the fact that Arthur's coat/cloak looks a bit like a dressing gown

**XIII – The Dragon's Cave of Slash**

Merlin decides to go visit Sparky, the Great Slash Dragon, because that is a v. good way to drown his sorrows (sarcastically and metaphorically speaking)

**COLIN MORGAN** *accent slip* YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG PERSON *accent slip ends*

**GSD** *is nowhere*

**MERLIN **Screw you

At this moment, Sparky decides to show himself. And uses enough hinty language to make anyone's brain explode

**GSD** A half cannot hate what makes it whole

**MERLIN** Just what I needed. More (slashy hints) riddles

**GSD** Your and Arthur's path lie together

**MERLIN** *fingers in ears* Lalalalala, I'm not listening, lalalalala

**GSD** Fine. Be in denial, it's more fun that way *flies off*

**MERLIN** ... Screw you?

**XIV – The stairs of sulking**

Merlin is sitting on some stairs... Sulking

**GWEN** Hello, Merlin

She sounds far too seductive for Saturday primetime television. But she is more easily convinced about Valliant than either Gaius, Arthur or Uther, so that's alright.

**GWEN** What are you gonna do?

**MERLIN** I dunno... Sit here and sulk, I guess

Ah, but Gwen's having none of that. Good on her. Then Merlin spots a statue.

**MERLIN** *inspiration flash*

I love Gwen's total "wtf are you doing?" face when Merlin's trying to shift that dog statue. Gaius does it too *lols for a bit*

Ah, Merlin is gonna do teh magics. So, because this is the episode of montaging till our eyes fall out, we have a "Merlin tries and fails to bring the dog statue to life montage" and... hang on, that's not Merlin... That's Arthur falling over and dying and Valliant stabbing him...

**MORGANA** *wakes up* HOLY SHIT!

Then she watches Arthur do some sword twirling in the courtyard whilst looking worried.

Meanwhile, Merlin is still failing to do his magic thing. So he goes to see Arthur, who is being a total idiot because he thinks dying is better than being a coward. Merlin is not happy. He actually looks find of ashamed... I shall have to stop all this emotional stuff before my brain deflates. So thus we skip to...

**XV – The (****Third task****) Tournament Final (hey, I though of a new amusing Harry Potter reference! *is happy*)**

Merlin has been up all night trying to cast his spell, because no matter what Arthur might say he doesn't want him to die. Valliant is busy sharpening his sword in a threatening way. Arthur is staring a lot. Morgana is wearing a blue dress with a very long train and wants to help Arthur with his armour

**ARTHUR/MORGANA SHIPPERS** W00t!

Morgana has also picked up the "not say important things" virus that Gaius had earlier, because she doesn't tell him about her dream-of-doom, just tells him to be careful *shrugs*

I think I might want her hair as well as her dress

Slo-mo Arthur walking and people clapping. Gwen appears to be eating her own hands. Valliant and Arthur do a sort of sword hi-five before preparing to fight. Morgana's ferret is back and has sprouted over the rest of her neck and shoulders.

Meanwhile, Merlin gets woken up by a large slobbering dog, which he leaves Gaius to deal with because he has some sexy princely ass to save.

Arthur and Valliant fight, montagely. Uther looks like he wants to jump into the ring and glomp them both. Gwen looks quite frankly terrified. Arthur then knocks off Valliant's helmet, then takes off his own, cause he's fair like that. Plus, we want to use the proper actors and not just body doubles for the important shiz. The music has a four beat rhythm... is Valliant the Master in disguise *beats head against wall* Shut up, brain! Arthur gets well and truly 'pwned and the sand gets a stabbing. But cause Arthur is cool, he can fight Valliant even when he is on the floor. Valliant looks a bit crazy now. He is preparing for some snakey death. And Merlin chooses this, the last possible moment, to unleash some kickass magic.

**MERLIN ***does magic shiz*

**SNAKE#1** Hiss!

**SNAKE#2** Hiss!

**SNAKE#3** *is dead somewhere*

**UTHER AND REST OF CROWD** HOLY SHIT!

**VALLIANT **Crapness. Well, kill Arthur anyway

**SNAKES** *go on a prince-hunt*

**MORGANA** Arthur, catch this random sword *throws sword badassly*

**ARTHUR ***doublesnakeheadchop*

**VALLIANT **Double crapness

**ARTHUR** *stomachstab*

**VALLIANT ***dies*

The crowd goes bananas. Gwen looks like she might faint from relief. Merlin is v. happy.

**XVI – The feast of happiness**

Uther makes yet another speech and pretends he didn't insult Arthur in front of all his knights earlier in the episode. Arthur attempts to flirt with Morgana.

**MORGANA** If I didn't throw you that sword you would have died. Ha ha. And you are so proud I wish Valliant was escorting me

**ARTHUR** I wish that too, cause then I wouldn't have to listen to you

**MORGANA** Fine

**ARTHUR** Fine

One word Arthur. 'Pwned.

So Arthur goes off complaining to Merlin, of course :) Which means that he has just un-fired Merlin. Yay!

**MERLIN** Buy me a drink, we'll call it even

Meanwhile, at the Merthur shippers fanclub...

**HUNITH** So, what happened this time?

**GAIUS** Merlin asked Arthur out on a date to buy him a drink

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS FANCLUB** W00t! _DESTINY_!

*they all clink their glasses of cola*

* * *

**NEXT TIME**

Caves! Dead people with blue skin! A woman looking creepily into water... HOLY SHIZ, IT'S LADY CHRISTINA DE SOUZA FROM 'PLANET OF THE DEAD'!

See ya :)

(Yes, I know Michelle Ryan was in Merlin before she was in Doctor Who, but allow me my humour, k?)


	3. Teh Mark of Nimueh

**Episode 3 – The Mark of Nimueh**

Welcome back, bitches

**I – Drippy caves with ominous music**

Today we begin our story (I feel all dramatic, lol) in a drippy cave, where somebody is making things out of clay. Hmm, our badguy is an artist. We can tell she is a badguy because she is hanging around in drippy caves whilst sinister music plays in the background. Her eyes are blue, big surprise. There are enough people with blue eyes around here to... Well, I can't think of anything right now, but whatthecrap, I'll continue.

Blue-eyed-badguy-woman puts her clay thing in a ceramic egg with swirls on it, then speaks _teh magics_ whilst staring into the distance. Either she's half asleep or so _special _she can do _teh magics_ without paying attention.

The egg glows with a weird foetus thing inside. Sorceress woman looks proud. Aww, she has a baby :)

We are now treated to some CGI tunnels with the CGI egg going through them. Funness, but making me feel slightly queasy. It emerges sinisterly into an underground pond and does some slo-mo hatching. The Sorceress woman watches people collecting water in a stone bowl... Erm, well actually they are collecting the water in buckets but she is watching them in the stone bowl. She looks like she might laugh manically any second. Luckily we are spared that because we jump to...

**OPENING CREDITS (where sparkly montages are always cool)**

**II – OMGs, a dead body**

Merlin is scared of catching teh sickness. Gaius ish not impressed.

OMGs, the dead person isn't just dead. They is dead and BLUE!

Oddly, people are still walking around in the street despite the presence of a dead (and blue) body.

**GAIUS** People mustn't see this, they'll panic

...

*facepalm*

Meanwhile, Gwen has a sandwich for her dad. Did they have sandwiches in those days? She also has a bunch of flowers for some reason. Merlin is busy doing body-carting and Gwen seems to have picked up his snoop-virus because she starts nosing. Though this might just be an excuse to talk to Merlin. Merlin is v. crap at distractions but at least he gets a purple flower for his trouble. I think Gwen might have one in her hair. She goes to find Morgana. Morgana is smiling. A lot.

**MORGANA** You look happy

To be honest Morgana, you look happier. Stop grinning all over your face, it's disconcerting.

**GWEN **I picked these for you

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** W00t!

**GWEN** To cheer you up cause you're suffering from plotpoints.

**MORGANA **You cheer me up

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** *die of happiness*

**MORGANA** *smile*

Okay, Morgana, you are starting to scare me now.

Meanwhile, Gaius is examining the dead (and blue) person.

OH! Now I know what the infected people in the trailer for the Doctor Who episode _Waters of Mars_ remind me of! It's these dead and blue people! Run, Gaius, before they infect you too! But Gaius doesn't watch Doctor Who, so he just continues examining and talking to Merlin.

**GAIUS** I think this is caused by _TEH MAGICS_!

**ARTHUR **Did someone say _TEH MAGICS_?

**GAIUS** ... No

**ARTHUR** Oh, okay. Merlin, come and cater to my every need so I can ogle you

**MERLIN** *sigh*

**ARTHUR **Where did that flower come from? I didn't give you a flower

**MERLIN** Gwen did

**ARTHUR ***inward growling* Tell Gaius my father wants to see him

Arthur, Gaius is right behind Merlin. Tell him yourself.

**MERLIN **Gaius...

**GAIUS** I heard

YAY! Yet again somebody said it before I could parody it. Why does this make me feel happy?

**III – the hall of Worried Kinglyness**

There's another dead body on the ground. You'd have thought somebody would have moved it, but then again they're probably all afraid of turning blue themselves.

Worried!Uther is worried, but at least he trusts Gaius to find a cure. Gaius is vague _about teh magics_, but Uther won't be 'avin it (I nicked that one from my sister) Uther tells Arthur to "DO SOMETHING about it" Arthur agrees, because the poor guy feels a real need to impress his father. A couple of lost-looking extras hug in the background.

**UTHER **Lend Gaius your servant

**ARTHUR** Merlin?

**UTHER** DO IT!

Aww, Arthur doesn't want Merlin to go away. He like oogling him far too much :)

Thus, lotsa knights begin trooping around Camelot on a sorcerer hunt. Arthur's wearing that dressing gown again. Gaius and Merlin do some investigating. Merlin wants to use _teh magics_. Gais does not (surprise, surprise) He doesn't want his assistant being taken away by the Men in Red.

**GAIUS** I'm going to examine the contents of this blue man's stomach

**MERLIN **Will that tell you who did it?

**GAIUS** Yes, I will be able to see the sorcerer's face in the churned up goopy stuff

**MERLIN** Awesomes

...

**GAIUS **Merlin, have you ever come across something called sarcasm?

The conversation leads to a talk about _teh magics_, and it turns out that magic is neither good nor bed, it's how you use it. Thank you Gaius, for the cliché "wise mentor's" speech. Now back to the stomach juice...

Or not, because the Men in Red have just stormed in, looking for evidence of _teh magics_

**GAIUS** Oh crapness. Merlin, where is the book of _special_ness?

**MERLIN **I think that in a foolish moment I may have left it not hidden in the floor

**GAIUS** o.0

**MERLIN** That was a bad thing, wasn't it

**GAIUS** *nods*

**MERLIN** Teh crap.

And now, the greatest Arthur-line of the series so far...

**ARTHUR **Merlin... Come and look at what I've found

**MERLIN** Double teh crap *runs to room*

**ARTHUR** I've found a place where you can put things. It's called a cupboard.

_SQUEE!_

Merlin uses _teh magics_ to hide his book of _special_ness and Arthur gives up the search after looking at only one half of the room. V. intelligent (*cough*). Although... Maybe Arthur is in denial and is afraid that Merlin really is the sorcerer so he is not searching as hard as he should. Aww.

... Just a theory, but... Aww :)

I swear Arthur and Merlin are wearing the same shirt... Well, not exactly the same shirt that would just be... oh, you know what I mean.

**ARTHUR** How long will it take for you to find a cure

**GAIUS** That depends on how many interruptions I get *eyebrow-raise-epic!glare*

'Pwned, Arthur. 'P.w.n.e.d.

Gaius then turns the epic!glare on Merlin

**GAIUS **We must hide that book

**MERLIN **No, we must use it

Is it just me, or did he sound _seductive_ saying that? Better not dwell on that one.

**GAIUS** Be patient and stop all this magic nonsense. *wise mentor voice* Your time will come

**MERTHUR FANCLUB** _DESTINY_! *clink cola glasses*

**MERLIN** Did you just hear a load of people say '_DESTINY_'?

**GAIUS** ... No. Now pay attention, I have stomach juices to examine

Meanwhile, in the caves of doomness, Lady Christina de Evil's (aka: Nimueh's) clay baby is no longer a baby and has fangs. She looks so proud 

**IV – Many, many dead peoples and Uther's cloak has turned purple...**

... Maybe someone put it in to wash with one of Morgana's dresses

Arthur has searched the entire city and doesn't know where else to look. Erm, how about outside the city? How about _under_ the city? Hmm?

Arthur has been wearing the same worried expression throughout this whole scene. I hope his face isn't stuck that way.

ARGH! I WAS JUST BLINDED BY A CAMERA FLARE!

Better now... Now what's happening. Oh, it's another blue, veiny body. And Gaius is playing "dead body spot-the-difference" Merlin is losing.

**GAIUS** Remind you why I hired you

**MERLIN** ... Because I promised you cookies?

**GAIUS** *headdesk*

Thankfully they soon discover that the disease is spread by water. Maybe its cholera, doesn't that turn you blue? We did it in History :)

Thus, Merlin is sent to fetch some of teh _ebil _water

Meanwhile...

**GWEN** It's time to get up, Dad... Hang on, aren't you meant to be the one telling me this?

**GWEN'S DAD** *is blue*

**GWEN** Holy crap!

**GWEN'S CLOAK** *is flappy*

**MERLIN** *fetching teh _ebil _water* Teh heck?

Gwen goes to Gaius (and Merlin sneaks in behind her) and demands a cure.

**GAIUS** I don't have a cure

**GWEN** You _BASTARD_! *runs away*

I just made Gwen seem like a total bitch. Sorry Gwen *feels awkward* But you can't really demand a cure when the professional just told you he doesn't have one. Gaius then proceeds to kill the flower Gwen gave to Merlin by dunking in the teh _ebil_ water.

Colin Morgan has v. long legs

Why are all the beautiful actors so tall?

It's v. unfair.

Though Kristin Bell is the same height as me and she got to kiss Zachary Quinto...

...

:)

Meanwhile, back in the land of the sane:

**GAIUS ***snores*

**MERLIN **Screw science. I'm gonna do some _magics _and sort this shit out

Out after curfew, soldiers? Ooo, that's bad... Hang on, they are probably there to enforce curfew. Add that to the list of things that make me go "Hmm?"

Merlin does his shneaky thing around Camelot

**SUSPICIOUS!GUARD** *is suspicious*

**MERLIN** _Magics time_!

**DOOR** *faceslam*

With the guard distracted, Merlin breaks and enters into Gwen's house. But it's all for a good cause, so that's okay. Gwen is all snugly and worried looking for her blue father, even when she is asleep. Bless. Merlin puts a pouch of stuffs he prepared earlier under Gwen's dad's pillow, then does his _magic thang_.

**PILLOW** *is glowy*

**GWEN'S DAD** ...teh... heck...?

**GWEN** OMGs! You're alive!

**MERLIN** My work here is done *disappears into the night*

**V – Is that **_**ticking**_** in the background with Nimueh, or is my brain just magnifying the drips in an odd way?**

Gaius shows Uther the flower he killed in teh _ebil _water. Uther still looks worried. He commands Arthur to go and search outside of Camelot. Good, thank you, some sensibleness at last. Arthur and his dressing gown stride away importantly.

And now for the Gwen/Merlin moment. In which Gwen is smiley, Merlin states the obvious and Gwen is suspicious.

**MERLIN** I'm psychic

**GWEN** *gigglesnort's face off*

**MUSIC** *plays*

Whilst the music of Gwen/Merlin happiness is singing away, Arthur is looking grumpy and also being suspicious. Everyone is so suspicious this episode... I can't think why...

Sarcasm.

Anyways, Arthur is v. surprised to see Gwen's father alive and well.

**ARTHUR** Who was with you when you got better

**GWEN'S DAD** Erm... Gwen

Oh, and a sexy warlock watching through the window

**ARTHUR** Holy crap!

Arthur and the Men (read: Man) in Red, go on a hunt for _teh magics_ in Gwen's house. Surprise, surprise, they find Merlin's glowy pouch of s_pecial_ness. Oh dears. The Men in Red do what they have been trained to do since slightly after their fifth birthdays... Arrest teh sorcerer!

**GWEN** Teh crap?

**MORGANA** Gwen?

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** Save her Morgana! Save her!

**MORGANA** Arthur, you prat! She's innocent! Let her go!

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** YAY!

**ARTHUR** Do I look like I give a damn?

**MERLIN **Teh crap?

**GWEN/MERLIN SHIPPERS** Save her Merlin! Save her!

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** *grr*

**GWEN/MERLIN SHIPPERS** *grr*

**GAIUS **Crap, a shipping war. Run away Merlin *drags Merlin away*

**GWEN** HEEEEEeeeellllllpppppp...

Gaius yells at Merlin for a bit because he used _teh magics_ irresponsibly and now everyone thinks Gwen caused the disease. You know, if I caused a disease I wouldn't let my father catch it. Common sense, peoples. Of course Gwen didn't do it. But Merlin is gonna save the day the only way he knows how... By snooping on Gwen's trial!

Meanwhile, Morgana appears to have won the shipping war.

**MORGANA** I believe you Gwen!

**UTHER** I don't. Undo the spell or I will be forced to find you guilty

Hang on. That makes no sense at all. Surely if she had the power to undo the spell she would obviously be guilty of starting the disease anyway.

**UTHER** Die biatch

**MORGANA** NOOOOOOOOOO!

Arthur and Uther have an argument about being a good king which inspires Uther (I don't have a clue how) to burn Gwen to death. Lovely.

Merlin sulks to Gaius for a bit then goes to see Gwen. Morgana has already been there but Gwen talks to Merlin as if he's the first person she's seen in days.

**GWEN** Remember me *cries*

Oh god... Oh no. I am not going to think about Ianto... I am not going to cry... Oh dammit.

**VI – Merlin bursts into yet another room without knocking**

This happens whilst Uther and his council of random are thinking about how to get rid of teh ebil water.

**MERLIN** It was me! Gwen is not the sorcerer, I am!

AH-HA! Finally, we're gonna see Merlin himself in proper danger instead of him just going around saving Arthur (and now Gwen's) ass all the time. Now this is the stuff I enjoy.

**GAIUS** He doesn't know what he's talking about

**MERLIN** Shut up Gaius

**GAIUS** o.0

**UTHER** Arrest him!

**ARTHUR** NOOOOOOOO!

I don't know whether to be happy for the obvious Merthurness of this scene or annoyed that it's still Gwen who's gonna get the blame.

**ARTHUR** He's in love

**MERLIN** What?

**ARTHUR** ... with Gwen

**MERLIN** WHAT?!

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** WHAT?!

ARTHUR (Yes, it hurts me to say this, but anything to protect my Merlin)

And then Arthur _puts his arm around_ _Merlin_! SQUEE! Uther thinks Gwen cast a spell on Merlin. Then Anthony Head does some EPIC ebil!laughter! This is why I love Anthony Head. Meanwhile, Arthur is busy fondling his manservant. This is awesomely cute. Then he sort of stares into Merlin's eyes and goes in a v. serious voice: "There is no way he's a sorcerer" (translation: Don't. You. Dare)

_**SQUEE!**_

Gaius and Merlin go off on another disease-causing-hunt. Merlin is complaining that Arthur doesn't believe that he is a wizard. Aww, Merlin, that's because he is in denial and doesn't want Uther to have you killed :)

GAIUS We're going UNDERGROUND!

Oh look, to get to the water supply you have to go down some stairs that look exactly like the stairs to the Slash Dragon's lair. And guess who's watching. That's right. The Wicked Witch of the drippy caves.

**EBIL WATER CREATURE** *droolsnarl*

**MERLIN AND GAIUS** What teh crap?

They run for it. Then break out the books. The Doctor would be proud.

**GAIUS** It be an Avanc!

How the heck do you spell that?

**VII – The soliders are building bonfire. I hope someone brought marshmallows :)**

**MERLIN** *descends into the lair of the Great Slash Dragon* I need to know how to defeat an Avanc

**GSD** Why don't you call 118 118? They know everything

**MERLIN** ?

**GSD **Use the elements

**MERLIN** ... ?

And now, for the Merthur tagline of the series...

**GSD** You cannot do this alone. You are but one side of a coin. Arthur is the other

_**SQUEE! **_

_**AGAIN!**_

Uther, meanwhile, has gone all Witch Hunter on Gwen. *sings some _Wicked_* Or maybe he's just a secret pyromaniac.

Gaius knows about ze elements! Hooray! If the Avanc is made from earth and water then fire and air will destroy it!

Morgana is getting rather desperate to save Gwen., so after getting it all explained by Merlin and Gaius she goes to be all sibling-y on Arthur.

**MORGANA** Merlin is a lover

Major. LOL.

**ARTHUR** Well maybe I haven't found the right person to love

HE SAID _PERSON_! NOT _WOMAN_. _PERSON_! I do love it when people play the pronoun game :) Thanks to the guys on the Merthur forum for spotting that one. What is also awesome is that Morgana has convinced Arthur into helping out.

**VIII – We're going on an Avanc hunt**

Morgana, Merlin and Arthur. The intrepid trio

**AVANC** *droolsnarlecho*

**MORGANA** El gaspeth!

**ARTHUR **Turn back Morgana, you could get hurt

**MORGANA** So could you, if you don't get out of my way

**MERLIN ***impressed eyebrow-raise*

The Avanc goes all stalker on them and attacks Arthur while he isn't looking. Arthur looks adorably confusified :)

**MORGANA** *screech*

**AVANC ***has _fangs_*

**ARTHUR** It's bloody _quick_!

Yeah, quite quick... For a man in a rubber suit.

But the intrepid trip aren't ready to give up just yet. So they follow the droolsnarling.

**AVANC** *droolsnarl*

**ARTHUR** *swordswing*

**MORGANA **OMGs it has _FANGS_!

Merlin then gets his act together and uses his magics. Rather loudly in fact. Actually, I am left wondering how Arthur and Morgana missed that.

**BLOWY!WIND ***is blowy*

**FIREY!TORCH** *is firey*

**AVANC ***is burnt to a crisp*

**NIMUEH ***in drippy cave* _DAMN YOU MERLIN!_ *waterpunch*

**IX – I managed to split it into a lot less scenes today**

Gaius has gone off to tell Uther that everyone is alright and the disease is no longer a problem. He also tells Uther about the Avanc

**UTHER** What teh heck is an Avanc?

**GAIUS** Only a clay thing that has _fangs_ and is conjured by _teh magics_

**UTHER** *winespit*

Gaius has also found the remains of the pretty patterned egg. But they aren't just any pretty patterns, oh no. It is Teh Mark of Nimueh. This must be a v. bad thing, because Uther goes all faint.

**UTHER** Will I never be rid of her?

And thus a thousand Uther/Nimueh angst-fics sprang into being

Gaius leaves Uther to his angsting and Gwen gets a big hug from her dad. So that's alright.

**SOLIDERS** What are we meant to do with the marshmallows now?

**GWEN** *almost hugs Morgana*

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** DAMMIT!

**GWEN ***doesn't hug Merlin*

**GWEN/MERLIN SHIPPERS** DAMMIT!

Morgana is then v. cryptic about knowing something about Merlin. He thinks its about _teh magics._ The Merthur shippers think it's about Arthur. But it turns out that Morgana is a secret Gwen/Merlin shipper... At least, for now.

**MORGANA** *seductively* It's our secret

**MERLIN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** That was... hot

Later that night, Merlin and Gaius eat fish and they do a wine-glass-clink

**GAIUS** *inwardly* _Destiny_.

Whilst in drippy cave land...

**NIMUEH** *Sweeny Todd impression* I SHALL HAVE _VENGENCE_!

* * *

**NEXT TIME**

Nimueh says Merlin's name evilly... again! Merlin is poisoned! Nimueh watches whilst wearing a blue hat! Worried!Arthur is worried! Nimueh speaks _teh magics_. Colin Morgan writhes sweatily on a bed!

Believe me, Merthur shippers, you are gonna _love_ this one.

**Read and Reveiw :)**


	4. The One with the Slash beyond reason

* * *

I don't own _Merlin_

**Episode 4 – The Poisoned Chalice **

OMGs... Could it be a *gasp* _update_?

For those who are interested, I bloody loved this episode.

**I – Welcome back to the drippy cave of doom...**

...Where Nimueh holds a grudge. But even if you do live in a drippy cave of doom, fancy looking goblets are still readily available to you for cheap. As are yellow flowers. Oh, and she's pretty much a stalker, because she's watching Merlin in her pool of Camelot viewing.

**NIMUEH** *evilly* Merlin!

Yeah, yeah, we get the point. You're obsessed with Merlin.

Nimueh puts a piece of (cling film) flower petal into the goblet and stares a lot.

**II – Sinister music FTW**

In the red corner, Uther and the knights of Camelot. In the blue corner, Lord Bayard of somewhereorother a load of other peoples wearing a lot of blue. Much flappy-cloaking. Nimueh is hiding amongst the blue flappy-cloakers with only a turban for protection.

Arthur's applause is v. unenthusiastic

Nimueh glares creepily at Merlin, who is staring at something off screen (my brain wants it to be Arthur)

**Lookie! Opening Credits!**

**III – Merlin gets all the donkey work**

Merlin is afraid he's gonna get gorilla arms from carrying too many bags. Gaius doesn't know many proverbs (though Merlin suspects he just made that one up). Nimueh attempts to be inconspicuous in the out-of-focus section. It's kinda hard when she's wearing _that _dress (which can be added to the list of costumes I want to steal, thank ye kindly)

**NIMUEH** *unconvincing trip*

**GAIUS** *fails to recognise Nimueh _at all_*

Merlin offers to give Nimueh a hand and we all get a face full of evil-sorceress cleavage. Oh, and I thought this was meant to be a family show.

There is some Merlin/Nimueh eye-contact. The music suggests of love-in-the-air. That would work, if it wasn't for the fact that she wants to make him feel _teh pain_ for killing her clay baby. What it is with her strategic bits of hair on either side of her face?

Amused!Gaius is amused.

Later that night, Nimueh is doing her sneaky thang. And unlocks a door using _teh magics_. Very loudly. Honestly, does _no one_ know the meaning of the word "subtle" in this place? She substitutes one of two fancy goblets for the one she was mucking about with in the drippy caves then does some villainous stare-and-smile-ing.

Ah, some Merlin and Arthur. Merlin is fussing over Arthur's clothes. They are so married. And Arthur's inviting Merlin to the banquet! To make sure alcoholic!Arthur has plenty of drink to keep him happy. Oh, and he has to wear a stupid hat. Arthur's expression when he shows the stuff to Merlin is made of win.

**IV – As is the grin-with-raised-eyebrows his gives Merlin **_**at **_**the banquet.**

Gwen is finding all this rather amusing.

Nimueh, if you keep looking at Merlin like that, he's gonna start thinking you're interested. Well... you are, but not in _that _way.

**GWEN** She's pretty

Gwen/Nimueh? Please no.

Nimueh is meant to be a handmaiden. Wearing _that _dress? Rich handmaiden.

Uther and Bayard have a big manly handclap-shake. Then Bayard presents "ceremonial goblets." Of all the bizarre gifts. And Uther's is a really weird shape.

**NIMUEH **Merlin!

**MERLIN **Teh heck did you come from

**NIMUEH** ... I apparrated?

Gwen and Gaius watch Merlin and Nimueh disappear unsubtley from the hall. Gaius has the _look_ on his face again.

**GAIUS** I'm gonna have to give that boy the Talk later on...

Nimueh uses the "not knocking" excuse to convince Merlin that Arthur's goblet is poisoned. Meh, he'll believe that one, I guess, he never knocks.

**NIMUEH** Bayard poisoned Arthur's goblet

**MERLIN **Teh crap! *runs to Arthur's rescue*

**NIMUEH** *creepy-smile-and-glare-ing*

Erm... why not just poison Uther's goblet instead of Arthur's. That's what I'd do if I was Bayard and I actually _was_ planning to take over Camelot...

... In fact, I have just realised how risky Nimueh's plan actually is. I mean, what if Arthur drinks the poison instead of Merlin? What if no one drinks it? Anyone else notice this?

Bayard still hadn't shut up. Even Uther looks bored.

**BAYARD** Cheers folks! Let's drink to Uther

**ARTHUR** *goes to drink*

**BAYARD **... And Arthur

**ARTHUR** *goes to drink*

**BAYARD** ... And Morgana

**ARTHUR** *goes to drink*

**BAYARD** ... And that goat I saw by the side of the road

**ARTHUR** I WANNA DRINK!

Aww, Alcoholic!Arthur gets attached to that goblet v. quickly.

**MERLIN** NOES! *gobletsnatch*

Predictably, no one believes Merlin about the poison. Nimueh watches from behind a pillar. Creepily.

Arthur thinks Merlin's been at the sloe gin. Speak for yourself Alcoholic!Arthur.

Uther's intense staring is intense.

**UTHER** He'll drink it *shoves goblet in Merlin's face*

**ARTHUR** But if it's poisoned, he'll die.

No, duh, Arthur.

Nimueh looks like Christmas has come early when Merlin drinks the poison.

Worried!Gwen is worried. Concerned!Arthur is concerned (and looks v. sweet)

OH NOES! Merlin is choking! This is v. bad. Unless you are Nimueh, in which case it is v. fantastic. Arthur's face is half "Oh noes!" and half "teh crap?" Merlin falls over limply. Arthur practically kneels on top of him. Meanwhiles, the knights of Camelot have gone all badass on the blue-flappy-cloak lot. Nimueh gets teh heck out of there.

**GAIUS** Quicks! To the chamber of healing and stuffs! Don't forget your poisoned goblet of doomness!

**ARTHUR** *actually properly _picks Merlin up_ to carry him up to Gaius' chambers*

**GWEN** *does not forget poisoned goblet of doomness*

**V – Arthur's concerned face is so sweet :)**

Scientific!Gaius does some poison identifying whilst Gwen fetches and carries and Arthur sits by Merlin's head, staring concernedly.

**GAIUS** Lookie, poisoned flower petal! It's the Mortius flower!

**GWEN AND ARTHUR** Oh noes! _Teh Latin_! *cower from _teh Latin_*

**MERLIN** *is sweaty and breathing heavily*

**GAIUS** Quiet, I am working. The flower can only be found in the caves beneath the forest of Balor... Who makes these names up? (**AN** I don't have a clue if I got that one right or not) Oh, and unless we find the leaf then Merlin will die painfully. Oh, and you have to avoid a nasty cockatrice.

Thoughtful!Arthur is thoughtful

**ARTHUR** Sounds like fun

**GAIUS** It's too dangerous

**ARTHUR** *goes off on Epic Quest to save his boyfriend anyway*

**GAIUS** How come the 'it's too dangerous' thing never works?

**GWEN** *eyeroll*

Meanwhiles...

Nimueh, complete with flappy-blue-cloak of evil (complete with ultra-flappy sleeves of doom) manages to stride out of Camelot and _no one tries to stop her_!

In Morgana's room, Morgana is still having Gwen/Merlin shipping vibes, going on about how much Merlin means to Gwen. Gwen just sort of looks at her blankly. I feel rather sorry for her, she's probably tired. At least Morgana is confident that Arthur can get the antidote.

Arthur and Uther have an argument about whether Merlin is worthless or not. Arthur _cares_. :) Both of them get seriously annoyed with each other. Uther is a right pessimist "One day I will be dead" and all that crap. Have some fun for once Uther! Plus, Arthur has a chainmail hoodie, lol. Beats the dressing gown, I guess.

And now, some Anthony Head lines that I love

**ARTHUR** I can't stand by and watch him die

**UTHER** Then don't look

Why do I like that line so much? Maybe because it's Anthony Head being deep and intense. Meh.

MORGANA IS AWESOME. That is all I have to say on this scene. She plays Arthur like... like an instrument that is v. easy to play. I love the Siblingy!Arthur-and-Morgana scenes. She always manages to convince him to be a hero. :)

You know, I think Morgana may have become a Merthur shipper...

Arthur goes riding off on his horse to find his boyfriend a yellow flower. And almost tramples some guards on the way. Nimueh (braids and red dress returned) watches him in the pool of stalking.

**VI – The next morning**

Gwen is still bathing poor Merlin's brow. Hmm, I wonder if Colin Morgan liked this episode, just lying around pretending to be dying.

Merlin is murmuring spells in his sleep. Gaius pulls the "oh crap" face and makes excuses. Merlin has also got a burn on his arm because Nimueh used _teh magics_ to make the flower more poisonous. But Arthur still has two days to find the flower, so that's alright... well, kind of...

Confused!Gwen is confused.

Suspicious!Gaius is suspicious. Finally putting two and two together are we?

**GAIUS** It was NIMUEH!

*sigh* We got there in the end.

**GWEN **She had dark hair... Very beautiful

V. odd Gwen/Nimueh shipping.

o.0

*goes to bleach brain*

...

Okay, I'm back. Now where was I?

Unfortunately, Gwen does not find Nimueh in the cells because she galloped away with her cloak all flapping.

Great. It's a great big Uther/Morgana scene. Honestly, they act like they're married. Uther is annoyed. I think Morgana is finding the whole thing rather amusing.

**UTHER** You knew about this, and don't lie to me because I will know. It tingles.

**MORGANA** *inwardly gigglesnorting*

You can so tell she is though.

Arthur and horse ride off into the mountains on their plant trail. Nimueh (flappy cloak returned) stalks stalkerly then puts her hood up in a way that I thought was far too creepy to be humanly possible.

Meanwhiles...

Gaius and Gwen sulk.

**MERLIN** Arthur... Arthur... Ohhh...

'Scuse me while I melt.

**VII – Dark forest of sinisterness and bad CGI eyes watching Arthur**

OMGs! It be Nimueh! Sitting on a log and fake crying (badly) Of course, chivalrous Arthur has to go and ask if she's alright

**NIMUEH **Do I look like I'm alright?

Then a big monster goes "rarrrgh" And Nimueh shrieks. I can't actually tell if that one is fake or not, but as its Nimueh, it probably it.

That is NOT a cockatrice. A cockatrice is like a chicken with major talons and a snake's tail. This looks more like something out of _Primeval_. We get a lot of shots of Nimueh evil grinning whilst Arthur twirls his sword at it. Of course, because Arthur is the hero of the story, he throws a sword way too accurately into the not!cockatrice's heart. Nimueh looks slighting annoyed by this.

**NIMUEH** Curses. Time for plan B.

Plan B involves telling Arthur that she's got lost somewhere that she apparently knows very well (because she tells Arthur that she knows where to find his yellow flower) Arthur, being a chivalrous fellow, completely falls for it.

Nimueh appears to have sprouted her blue flappy cloak out of nowhere when they are in the caves.

Meanwhiles...

Merlin apparently has some kind of magic psychic connection with his boyfriend, because even he knows it's a trap and he's dying sweatily on a bed right now.

**MERLIN** Arthur... it's a trap!

He's right, you know. Arthur really needs to get a clue here.

Gaius tells worried!Gwen to fetch him some wolfbane, because Merlin has started murmuring spells again.

Back to Arthur.

**NIMUEH** Lookie, yellow flowers!

**ARTHUR** Oh yes, yellow flowers... Growing on the wall on the other side of a chasm with an apparently unsupported "bridge" that only crosses half way over aforementioned chasm.

**NIMUEH** Well no one said it was going to be easy

**ARTHUR** Now what?

**NIMUEH** Why don't you cross the apparently unsupported "bridge" that only crosses half way over aforementioned chasm

**ARTHUR** Nah too dangerous... Hang on, why don't I cross the apparently unsupported "bridge" that only crosses half way over aforementioned chasm

**NIMUEH **Now why didn't I think of that?

So Arthur proceeds to cross the apparently unsupported "bridge" that only crosses half way over aforementioned chasm. And Nimueh proceeds to destroy it using _teh magics_

**ARTHUR** What are you doing?

Erm, Arthur, she's trying to KILL YOU.

Arthur then makes a pretty spectacular jump, considering he wasn't exactly prepared and is wearing a lot of heavy chainmail. And Nimueh leaves him hanging off the edge of a cliff (well every hero has to dangle off the edge of a high ledge at some point in their careers, I guess)

Gak! Giant spider.... Giant spider that hisses like a snake. Are all the animals in this place slightly confused?

And Arthur somehow manages to get his sword and flip the giant spider into the chasm whilst still holding on the ledge in heavy armour. Somehow.

Meanwhiles...

**MERLIN** Arthur... It's too dark

**GAIUS** Hmmm, Merlin is writhing sweatily on a bed and moaning about Arthur. I think it would be intelligent to flip back the covers

**MERLIN** *magic ball of light*

**GAIUS** What are you doing?

GAIUS! NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION EVER AGAIN! JUST... DON'T!

... I guess... it is a kiddies show.

Just don't flip the covers back any more than you have already.

Back to Arthur.

A magic ball of light appears. Heh, heh, Merlin has to save Arthur's life whilst Arthur is on a quest to save Merlin's life. Oh, the irony. And Arthur manages to heave himself onto the ledge.

**ARTHUR** YELLOW FLOWERS!

**SPIDERS** *snakehiss*

**MERLIN** Leave them you IDIOT!

Nah. Arthur _is_ gonna get those flowers for Merlin :)

GAK! MORE GAINT SPIDERS!

Meanwhiles...

**MERLIN** _Faster_... Go _faster_!

SQUEE!

**MERLIN** _Move_... _Climb_!

Who WROTE this stuff?

How come the spiders never gain on Arthur even though he keeps _stopping_ and they are a lot faster than he is?

They are also afraid of everything outside the cave, apparently.

Meanwhiles...

**MERLIN ***calms down*

And Arthur gallops all heroically (and v. quickly) back to Camelot.

Only to be met by Uther's Men in Red and told he's under arrest.

**ARTHUR **_TEH HECK_!?

**VIII – Uther ish not amused**

And basically most of this scene is Uther demanding why Arthur wants to save Merlin. Aww, it's because he _loves_ him, Uther. He's just a servant but Arthur loves him :)

**ARTHUR** Plz give Gaius this yellow flower

Arthur clearly trusts Uther a lot more than I do

**UTHER** *flowercrush*

NOOO! Uther you mean man! What did you do that for?

Oh, poor Arthur's poor shocked face. He can't believe his father would do something like that.

Oh, and he really wants to get that flower back too.

*sadsmile*

Meanwhiles, Merlin is writhing sweatily v. much now and Gwen has apparently not moved from that chair since they brought Merlin up there

**GWEN** I could sneak into the dungeon

... Sneak? In that bright red dress? Excuse me whilst I titter.

Mmmm, brooding Arthur in a cell :)

I love sulky Arthur. So funny

**GWEN** Yellow flower!

**ARTHUR** *winkwink*

**GWEN** *leaves*

**ARTHUR **(inwardly) Yay!

A random guard extra wants to steal some bread. And I swear he just said "_her"_ royal highness *shrugs*

Back in Gaius' room

**GAIUS **I can has yellow flower? Now go away and fetch some water (translation: Go do something pointless and distracting so I can cast _teh magics_)

And thus, Gaius casts _teh magics_... with the door open. V. subtle. Again.

**ANTIDOTE** *greenfrothness*

**GWEN** I'm baaaaack!

Good timing. Now they can give Merlin the antidote.

**MERLIN** *stops writhing sweatily*

**GWEN** OH TEH NOES! HE'S DEAD!

**GAIUS **But what about his _destiny_?

**MERTHUR FANCLUB** *sob* _Destiny_ *clink cola glasses*

Gwen and Gaius have a sad little hug

**MERLIN** Teh heck are you two doing?

**GWEN** OMGs! YOU'RE _ALIVE_! *proceeds to snog Merlin's face off*

**MERLIN **... okay *makes mental note not to tell Arthur about that one*

**IX – Uther's hall of a lot of important looking papers**

Uther tells Gaius to fuck off. Gaius does not

**UTHER** *sigh*

Honestly, I love that sigh.

So yeah, Gaius tells Uther that this is all Nimueh's fault. Uther is sceptical. But he decides not to start a war, so that's okay.

**GAIUS** (cryptically) Do you think that Arthur should be told the truth about Nimueh?

And thus the Nimueh-may-or-may-not-be-Arthur's-mother speculation began

**X – And so the hordes of the blue flappy cloaks ride out of Camelot**

Morgana and Arthur have a discussion about the fact that Arthur was helped on his Quest. That's Merlin's psychic link, Arthur. He loves you :)

**ARTHUR** Someone knew I was in trouble and sent a light to guide the way

Oh, very deep

**ARTHUR** Whoever it was, I'm only here because of them

Squee!

And throughout all of this Uther is standing there totally ignoring them

Thank you Uther, you finally admit that you were wrong. Maybe now you'll get a bit of optimism, hmm?

Arthur goes to see whether his boyfriend is alright! Yeah, yeah, you say you want to know if he'll be back at work tomorrow but we all know you care. Many loving-smiles. Plus, Merlin is adorable all wrapped up in that blanket.

**MERLIN** Thank you

**ARTHUR** You too. Get some rest

*dies from slashy-sweetness overload*

**GAIUS** *knowing smile*

He knows what Merlin and Arthur get up to behind closed doors.

...

Meanwhile in the drippy caves, Stalking!Nimueh is still stalk- OH MY GOD! She just flicked her eyes towards the camera and I think that is one of the creepiest things I've seen in ages.

*shudder*

Thus ends the slashiest episode of the series so far.

* * *

**NEXT TIME** The Knights of Camelot do what appears to be a dance routine in the middle of the courtyard

**Read and Review :)**


	5. Lancelot and his hair

Well, season 2 certainly started with a bang, and I hope it carries on that way. Full series trailer = much Squeeness!

I do hope they lay off with the Brick of Arthur/Gwen though. My head hurts already.

***

**Episode 5 – Lancelot**

**I – What in all heck was with that random bird tweeting noise? Sounds like something out of a parody**

Anyways, so Merlin is out picking mushrooms in the forest. As you do. Does the BBC know just how fake those mushrooms look? No wonder Merlin's staring at them as if he's never seen a mushroom before, it looks like the wooden one I've got on my windowsill for ornamental purposes.

Sudden random shriek noise. Concerned!Merlin is concerned.

Well that makes a change, we see the creature immediately instead of some annoying build up that takes forever. And it appears to be some kind of griffin.

**MERLIN** Oh crap *runs for his life*

Is it me or is this music pretty quiet for such a dramatic scene?

Hmm, Merlin appears to have resigned himself to death. Or he could just stand up.

Or not, because thankfully a random bloke has just appeared swinging a sword at the griffin. Hmm, I wonder who this could be? Maybe, erm, Lancelot, perhaps.

Shocked and confused Merlin is adorable :)

**SWORD** *breaks*

**LANCELOT **Oh crap. Run for your liiiiiiiiife!

**MERLIN AND LANCELOT** *run for their liiiiiiiiives*

Hey, why don't we hide behind this log and see if the griffin gives up and just flies away?

**MY SARCASM** *is crushed*

Well I wasn't expecting it to work. And by the looks on their faces neither Merlin nor Lancelot were either.

I like Lancelot's hair. I just thought I'd get that in there so I'm not obsessing over it all episode.

Introductions. Always good, when you've just been almost trampled by a griffin.

Oh noes! Has Lancelot been injured?

**Insert Opening Credits here**

**II – How Merlin actually got Lancelot into Gaius' room we shall never know**

Lancelot is doing a good impression of Merlin last week.

Bad CGI fire and smoke.

Worried!Uther is worried.

**UTHER** What creature could have done this?

A dragon? Maybe? Cause in my experience, griffins don't usually breath fire. Not that my expertise counts for anything.

**ARTHUR** Well, it has wings

**UTHER** Très helpful.

Meanwhile, Lancelot is telling Merlin his life story

**MERLIN** What is your name?

**LANCELOT** Erm, Lancelot

**MERLIN** What is your quest?

**LANCELOT **To become a knight of Camelot

**MERLIN **What is your favourite colour?

**LANCELOT** ORANGE!

(Monty Python. It amuses me.)

I love the way Merlin is just sitting there looking intelligent whilst Lancelot talks at him.

**MERLIN** They are gonna LOVE you! You could shame the great Arthur himself!

Merlin! You traitor!

Merlin's off to tell Arthur about Lancelot. Is that wise, Merlin?

**LANCELOT** You know Arthur?

**MERLIN** Oh yes.

*bashes head against a wall*

And if that wasn't bad (meaning, slash-hint bad) enough as it is, he went and stole one of The Doctor's catchphrases. Grr.

His proud little grin is too cute for words though :)

**III – Arthur is a great big show off, but we love him anyway**

Way to be reassuring, Arthur.

I'm sure Arthur isn't exactly the most dangerous thing out there. Not after we've all seen evilwitch!GwenCooper and glaring!Valliant and Nimueh the creepy-eyed Stalker hanging around.

Merlin finally gets a front row seat. He's watching so intently and all

The sword swishing guy makes me lol.

Sword swisher gets Pwned.

Complaining Arthur is so funny. And Merlin's just following behind with the armour like "yeah."

Oooo, _lies_ Merlin, and just because Lancelot isn't a nobleman? You really are desperate aren't you? I think Merlin might be getting a _destiny_ complex. He's been hanging around Gaius and Sparky too long.

**IV – Lancelot is enthusiastic**

**LANCELOT** Did you speak to him? Did he say yes? Tell me!

**MERLIN **...

**LANCELOT** *looks worried*

**MERLIN **He said he would like to meet you

Merlin is such a tease :)

**MERLIN** You are a nobleman, aren't you?

**LANCELOT** HECK NO!

**MERLIN** ... Damn

**GAIUS** I am still here, you know.

Gaius then quotes Arthur, in that wise-mentor way of his. And Lancelot looks v. depressed. Merlin is annoyed.

Lancelot has lovely brown eyes. About time, I've been drowning in blue since the series began.

More depressing backstory. *sigh* I do think you can be a bit too obsessed with your hobbies, Lance my friend.

*gigglesnort* _Lance _:)

But Merlin isn't gonna let his new friend's hopes be crushed. Nah, Merlin's gonna _do something_ about it!

**V – Library!**

Merlin finds a great big book.

**LIBRARY MAN** wtf?

**MERLIN** ... Homework :)

**LIBRARY MAN** ... WTF?

Sneezing. Lols.

Merlin does _teh magics_ and makes a new imaginary seal for Lancelot. Library man is curious.

**LIBRARY MAN** *cough*

**MERLIN** ... Real page turner that one *leaves*

**LIBRARY MAN** ... _WTF_?

**VI – Lancelot is sceptical**

**MERLIN** Lookie! I forged you a way in!

**LANCELOT** You shouldn't have done that!

**MERLIN** Heck yes!

**LANCELOT** Heck no!

Merlin plays the guilt card, the whole "oh, so you don't want to be a knight" shebang. Lancelot ain't buying it

**LANCELOT** But it's against the rules

**MERLIN** Screw the rules. You show 'em what you've got

**LANCELOT** ... Okays!

**VII – Foreshadowing FTW**

Gwen is measuring Lancelot for his armour, whilst Merlin watches.

**GWEN** Merlin would do anything for anyone

I'm sure not _anything_. And not for creepy-eyed Stalker Nimueh he wouldn't. But at least this proves one thing, Merlin ships Lancelot/Gwen.

And so does the backing music.

Gwen is always digging herself into holes with the blokes she fancies.

So is Lancelot actually, calling her his Lady.

What's with her pined staring when Lancelot leaves? She hasn't known him for that long.

Aww, Lancelot is smitten. He wants to know if Gwen is single.

**LANCELOT** Are you two...

**MERLIN** HECK NO!

**VIII – Back on the training field...**

... The knights of Camelot are practising their dance routines... erm, I mean sword skills. And Merlin and Gwen are fitting Lancelot into his new armour-robe-chainmail-stuff.

**LANCELOT **OMGs! You made it in ORANGE for me! My favourite colour!

**GWEN** *blushgrin*

**MERLIN** Go for it Lance!

I love the way Arthur's like "Lance-e-lot?"

Lancelot practically shoves his forged seal thing in Arthur's face and gets a slap for his trouble. Does he do this to all Merlin's pretty male friends?

Merlin is all nodding in encouragement :)

Cleaning out the stables?

**LANCELOT **Teh heck?

Yeah, that's kind of how I feel right now

Of course, Gaius is all full of sympathy. And talking with enough slashy euphemism to make anyone's head spin.

Lancelot appears to have stolen Merlin's bedroom.

I am not gonna dwell on that one.

Lols, now Gaius is having a go at Merlin for _bending_ the rules. You should learn, Merlin. The only person you're cheating is yourself and all that crap.

**MERLIN** I owe Lancelot my life

Finally, we're getting back to the griffin. Where ever _that_ disappeared to.

**IX – Arthur can turn any object into a weapon...**

... Up to and including a broomstick (though Elphaba came up with that one long before Arthur did)

... And Lancelot doesn't exactly look like Glinda.

**ARTHUR** *broomchuck*

**LANCELOT ***broomcatch*

Impressed!Arthur is impressed, and attempting to hide it.

**ARTHUR** I'd like you kill me

Slick.

And thus begins the Arthur vs. Lancelot stable fight. Is anyone else getting déjà vu from the first episode here?

Luckily, the whole shenanigan ends with Lancelot getting to basic training, and no one has to go in the stocks :)

Oh noes, there is screaming! A load of people in burnt rags are being brought into Camelot. What is going on?

**GAIUS** Their village was attacked

**LANCELOT **What by?

**GAIUS** I dunno, but it had wings.

**LANCELOT** Très helpful

Meanwhiles:

**UTHER** The monster is coming to Camelot, because life hates me. Prepare your knights to fight it!

**ARTHUR** How?

**UTHER** I don't know, but it has wings

**ARTHUR** Très helpful

Which brings me to another point. Where in all heck is Morgana?

Gaius, it's a griffin. Anyone with a pinch of legendary knowledge in the entire viewing population knows it's a griffin.

*sigh*

**X – Dance practice for the knights of Camelot (well I guess those Knights of the Round Table do like to dance when'er they're able)**

**ARTHUR **The beast is heading for Camelot. It's fast and agile and it has wings

**KNIGHTS **Très helpful

**ARTHUR** Aren't I just. Now are we gonna kick some winged-creature ass?

**KNIGHTS** HECK YES!

**ARTHUR** Awesomes. Now play that funky music!

The knights all leave to train up for the big performance.

**LANCELOT** What am I meant to do?

**ARTHUR** Knight exams! Make sure you revise and I'll see you on the training field bright and early

**LANCELOT** I _hate _exams.

Don't we all

Lancelot vs. Arthur round two. Who brought the popcorn?

Gwen looks like she's about to eat her own hands again. Doesn't she have a Morgana to attend to somewhere?

And now we are gonna cover Arthur and Lancelot's faces, to hide the fact that it's actually Bradley James' and Santiago Cabera's doubles doing all this sword swishing nonsense. Cause neither Arthur not the last sword swisher covered their faces and all Arthur did was elbow him in the chest.

Gwen grabs Merlin's jacket for no apparent reason. Merlin's face is all like "Gwen, teh heck?"

Arthur whacks Lancelot full in the helmet. Pwnage.

Honestly Arthur, never stand over your opponent like that.

My point has just been proved. Arthur just got Pwned. Majorly.

**XI – Knighting time!**

Sir Lancelot. W00pness :) All the random knight extras clap and look v. proud.

OMGs! MORGANA IS STILL IN EXISTANCE!

**MORGANA** Who is this man? He seems to have come out of nowhere.

You can talk.

Meanwhiles, Uther is talking to Lancelot.

**UTHER** You do us a great honour, but your orange robe thing really clashes with my red flappy cloak. You know, I haven't seen that guy who you say your father is for many years...

**LANCELOT** Erm, yes, nostalgia and all that. Kind of awkward. Subject change please?

**UTHER** kks, we can has party now

...

(To random servant person who is auditioning for a Nativity by the look of her headwear) Take this seal to get checked out. And no telling Lancelot or anything.

They have a court _genealogist_?

At the party, Arthur and Lancelot punch each other and drink beer and are generally manly men, whilst Merlin and Gaius look on. Hmm, Merlin, are you not worried that Arthur is giving another man all the attention, hmm?

Aww, Merlin is so proud of his Lancelot.

Gaius says that _Destiny _and _Deserves_ aren't the same thing. He should know- he's up to his ears in all this _Destiny_ malarkey.

**MERLIN** Plz stop being depressing now.

**GAIUS** *gigglesnort* And don't forget to be back before the clock strikes midnight *leaves*( I thought he was here for the party? Meh)

The Library Man from earlier looks through some large, heavy, quite-possibly-important books while our ears are subjected to sinister music-ing.

Ah, back to the party. Lols at Arthur and Lancelot being all chummy.

Morgana's wearing that same dress from episode one.

Arthur is now going to be vague about whether it is Gwen or Morgana he is talking about. *sigh* And thus they are v. confused.

Arthur/Morgana. No thank you.

Why is Morgana acting all seductive?

Meanwhile, Gwen's hole ain't getting any shallower.

**GWEN** Lancelot isn't my type and I don't fancy him and I don't think he fancies me and no I wasn't so worried about him when I thought Arthur was going to pwn him that I grabbed your top and made a noise that sounded far too orgasmic for prime time Saturday night telly and that's the v. really honest truth.

**MERLIN** ...

Merlin/Gwen. No thank you.

Lols at Alcoholic!Merlin.

**MERLIN **Truth or dare time! If you had to, would you choose Arthur or Lancelot?

**GWEN** But I _don't have to_ and I _never will_

Ah, foreshadowing. Let us all bask in its warming glow.

**ARTHUR** Well, this is getting awkward so I'm gonna have a toast to Sir Lancelot, as if I actually need an excuse to drink some more beer

**CROWD** *cheers*

**XII – Hangovers = :(**

Erm... Merlin and Lancelot appear to have just come down from Merlin's bedroom... which only has one bed in it. They seem to be doing this _a lot_.

Still not gonna dwell on that one

Gaius is amused.

OH TEH NOES! The Men in Red have come to arrest Lancelot

**MERLIN** Noooooo!

Concerned!Gaius is concerned.

Library man is wearing a flat bear over his shoulders.

**UTHER** He is a LIAR! I knew I should have trusted the _tingling._

Poor worried Arthur in the background.

**UTHER** To the dungeons with him!

Uther must be stressed. He's pouring himself a drink. Isn't that the most clichéd thing to do ever when you're stressed?

Arthur is trying to be sensible, but Uther is having none of it.

**UTHER** Do not trust that which makes the _tingling_!

**ARTHUR'S FACE** ... screw you.

**XIII – Lancelot's locked in a cell.**

This is what you get when you steal the prince's manservant.

Aww, Merlin's feeling all guilty. I have a feeling that Gaius is gonna have an "I told you so" moment later on.

In Gaius' room:

**MERLIN** Please don't say "I told you so"

**GAIUS' BRAIN** I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO!

**GAIUS MOUTH** *remains firmly buttoned*

Darn it.

Apparently the griffin doesn't exist. And yet he found an Avanc (or however you spell it) and a Cockatrice (that wasn't a cockatrice) in his big book of magical creatures. Because that makes so much sense.

**MERLIN** OMGs! That's the monster!

**GAIUS ***_Aren't I clever?_ look*

OH TEH NOES! The griffin is attacking!

So, Arthur has a spear and the rest of them all have swords?

Lols, they all make a circle around Arthur, cause he is the heir to the throne of Camelot and all that. And he has a spear to prove it, cause he is _special_.

All this formation stuff looks rather like a dance routine :)

**KNIGHTS** OMGs! It has wings!

**ARTHUR** Très helpful

Apparently the griffin is not scared of their dance formation.

All the knights fall over.

**LANCELOT** *in cell* OMGs! WHAT'S GOING ON?

Some random extras hide.

**ARTHUR** Quick! Triangle dance formation!

The knights all look slightly terrified.

Well, this charging isn't working. Maybe it would if they actually put their swords anywhere near the creature *sigh*

**SPEAR** *brakes*

**ARTHUR'S FACE** OH TEH NOES!

I love that expression on Bradley James :)

**ARTHUR** *randomly falls over*

**GRIFFIN** Die bitch

**BACKUP MEN IN RED** WE HAS A FIRETORCH!

**GRIFFIN **Shit *flies away*

Ooo, nice flamey shot of some fire in front of Bradley James. Yes please :)

**XIV – Uther wants dead griffin head on a plate. Now plz.**

**GAIUS** It's a griffin

**UTHER** Très helpful... What in heck's name is a griffin?

**GAIUS** It can't be killed by anything except _teh magics_

**UTHER** Heck no!

**ARTHUR** Heck yes.

**UTHER** HECK NO!

Uther really is in denial about the whole magic thing. He orders Arthur to go and kill the griffin by normal means and so there.

**ARTHUR** Oh, _damn_.

Up in Gaius' room of wise-mentoring:

**MERLIN** So, the griffin can be killed using _teh magics_?

**GAIUS** Check

**MERLIN **And if Arthur goes after it without magic then he'll die?

**GAIUS **Check

**MERLIN** But I can do _teh magics_ and stop this whole griffin nonsense, yes?

**GAIUS** Heck no! Unless you _want_ to have your head chopped off by that crazy (but still kinda sexy) tyrant downstairs.

**MERLIN** ...

**GAIUS** ... _Destiny_.

**MERLIN** But I'll _die_!

**GAIUS** ...

**MERLIN** Oh heck. Fine, I'll go kill the griffin.

**GAIUS** That's my boy *is proud*

**XV – Lancelot's got a visitor...**

... And it isn't Merlin. Oh no, it's Arthur. And he looks like _he_ wants _Lancelot's_ head on a plate, let alone the griffin's. Lancelot, you should _not_ have stolen Arthur's boyfriend.

Hmm, lots of sorry going round today.

**ARTHUR** I need... erm, Camelot needs you.

Arthur? You traitor!

Oh, Arthur, listen to yourself for once instead of your stupid (but still somehow rather sexy) father.

Arthur's gonna let Lancelot fight the griffin. Even though that'll mean Lancelot will probably die. Hidden agenda, Arthur?

Maybe I'm reading into this a bit too much.

... Or not, because it turns out that actually Arthur never wants to see Lancelot's boyfriend-stealing face again.

Meanwhiles, Merlin is on a magic spell hunt. And luckily Gaius has a knife handy for Merlin to cast powerful magics on. I hope the door is closed.

Actually it looks less like a knife and more like one of those spikes you find on large metal fences round important places.

Lols, Gaius' face. He's hypnotised by a spike.

Ooo, Lancelot's gone to see Gwen.

**GWEN** Teh heck? What are you doing here?

We all know what you're hoping, Gwen.

**LANCELOT** I need weapons and armour and all that crap

**GWEN** Why?

**LANCELOT **Erm... there's a griffin on the loose, in case you haven't noticed.

**GWEN** But I don't want you to _die_!

This is unbelievably cute :)

I LOVE HIS HAIR!

I like Gwen's too. I may have to steal it.

Gwen's little nod. So sweet. She really is worried about him

All Arthur's knights think they're gonna die. So does the background music

Merlin is still failing to cast his griffin-killing spell on the spike of doom

**MERLIN** I don't want Arthur to _die_!

(I love the way Gaius goes "Mer-_lin_!")

**GWEN ***bursting in without knocking, as you do* I DON'T WANT LANCELOT TO _DIE_!

**MERLIN** TEH HECK?!

**GAIUS** MER-_LIN_!

Merlin goes running off to find Lancelot getting ready to leave.

**MERLIN** I'm coming with you

Merlin, when you say that to a guy who's just about to leave forever _in the middle of the night_ it has connotations. Learn them please.

**LANCELOT** Heck no

**MERLIN** Heck yes

**LANCELOT** Heck no!

**MERLIN** FOR ARTHUR!

That's more like it :)

**LANCELOT ***sigh*

**XVI – And now we shalt kick some griffin ass**

The griffin hunters are all out on their horses, griffin hunting. Did anybody bring the coconuts to clack?

OMGs! Griffin!

**ARTHUR** FOR NARNIA... I mean... CAMELOT!

Meanwhile...

**LANCELOT** *with lance, lol* What's that noise?

**MERLIN **Sounds like a lot of people screaming

**LANCELOT** Oh goody! Let's go look

Lots of dead knight peoples.

This show has a really high body count.

**MERLIN** Oh noes! Arthur!

Luckily Arthur is alive, or there wouldn't really be a point.

That chainmail hood is going to ruin Lancelot's hair

Oh noes! Griffin is back!

Aww, Merlin stays by Arthur's side and all :)

Slo-mo heroic Lancelot.

He finally gets to be a hero!

... Sorry. I spent so long but temptation got the better of me in the end.

Anyone who got that reference gets virtual lollies. Cherry flavoured.

Hopefully he won't die this time.

Anyway...

Merlin is talking to himself. Do _teh magics _already!

Merlin's face when Lancelot rides past him is like "oh crap"

Ooo, electricity noise :) Nice effect. Magic sparkly-blue-glowy lance.

Griffin is pwned. Merlin is v. happy. I love happy!Merlin, happy!Merlin is adorable.

Arthur's alive! And Merlin gets the heck out of there.

**ARTHUR** Lancelot?

**LANCELOT** No. Your fairy godmother.

**ARTHUR** OMGs! You killed the griffin!

**LANCELOT** ...

**XVII – The aftermath of all this nonsense**

Big Gaius and Merlin proudness hug :)

Not quite Uther and Arthur proudness hug

**UTHER **Lancelot? HECK NO!

Oh dear, shouting Uther.

Merlin's just turned up. Can't help snooping, that guy.

**MERLIN** What's happening?

**LANCELOT **Arguing.

Just like normal then

Arthur's all willing to take the blame _again_. This makes me happy.

**UTHER** I see you feel strongly about this, Arthur

**ARTHUR **Erm, no shit Sherlock.

Bradley James' serious face FTW

**ARTHUR** Make Lancelot a knight

**UTHER** NEVAH!

Meanwhile, outside...

**LANCELOT** I know your secret!

**MERLIN** ... Erm. What secret?

**LANCELOT** *wiggling eyebrows of suggestiveness*

See Merlin, you shouldn't do _teh magics_ so loudly. People are gonna know.

**LANCELOT** But don't worry, I won't tell anyone. So... I'm gonna be going now.

Lancelot has picked up the whole burst-in-without-knocking-thing now too. It must be the curse of Camelot.

**LANCELOT **So, I'm leaving now. Cause I can't bear to see a father and son argue over me

He defiantly needs to get a clue about those two.

**ARTHUR** Heck no!

**LANCELOT** Heck yes.

What's with Arthur's mournful eyes as Lancelot leaves?

Poor sad Gwen watching Lancelot ride away slo-mo out of Morgana's window... Erm, not quite like that, that would be odd.

**MORGANA** Busy day ahead

Way to be reassuring, Morgana.

Merlin and Gaius are watching too, expect from a battlement type thing.

**MERLIN** Maybe you were right

**GAIUS' BRAIN** I told you so! I told you so!

**GAIUS MOUTH** Nah! Lancelot needed you and you needed Lancelot. Your destinies were entwined.

**MERLIN** Oh god, you're worse than the Great Slash Dragon

Gaius, you traitor! That is not going to go down well at the next Merthur fan club meeting.

Aww, Merlin watching all happy. So cute :)

**MERLIN** Until next time then... Sir Lancelot.

* * *

**NEXT TIME **Gak! Spider-bugs! Morgana is dying? Not good. Ooo fire! And Sparky chuckles kind of evilly.

Hang on, wasn't that guy in Green Wing?

**Read and Review plz :)**


	6. A Remedy to Cure AlEEPBEETLE!

Welcome back, faithful readers :) So glad you waited. I hate schoolwork. But meh

In the light of the episodes _The Once and Future Queen_ and _Lancelot and Guinevere_, my hope for the laying off of the Arthur/Gwen brick didn't work then. But _The Nightmare Begins_ was incredible

In the meantime, I have discovered _Repo! The Genetic Opera_. Beware, Uther Pendragon. Beware :)

**Episode 6 – A Remedy to Cure All Ills**

**I – Ooo, montage time**

Whoever this guy is, he is wearing a cloak with a hood. I am guessing he is bad.

Why the heck would anyone want a box full of skittering beetles? (skittering is the name I am giving to that noise that plays when anything remotely connected to the beetles occurs this episode) *shudder*

Is this guy a florist? I mean, he has a great big bouquet of flowers.

And a kind of deep voice.

Bug crawls into flowers...

... and lookie, Gwen now has the flowers and is bringing them to Morgana (who I swear is always doing her hair when Gwen comes into her room. Coincidence?)

**GWEN** Look Morgana, somebody sent you a plotpoint

**MORGANA** Aww, how thoughtful... Hang on, was it Arthur? (thinking: If it was Arthur I will slice his skull open)

**GWEN** I don't know. Maybe

**MORGANA ***deadly thoughts*

**GWEN** Who would you like them to be from?

**MORGANA/GWEN SHIPPERS** Say Gwen! SAY GWEN!

**MORGANA** Tall dark stranger

**MORGANA/MERLIN SHIPPERS** W00t!

IT'S MAC FROM GREEN WING! Sinisterly watching Morgana's window at night. Definitely a badguy. Or a perv. Or both. Ooo, he has prosthetics. They'll probably be explained later.

Gwen doses the candles and leaves Morgana alone in bed. I am not saying a word.

How many pillows does one girl need?

OMGs! Skittering bug thing on Morgana's FACE!

This can't be good.

**Opening Credit time-eth. I hope you brought popcorn**

**II – Oh dear. Morgana's body seems to have closed down. Isn't that like the technical description of "dead"?**

Gaius and Uther are concerned. Uther, why are you sitting on the bed? Your ward is already in there. And she is ill.

**UTHER** It's been nearly two days, as if you need reminding, and nothing you've tried has worked

**GAIUS** I didn't need reminding. The audience did

**UTHER** Screw the audience

**GAIUS** Erm... her brain is inflamed

What, like a tumour?

Concerned!Gwen is concerned, she goes up to see Morgana all worriedly, poor thing.

Gaius is très pessimistic today. Though if I had Uther breathing down my neck about it I wouldn't be a happy bunny either.

*tries to dispel mental image of Gaius as a bunny*

At least Merlin's trying to be reassuring?

**MERLIN** I could use _teh magics_?

**GAIUS** No. Find some fresh rosemary

**MERLIN **Well it was a suggestion...

Meanwhiles, the creepy hood man who is Mac in Green Wing (aka. Edwin) is still waiting outside, and has been found by Arthur. I'm not even going to attempt to spell his second name

**EDWIN** I have a remedy to cure all ills

**ARTHUR** Ooo, that's like the episode title

**EDWIN** So, I can see Uther now plz?

**ARTHUR** Erm... no.

**EDWIN** Is Morgana ill? *hinthint* *nudgenudge* *winkwink*

**ARTHUR** Okay, getting creeped out now

**EDWIN** Meh. I'll be at the pub if you need me

**III – Concerned pacing in Arthur's room**

Merlin's pacing is making Arthur anxious. I think Arthur looks more angry than anxious, like if Merlin makes him any more "anxious" Arthur might rip his nose off

So, forbidden to pace, Merlin taps the table instead. Like The Master, lols. And Arthur gets up and starts pacing

**MERLIN** alrighty then...

**IV- Katie McGrath plays "close to death" very well. That's a compliment by the way**

Dammit, now even Uther's given up hope. But Arthur appears to have picked up the "NOSHECANNOTDIE!" attitude. So he tells Uther about the creep from the courtyard.

**ARTHUR** He has a remedy to cure all ills!

**GAIUS** Teh heck?

**UTHER **Ooo, that's like the episode title. Send for him.

**GAIUS** This is not going to be good

Gaius and Arthur arguing is interesting... Don't ask me why. It's just different

Poor Uther looks so hopeless. *sniffles*

Uther strides all kingly into the hall of kingliness. Oh, and Edwin is already there with a scroll thing to shove in Uther's face.

**UTHER** Welcome to Camelot

**EDWIN** ...

**UTHER** ... You can stand up now

**GAIUS** Have we met before?

**EDWIN** Nah, don't think so.

**UTHER** So, you can cure Morgana?

**EDWIN** Yups.

Sceptical!Gaius is sceptical. Uther is lounging in his throne in a v. casual way. Lol. Meanwhile, Edwin goes all fanboy on Gaius and there is a pop quiz about various cures

**ARTHUR** So, who is right?

**EDWIN** Both of us! Unless Gaius is wrong about the diagnosis

**UTHER **So what's your diagnosis?

**EDWIN** Well... without examining the patient...

Uther just got 'Pwned.

**ARTHUR** Oh, and you can boss Merlin around

**MERLIN** Huhwhat?

**EDWIN **Yay! *leaves in flap of flappy cloakness*

**V- Edwin has alchemy stuff and it is shiny**

**MERLIN** Science is knowledge

Aww, look at Merlin spouting wise phrases.

**EDWIN** Science has the answers to everything

**MERLIN** It can't explain love

**EDWIN** So you are in love?

**ANYONE WHO HAS EVER SHIPPED MERLIN WITH ANYBODY** YESYES_YES_!

To be honest, it was a pretty random thing to say just on the off-chance.

Merlin you are bright. Don't be so humble... Ooo, skittery box. Merlin can sense the skittering with his _special_ness 

**EDWIN** MINE! *steals box back* Now, off to see the (wizard) Lady Morgana

Hmm, can Edwin sense Merlin's _special_ness?

ARGH! Arthur's hiding in a corner! In fact, everyone's there. It seems that Morgana's chambers of close-to-deathness are the place to be

**EDWIN** Everyone go away plz

**UTHER** *sigh* Right, let's move this party elsewhere

**INTERESTED!GAIUS** *is interested in Edwin's stuff*

**EDWIN **Fuck off Gaius

**GAIUS** Touchy *leaves*

And so Edwin is left alone to explore Morgana's ear with a scalpel in peace...

... or not, because Gwen's just turned up without knocking. As you do.

**EDWIN** GAK! Spy!

**GWEN** Teh heck?

**EDWIN** Bring me some water or she will _die_ (translation: go and do something pointless and distracting so I can cast _teh magics_)

**SUSPICIOUS!GWEN** *is suspicious, but leaves anyway*

And so Edwin is left alone to explore Morgana's ear with a scalpel in peace. Properly.

How does Katie McGrath keep a straight face here? Honestly.

And the beetle is retrieved from Morgana's ear (along with some blood) and is put back into the skitter box (the beetle, that is, not the blood)

**VI- Happy!Edwin is happy**

**EDWIN **Gaius was wrong, I was right, I win the pop quiz! Lookie, I found a trace of blood in her ear that looks just like a map of the UK!

**UTHER** OMGs!

**EDWIN** And if Gaius had continued with his treatment, Morgana would have _died_

**GAIUS** Teh heck?

I love the way Uther and Arthur are on one side and Gaius and Merlin are on the other

Hey, Morgana is awake again! She gets hugs from Uther (then Uther goes off looking like he's about to hug Edwin, but the shot is blocked by Gaius' concerned face)

**GAIUS** What did he give you?

**MORGANA **Not a clue (translation: _drugs_, lol) (but only in my hyperactive imagination)

Gaius and Edwin staring contest of doom. Smug!Edwin is smug

This contest transfers itself to a long shadowy corridor.

**GAIUS** How did you do it?

**EDWIN** An elixir I invented myself. It is not yet perfected

Erm... if what Edwin were saying was true, I'd say it _was_ perfected from Morgana's current state. Unfortunately, Gaius cannot feel the _tingles _and therefore doesn't know Edwin is lying. But he is suspicious, methinks.

Now let's discuss the prosthetics. Well, apparently they occurred when Edwin was very young. No surprises there then.

**VII- Uther is v. insistent about this reward**

Apparently a half-surprised, half-slightly drugged expression has glued itself to Uther's face

**UTHER **Dinner date.

**EDWIN **Fun :)

Hey look, it's that library guy from last episode!

**GAIUS** Can I have a favour please?

**LIBRARY MAN (aka. GEOFFREY)** Yeah sure!

**GAIUS **Can I see the records from the time of the Great Purge (with capital letters)?

**GEOFFREY** Erm, rethink my last answer

**GAIUS **Oh darn

**VIII- What is this? Is Merlin... Could he possibly be... **_**knocking**_**?**

No reply though, which is Merlin code for "yes, it's fine to just go in anyway and randomly muck about with Edwin's alchemy stuff."

**MERLIN** Hmm, skittery box?

**SKITTERY BOX** *skitters*

But all the beetles inside it are apparently slightly dead. Until Merlin uses _teh magics_ on them!

**BEETLES** *are alive and skittering*

**MERLIN** OMGs!

**EDWIN** Très impressive

**MERLIN** Double OMGs!

**EDWIN **Meh, don't worry about it *makes the beetles stop skittering* You has _teh magics_?

**MERLIN **It wasn't me I didn't do anything

**EDWIN** *smirk*

Edwin then goes on about how the-beetles-saved-Morgana's-life and that-magic-can-be-a-force-for-good-blah-blah-blah. Merlin's heard it all before. Edwin then demonstrates using _teh magics _to put a load of blue dust into a bottle. I notice that Edwin's eyes don't go golden when he uses _teh magics_. So Merlin makes the bottle dump all the dust into a bowl. Impressed!Edwin is impressed

Now that's good. Edwin just did the sudden-eye-flicker that has been perfected by all great villains (eg. Nimueh, Sylar, etc) Impressed!Clare is impressed.

Edwin wants to help Merlin perfect his magics so they can share secrets, like teenage girls swapping makeup tips at slumber parties (don't ask me where that analogy came from)

**IX- Somebody else is knocking? Has the world gone mad?**

Its Geoffrey the Library Man, who has rethinked his rethink and got the records for Gaius to look at. He is wearing a shawl made out of a flattened furry animal.

Meanwhile, at Uther and Edwin's dinner date... More fanboying over Gaius, though Edwin is exaggerating Gaius' mistakes a lot. I wonder why? (Sarcasm, my guess is most viewers can guess why)

That table is very long.

Why must this conversation be so full of Uther/Morgana?

**X – Morning. Tweeting birds... And no, I don't mean Twitter.**

How many candles does Gaius need? I guess they help him study all night long. I know how he feels *grumble*exams*grumble*

Oh dear, Merlin's collecting supplies for Edwin. Poor Gaius. Thoughtful!Gaius is thoughtful

Hmm, Gaius knows who Edwin is. He is Gregor and Jaden's son (I think I heard that right) and used his mother's maiden name. V. clever. But they were sorcerers _and _practised magic apparently (Am I the only one who noticed the randomness of that bit of dialogue. I mean- no duh, Edwin)

**EDWIN** Lots of people used magic back then, didn't they Gaius? *hinthint* *nudgenudge* *winkwink*

**GAIUS** I tell Uther about you now

**EDWIN** Fine, then I tell Uther about Merlin

Oh, angry!Edwin is there to take revenge apparently. And he's using Merlin as a threat.

Merlin enters without knocking, as per usual. Edwin bluffs his way out of it. Gaius and Edwin have a stare off, Edwin wins.

Oh, poor Gaius

**XI – Morgana, Uther and Arthur in a line looking like a panel of judges**

**EDWIN** I have been through the medical records with a fine-toothed comb

**ARTHUR** Are you saying the medical records have lice?

**MORGANA ***facepalm*

**EDWIN** Gaius' methods are outdated and he makes errors *hinthint* *nudgenudge* *winkwink*

**UTHER** OMGs, he's getting old.

Concerned!Morgana is concerned. Arthur appears not to care either way. Too caught up in his own thoughts :)

**XII – What's this? Gaius is going down to see Sparky?**

**GSD** You're old.

**GAIUS **Oh, not you as well!

**GSD** What do you want?

**GAIUS** It's about Merlin and his _Destiny_

**GSD** Ah yes... He and the young Pendragon will one day unite the land of Albion*slashy giggle* Oh, but Uther has to die first *evil laugh* (No, honestly, he actually does properly evil laugh)

**GAIUS** But I don't want Uther to DIE!

**GSD** *sigh* Well screw you then

Well, that trip was less productive than expected.

Oh lookie, its Arthur... Oh, he only wants to tell Gaius that Uther wants to see him

**UTHER** Erm... You're my friend and all but I want you to retire because Morgana almost died

**GAIUS** But it wasn't a mistake it was...

**EDWIN** *apparates out of nowhere* Hello there... Sorry, were you talking?

**UTHER** Edwin's going to take your place.

**EDWIN** Got a problem with that, bitch?

Oh, poor Gaius. That shocked look has re-glued itself to Uther's face. He looks as though he can't quite believe it, or that a blue monkey is dancing in front of him or something... Probably the first... Edwin's face, meanwhile, is just like "bite me".

Merlin isn't happy

**MERLIN** You and Edwin can work together

**GAIUS **Heck no!

**MERLIN** But why are you packing?

**GAIUS** ... Roadtrip?

**MERLIN** But you're like a father to me!

**GAIUS** Then I'm telling you in a fatherly way to stay here

**MERLIN** ...

**GAIUS** _Destiny_

Unable to convince Gaius to stay, Merlin goes to complain to Arthur. This scene just proves that Arthur really needs to grow a brain when it comes to his father's decisions. Honestly Arthur, we all love you muchly but GET A FUCKING CLUE!

Uther needs to get a clue too. Anyone with half an eye can see Edwin's evil sinisterness of doom

**XIII – Gwen thinks Gaius needs to get a clue too**

**GWEN** Edwin is dangerous!

**GAIUS** I know

**GWEN **You need to DO SOMETHING about it

**GAIUS** Well I can't DO ANYTHING about it

**GWEN **But I don't want anyone to DIE!

**GAIUS **I'm leaving. Sorry

**GWEN'S MOUTH** Goodbye Gaius

**GWEN'S BRAIN** Come baaaaaack you bastaaaaaaaaaaaard!

Come on, you can so tell that's what she's thinking

Unfortunately Gaius cannot read minds and leaves anyway

Meanwhile Uther is making a bad decision and drinking something that Edwin prepared for him. I notice that Uther hasn't got a squillion pillows like Morgana (who has disappeared since recovering from her illness)

Gaius sits in a forest and stares at a fire whilst being all wrapped up in a blanket and looking depressed

EEP IT'S EDWIN'S BLURRY FACE!

**UTHER** What the fuck?

**EDWIN** Hello. I drugged you and now I'm gonna kill you because you killed my parents

Edwin puts a skittering beetle on Uther's pillow and it heads for Uther's ear so it can eat his brain. Tasty. Random chanting people chant ominously in the background

**EDWIN** Goodbye bitch

**XIV – Edwin has long flappy cloak of doom with the hood up**

**GAIUS** You will not kill Uther!

**EDWIN** Erm... Too late :)

Gaius attempts to perform _teh magics_ on Edwin but gets it wrong. So Edwin magically throws Gaius into a pillar, as you do when you're a villain.

**EDWIN** You're getting old, Gaiu,

**GAIUS **Why is everyone saying that?

**EDWIN** Meh *makes ring of fire around Gaius*

Meanwhiles...

Merlin and Arthur run into each other once again

**ARTHUR **Holy crap, my father is ill! Find Edwin!

**MERLIN** Eep!

They run off in opposite directions

Back in the room with the ring of fire *resists urge to sing that dreadful "Ring of Fire" song* Edwin is grinning evilly and Gaius looks v. worried.

**MERLIN** OMGs, Gaius! OMGs Edwin! What are you doing?

**GAIUS **What does it look like? He's trying to kill me!

**EDWIN** And Uther

**GAIUS** Oh yeah, he tried to kill Uther but I came to stop him and now he's trying to kill me!

**MERLIN **Holy crap!

**EDWIN** Hey, Merlin, how about we rule the kingdom together?

**MERLIN** How about no

**EDWIN** Suit yourself

Edwin's eyes then flicker evilly (he did it again! Yay for evil eye shifting! This means he is a proper villain!) towards an axe on the wall and he casts _teh magics_ on it. The axe goes spinning towards Merlin's head, but Merlin's head is too pretty to be cut in half and he sends the axe spinning back towards Edwin. And despite Edwin's _special_ness he cannot make the axe spin away from him and so the camera thankfully moves away because this is a family show and thus cannot show chopped heads. And the ring of fire goes away.

**MERLIN** Are you alright?

**GAIUS** Erm, yes. I hope the cleaning people aren't squeamish though

Merlin grabs the skittering box- luckily Gaius knows what the skittering beetles are- and then it's off to (see the Wizard) save Uther!

**XV – Merlin sits on Uther's bed. There is more ominous chanting in the background (I like this)**

Gaius persuades Merlin to use _teh magics_ to save Uther. Hooray! I also notice that Gaius' hair is suddenly all neat, which is odd.

Merlin pulls the beetle out of Uther's ear!

**GAIUS** Has anyone ever told you you're a genius?

**MERLIN** You certainly haven't

Awww!

**XVI – It's a sunny morning and the birds are still tweeting (and I still don't mean Twitter!)**

**GAIUS** Drink this Uther, it will help you regain your strength

**UTHER** I don't need my strength *drinks it anyway*

Basically, Uther tells Gaius that he's very happy that Gaius saved his life and also proves that he still needs to get a clue because apparently in the fight against magic Gaius is the one person Uther can trust

*sigh*

And, with his crown and flappy cloak safely back, Uther makes Gaius both Court Physician (again) and a freeman of Camelot :)

And Merlin is happy for someone else to take the credit. Because Merlin is lovely like that. And almost a genius... One day

* * *

**NEXT TIME** Arthur kissed a girl. And he liked it

Plus, the Sidhe are spelt stupidly because you pronounce it Shee. Meh

**Reviews are love :)**


	7. Arthur Kissed a Girl, and he Liked it

GAH! I haven't reviewed amusingly in so long, so I hope this one is worth it faithful readers

Here we go...

**The Gates of Lurrrve**

**I – Ominous-ness is always nice**

We open with... a hand. Yes folks, a hand. But not just any old hand, oh no, this hand is underwater. Under _yellow _water. Whether there is a reason for this yellowness is unknown. We fadepan up to the arm of whoever owns this hand and they are wearing chainmail and armour (which kind of just yells at us who this person must be) aaaaaand... Yup. It's Arthur. Floating underwater. And thus, quite probably, drowning. But that isn't all because suddenly a face appears above the water. It's a woman wearing all yellow and holding her hand out over the water and smiling menacingly. Arthur's body floats slowly down deeper into the water...

And deeper...

... and deeper...

And then Morgana woke up and it was all a dream.

**MORGANA** Arthur... Oh crap, Arthur

At which point the Arthur/Morgana shippers started paying attention

**Opening Credits. Let the soaring music wash over you**

**II – I cannot see due to large amount of blurry leaves right in front of the camera**

I think that might be an Arthur moving around in the bushes somewhere... You never know. Ah yes, and he has a crossbow. Methinks he is hunting.

**ARTHUR** Ssssh. Be vewy, vewy qwiet... I'm hunting wabbits

Cue Bad-timing!Merlin, who runs into Arthur and upsets his aim. Merlin is holding a couple of ferrets for some reason or another. Needless to say, Arthur is annoyed (but not because of the ferrets).

Arthur's hair is rather long

And then someone screamed. Twice. Followed by silence.

**MERLIN** What was that?

**ARTHUR** Bequiet already

**BACKGROUND NOISE** *is nonexistent*

...

**WOMAN FAR AWAY** *scream* (She might be going "help help" but I can't really tell tbh)

Cut to a load of bandit type peoples menacing an old man in a fancy blue robe while some more of them crowd round the screaming woman in a fancy yellow robe. Their intentions are obvious to those over a certain age, however nothing is elaborated on because good-timing!Arthur (polar opposite of bad-timing!Merlin) arrives with his crossbow to KICK SOME BANDIT ASS! The brave prince elbows one bandit in the face and he falls over then he does some sword twirling at another one. Elbowed-bandit is not happy. You can tell because of his "grr"-face. He runs up behind Arthur with his sword all threatening just as Merlin turns up.

**MERLIN** Crap, Arthur's in trouble _again_ *does _teh magics_*

So a branch on a tree above the bandit explodes and falls on said bandit. Arthur stabs the other bandit whilst looking annoyed. The other bandits scarper. Merlin attempts to warn them off attacking maidens in fancy velvet cloaks ever again. Arthur ish not impressed. Amusing background music is amusing.

**ARTHUR** *approaches old man and woman in flappy cloaks* You alright?

**WOMAN** Yeah, we're perfectly fine *lowers hood*

**AUDIENCE** CRAP! ARTHUR RUN!

Because it's the evil woman from Morgana's dream. Surprise surprise. The flappy cloaks should have been a clue to their evil intentions. And to top it all off, she's already flirting with Arthur. He, being a pratish clotpole, mistakes it for gratitude. The woman, Mary-Sue... erm, I mean Sophia, is also wearing a weird thing around her forehead that just looks strange.

**ARTHUR** *flirtily* At your service *kisses Sophia's hand*

**SOPHIA** *grin*

**MERLIN ***suspicious look*

**III – Arthur invited Mr Flappy cloak and daughter back to Camelot then**

The old guy, Alfric, introduces himself and Sophia to Uther and co. and then shares the depressing story about how their kingdom (to which they were, of course, heirs) was ransacked and they had to flee for their lives and all that jazz.

**UTHER **Hi there. You and your staffs with shiny blue crystals are not suspicious at all. Stay here a while for no reason whatsoever

**ALFRIC **Thanks

**UTHER** *lounges in chair... honestly, he could win a medal for chair-lounging*

A random extra with a random scroll shows Alfric and Sophia out of the room. Sophia throws Arthur a conspicuous glance and smile as she leaves. Merlin and Arthur watch. Well, Arthur watches. Merlin watches Arthur watching Sophia.

Cut to...

Arthur and Merlin enter Arthur's room, discussing where Sophia can stay. Arthur, once again, is randomly getting dressed/undressed. It seems to be a habit. Not that the fangirls are complaining.

**MERLIN** *watches Arthur interestedly*

**ARTHUR** Shut up Merlin

**FANGIRLS EVERYWHERE** *collective squee*

Arthur puts on a sexy red jacket whilst making it clear that "his intentions towards Sophia are completely honourable". Merlin just gives him a look.

**ARTHUR** Put her in a room on the other side of the castle

He's hiding from the temptation... Temptation to cheat on Merlin *cough*

**MERLIN** She is very beautiful

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** TRAITOR!

**ARTHUR** Yeah, she is

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** _DOUBLE_ TRAITOR!

**MERLIN **Let her stay next door

**ARTHUR** Go for it!

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** *fume*

For some reason Arthur took off the sexy jacket as soon as he put it on... Odd. Then he puts on a brown jacket which isn't nearly as sexy.

*sigh*

**IV – Morgana's suspicion senses are**_** tingling**_

Morgana spots Sophia

**MORGANA** Oh crap

**SOPHIA** *smiles creepily at Morgana*

**MORGANA** Very crap. MERLIN! WHO IS THAT?

**MERLIN** *sounding like a carbon copy of The Doctor* We rescued her. _Well_, Arthur did most of the rescuing

**MORGANA **But she can't stay here!

**MERLIN** Are you alright?

**MORGANA** *breaks out of shock/suspicion trance* Yes, everything's fine and dandy *skips off merrily*

**MERLIN** What does Gaius PUT in those sleeping draughts?

Talking of Gaius, Morgana appears to have popped across to visit everyone's favourite grouchy-avuncular-court-physician-made-of-win. 'Avuncular' means "like a wise uncle" btw. Yes, in my absence I have actually been paying attention to school. Crazy, I know.

Thus follows one of the more humorous exchanges made so far in the entire programme.

**GAIUS** Sorry about the mess. Most of its Merlin's...

**MORGANA** *looking concerned-ly over his shoulder*

**GAIUS** (cont.) If I'd known you were coming I'd have tidied up in here

**MORGANA **Erm, it's not that, it's just... Your bench is on fire

**GAIUS ***happily* My bench is on fire? (O RLY?)

**MORGANA** *continues staring*

**GAIUS** *turns round* MY BENCH IS ON FIRE!

(YH RLY)

Gaius puts out the amusing bench fire with some help from Morgana and a bucket of water. And no Wizard of Oz jokes here please. Or _Kings of Leon_ music

**GAIUS** You're always getting me into trouble

O RLY? I thought it was Merlin who was always getting you into trouble

**MORGANA** I had a dream that Arthur was drowning and the killer is HERE IN CAMELOT OMG!

**GAIUS** Really? You must be mistaken

**MORGANA** But I don't want Arthur to DIE!

**GAIUS** Well, I think you're slightly deluded. Have some more sleeping draft. Oh, and don't tell Uther

**MORGANA'S FACE** As if

**GAIUS' FACE** *v. concerned*

**V – the spooky forest of spookiness**

Alfric is wandering around all mysteriously and comes across one of the bandits from earlier

**ALFRIC** Here, have some money for pretending to attack us so we could get into Camelot

**BANDIT** *Scottishly* More plz. I wants the life insurance for me friends

**ALFRIC** How about no? *kills him with glowing blue staff thing*

That bandit was really, _really_ Scottish...

**VI – Morgana's hair looks like it's about to crawl away like a hair creature**

Yup, Arthur's drowning, Sofia's watching. As per usual

Morgana wakes up breathing heavily

Morning. A pretty sunrise. Merlin is making Arthur's bed (*cough*) Arthur is watching.

**ARTHUR** Going out with Sofia today. Make excuses to my father for me. Please. Thank you

**MERLIN** Teh heck?

I love the way Arthur's like "Hell YEAH!" when Merlin asks him if he likes Sofia. "Likes" *eyebrows, eyebrows eyebrows* ;)

**ARTHUR** I'll be your BFF *puppy eyes of persuasiveness*

Damn. Who could argue with a face like that?

Sofia and Arthur ride off, flappy-cloakingly. Gwen and Morgana watch. Morgana's hair appears to be under control again.

Gah. Much ominous-ness. But Morgana won't tell Uther, no matter what Gwen says.

**GWEN** But it's my _only_ scene this episode. If you listen to me it will make me feel better

**MORGANA** No. I'm going to have to stop her myself

Ooo, badass!Morgana plz

**VII – Uther wishes to know where his son is**

**MERLIN** I don't know and there might have been a mistake and he's probably somewhere I don't have a clue and...

**UTHER **WHERE IS ARTHUR?

**MERLIN** Erm...

**UTHER** *deathglare*

And Merlin ends up in the stocks. Isn't that just typical?

**MERLIN** Forgot how much fun this was

Meanwhile Arthur and Sofia are being romantic in a forest. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

**SOFIA** Arthur, come here so I can cast _teh magics_ on you

**ARTHUR** What was that sweetheart?

**SOFIA** *does _teh magics_*

**VOICE **OI! YOU!

**ARROW OF DOOM** *flies out of nowhere*

**ARTHUR** OMGS! *pushes Sofia out of the way*

... he didn't notice her casting teh magics then? _Right in front of his face_?!

**KNIGHTS OF CAMELOT** Erm... Sorry Arthur

Sofia is really pale, can I just point out. She looks at the arrow and there are meaningful focus changes. Arthur returns, his hair doing an impression of the pineapple twins (thats Jedward, for those not in the X-Factor-hatedom-slang know). Arthur tries to give Sofia her glowing blue crystal staff back

**SOFIA** NO DON'T TOUCH IT!

**ARTHUR** Oh... Soz

**SOFIA** Never mind. Don't let this spoil our day together. Now, were we?

**ARTHUR** Nah, lets go back to Camelot or our father's will kill me

**SOFIA'S BRAIN **** %££"$*(*)&(**^!!!!!!!!!

**VIII – Merlin's been having an eventful day**

**GAIUS **Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food? (Lion King quotes ftw)

**MERLIN **Shut up

**GAIUS** What did you do this time?

**MERLIN** It wasn't _my_ fault! It's because Arthur's besotted with Sofia

**MERLIN'S BRAIN** The cheat

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** ARTHUR YOU TRAITOR!

**GAIUS** Hmmm, this seems awfully coincidental. I think it's time I investigated!

_Gaius Investigates_. Spinoff, anyone?

Whilst snooping around in Alfric's room, him comes across the glowly blue crystal staff. It's got pretty patterns all carved on it. Curious!Gaius is curious.

**ALFRIC ***accompanied by sudden cymbol clash* Can I help you?

Isn't that what creepy butlers say when they sneak up on the poor lost couple in the haunted house?

**GAIUS **Sorry, I thought somebody had broken in

**ALFRIC** *accompanied by ominous chorus note* Looks like they have!

Sheesh, accusation much?

GAIUS Leaving now

Oh look, Arthur, Sofia and the flappy cloak are back. Sofia gives Arthur a peck on the cheek.

**SOFIA** Nighty night, Arthur *walks inside doorway*

_Five minutes later_:

**TAIL END OF THE FLAPPY CLOAK** *reaches doorway *

Seriously.

Meanwhiles, Morgana is wandering around aimlessly and almost collides headlong into Sofia

**SOFIA **Oops, sorry

**MORGANA **What are you doing here?

**SOFIA** Erm, guest of the king

**MORGANA** Liar. You're going to kill Arthur

**SOFIA** O RLY?

She then accuses Morgana of being in love with Arthur and that jealousy makes her ugly. Doesn't matter. The fact the Morgana is taller than Sofia automatically makes anything she says a lot more sinister than anything Sofia says

**MORGANA** If anything happens to Arthur I will find you and slice your skull open, yes? *leaves*

Amused!Sofia is amused. Personally, I'd be scared witless. Then again, I don't have evil Mary Sue magics.

Morgana's shoes are v. loud

**IX- the evil room of evil which is v. dark for unknown reasons**

**ALFRIC **You're back early. Aren't teenage girls supposed to be late all the time?

**SOFIA** I was almost killed like a pathetic mortal and that annoyingly feeble prince saved me. The horror

**ALFRIC **Never mind sweetheart. We'll regain our true form soon

They're not human then

**ALFRIC **Just seduce that prince before Gaius finds the balls to tell Uther we have _teh magics_

**SOFIA **Or Morgana, despite the fact she is afraid of her powers

**ALFRIC **Tommorow then plz?

Sofia keeps lifting her head in a weird, arrogant way. It's sort of weirdly annoying

Speaking of Morgana, she's giving subtle hints to Arthur. Sheesh, Morgana, how long have you known him? He wouldn't get a subtle hint if it hit him with a brick. Or an anvil... Anvil-sized hints... Tee hee. I should stop reading random archives on Mugglenet

**MORGANA **I've never seen you fall under a woman's spell so quickly

What about a man's? Like Merlin. Ah, pronouns, they keep me happy

**ARTHUR** Stop being jealous

**MORGANA** I'm trying to protect you, you clotpole!

She sounds pretty darned disgusted at the idea of being jealous of Sofia. The non Arthur/Morgana shippers can breath easy.

She's telling Arthur about her nightmare. Arthur is laughing

**MORGANA** Why are you laughing?

**ARTHUR **This is your really off-kilter brand of flirting, isn't it?

**MORGANA** I really hate you

Ah, sibling-type rivalry. It is entertaining

**X – Morning. Ominous music. It's a combination, I guess**

Once again Arthur is dressing and Merlin is watching. This time Merlin is randomly holding armour.

**MERLIN **You're dressed?

**ARTHUR** Nothing gets past you, does it Merlin?

*gigglesnort*

**MERLIN **Yeah. You're father's knighting someone

He's throwing an awful lot of random morning stuff that Arthur really should attend around these days, isn't Uther? Anyway, Arthur's bunking with Sofia again.

**MERLIN ***looking oddly seductive* How was yesterday?

**ARTHUR** Great. Fantastic. She's incredible.

WHY MUST THESE THINGS SOUND SO SEXUAL?

**ARTHUR** Awesomesocks

**MERLIN** *watches him leave* I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole deception lark...

...

Or not

STOCKS TIME!

Oh, running gags. They amuse me.

Oh sheesh. Arthur and Sofia are running through the forest and giggling. How very vomit inducing. This couldn't be any sicklier if it was in slow motion.

**SOFIA **So, where were we? *starts casting _teh magics_*

**ARTHUR** What are you doing?

HEAVENS ABOVE! HE ACTUALLY _NOTICED_?!

Oh geez. Glowing red eyes. This can't be good.

Arthur has them too. Very not good.

Although they are one awesome effect, it must be said.

Meanwhile:

**MERLIN** You'd think the appeal of pelting the same person with fruit would wear off after a while

**GAIUS** *facedesk*

Why is Merlin so happy about Arthur and Sofia?

**GAIUS** Pop quiz time! What do you know about Seers?

**MERLIN **Erm, do I get a prize?

**GAIUS **No. They dream the future. I think Morgana is a Seer and she dreamt that Sofia killed Arthur

**MERLIN **Teh heck?

**GAIUS** Oh, and Alfric has Technicolor eyes.

In Arthur's room, Sofia appears to be doing wedding vows with Arthur, who is staring blankly at her

**SOFIA** We do real wedding vows yes? Then we can be together forever

**ARTHUR ***blankly* Till death do us part

AHHHH! THIS IS NOT GOOD! ARTHUR, HAVE YOU NOT SEEN _THE END OF TIME PART ONE_?

...

**XI – Apparently Arthur is "ready" and Alfric's gonna go visit "The Elders". Always nice to chat with your relatives before indulging in a bit princely murder, I guess**

GAH! Merlin just apparated right next to a corner. Luckily neither Alfric nor Sofia noticed.

Sofia just went back into that room where I assume Arthur is. Not gonna dwell on that one, no I am not

Determined!Merlin is determined. He follows Alfric through the dark and spooky wood to a lake. Watch out Merlin, nothing good ever came of hanging around by an expanse of water... Though most of those guys had a girl with them at the time

**ALFRIC** I seek an audience with the Sidhe Elders!

The lake glows blue and a load of small glowing things start zipping around. Okay, so the Sidhe are fairies then... But they are zipping around so fast that Merlin cannot see them so he uses his Time Lord magics to slow them down. Fascinated!Merlin is fascinated.

Yup. They're fairies. Blue fairies.

**ALFRIC** Will you let us back into Avalon where we will be immortal and stuff?

**SIDHE ELDER** How about no, murderer?

**ALFRIC **What about my daughter?

**SIDHE ELDER** Give me the soul of a mortal prince and I'll think about it

**ALFRIC** Arthur Pendragon alright for you?

**MERLIN **Oh crap

**SIDHE ELDER** *sinister hissing*

**SIDHE** *disappear*

**ALFRIC ***evil laughter*

Oh how clichéd his laughter is.

**XII – The bit where Gaius explains it all**

**GAIUS **Wow, you saw Avalon, the land of eternal youth. Was it awesome beyond life?

**MERLIN** Does it matter? I don't want Arthur to DIE!

**GAIUS** Meh. Alfric and Sofia are the Sidhe, by the way. Masters of enchantment

**MERLIN** You think Arthur's been enchanted?

**GAIUS** No shit, Sherlock. Morgana's dream seems to be coming true

**XIII – Arthur wants to get married. Uther is more interested in paper**

Merlin randomly sneaks in to watch whilst Arthur explains that he and Sofia have "grown very close"

**UTHER** Not too close, I hope

That made me laugh. Don't know why. Silly, clueless Uther

**ARTHUR** We're in love. Can we get married?

**MORGANA'S FACE** Fuck.

UTHER *laughs* You're joking, yes?

Silly, clueless Uther

**ARTHUR **Erm, no.

Morgana's eyes are getting wider by the second. Sofia is just watching Arthur in a sinister way.

**MORGANA ***glaring at Arthur*Well, aren't you full of surprises?

**ARTHUR **Yeah, we're leaving and getting married now

**UTHER** *not even looking up from his fascinating paper* Guards. Door.

**GUARDS** *block the door*

**UTHER **Who's the King around here?

**ARTHUR **Don't care

**UTHER ***sigh* If you want something doing, you gotta do it yourself. Oi, guards, arrest Sofia and Alfric

Okay, not that I'm calling this a bad idea but... It's a bit drastic, isn't it?

**UTHER** Executions tomorrow.

Okay. Very drastic.

Arthur and Uther have a staring contest. Uther wins, and releases Sofia and Alfric, cause Arthur gave him the R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Uther appears to think Arthur's jumping into a crush. Morgana thinks he isn't taking the whole thing seriously.

**UTHER** He's young and foolish and has a crush and to be honest these papers are a lot more interesting

**MORGANA** I don't trust Sofia. She's dangerous

**UTHER **Proof?

**MORGANA** Erm... The _tingling_?

**UTHER** ...

**MORGANA** ...

Basically there is a big long suspense moment of "will she or won't she tell Uther about her power". She doesn't. Big surprise.

**XIV – Arthur wants Merlin to "get out"**

Merlin tries to sympathise. Arthur yells at him.

**MERLIN** I'm your friend

**ARTHUR **No, Merlin, you're my servant

**AUDIENCE IN GENERAL** TRAITOR!

**MERLIN** But you're enchanted!

But Arthur doesn't have time to yell at Merlin again because Sofia and Alfric suddenly turn up. Sinisterly.

**SOFIA** Wanna elope?

**ARTHUR** Oh yes, my love, my darling, my sweetpea

**MERLIN** Hang on! Arthur calls _me_ his sweetpea! Alright, that's it! I saw you go and tell the fairy people you wanted to sacrifice Arthur

**ARTHUR** What?

Merlin goes to grab Alfric's staff to show Arthur _teh magical_ writing but Alfric stops him, eyes all red and glowing

**MERLIN** Crap. Arthur, look at his eyes, do you see?

**ARTHUR** *sinisterly* I see everything

ARGH! GLOWING RED EYES ARTHUR! Merlin runs at Alfric, who points his staff and _teh glowing magics_ shove him into a wall. They don't kill him though. Maybe Merlin's _special_ness protects him. Still unconscious though

**XV – Morgana watches Alfric, Arthur and Sofia ride away whilst a cheap imitation of 'O Fortuna' plays in the background**

**MORGANA ***bursting into Gaius' room whilst wearing a flat polar bear on her shoulders* They've taken Arthur! I don't want Arthur to DIE!

**GAIUS **Calm down dear (it's a commercial). Just don't tell Uther. Trust me and stay here

**MORGANA** But... but... but...!

**GAIUS ***leaves*

Alfric, Sofia and red-eyed Arthur walk slo-mo through the forest. Meanwhile, Gaius finds Merlin.

**GAIUS** Damn, you can't go save Arthur with concussion!

**MERLIN** Yeah, whatever. Princes to save. Bye bye!

**GAIUS** Other direction

**MERLIN** Yeah, just testing

**GAIUS** ... *facepalm*

Merlin is running. Alfric is telling Sofia he can't go with her. Arthur is staring and looking slightly evil. The look on Sofia's face almost makes me feel sorry for her. Almost. Her stealing Merlin's boyfriend is a crime a slash shipper like me cannot forgive

**MERTHUR FAN CLUB** Well said!

**GSD **Where have I been this episode anyway?

Meanwhile:

**SOFIA** But I don't want to go without you

**ALFRIC** _Destiny_

**GSD **OI! My line, bitch!

Alfric and Sofia hug then Sofia flappy cloaks with Arthur into the lake. Merlin is running. Sofia and Arthur are walking into the lake. Merlin is still running. Sofia and Arthur are still walking into the lake. Music is soaring. Merlin is running. Sofia and Arthur face each other in the middle of the lake. Alfric starts speaking teh magics. Merlin is running. Merlin is tripping over a branch. Sofia and Arthur are staring. Sofia kisses Arthur and he falls backwards into the lake.

Merlin is slightly lost. Arthur floats in the lake. Yeah, we've already seen that in Morgana's dreams.

Luckily, as Arthur sinks deeper, Merlin finds the lake and sees Sofia's blue glowing crystal staff lying next to Alfric. So he _Accio_s it to him and electrifrys Alfric nice and toasty.

**SOFIA** DADDY!

**MERLIN** Eat teh magics, boyfriend stealing btich

**SOFIA** *asplodes*

**MERTHR SHIPPERS** YAY!

But wait, Arthur is still drowning in the lake of doom! I told you nothing good ever happens when a man and a woman find themselves by/in an expanse of water... But it's alright because Merlin is gonna rescue Arthur's princely arse if it kills him.

So he runs into the lake and dives under the water...

And Merlin and Arthur surface, with Merlin holding onto Arthur v. tightly and both boys v. wet. And the shippers were satisfied.

**XVI – Gaius and Merlin are sitting watching Arthur regain consciousness**

**ARTHUR** What in heck's name just happened? My head hurts. Was I drinking last night or what?

Arthur tries to remember what happened and it slowly starts coming back... And then it all comes back

**ARTHUR **TEH _HECK_?

And then Gaius and Merlin explain what happened. Omitting all mention of _teh magics_, of course. Apparently this means Merlin had to make Arthur come back to Camelot by knocking him out with a log of wood. Arthur is not amused.

Uther (wearing a particularly smexy cloak combination today... Argh, I really need to get over this) suspects that Arthur must have eloped with Sofia in a fit of passion. Oh dear. Luckily Merlin is there to provide excuses. Uther ish not amused and suspects Merlin may be missing a brain. I know someone who could check that out for you...

Arthur says he went hunting. Disbelieving!Morgana is disbelieving.

**MORGANA **And killing things mends a broken heart?

**ARTHUR** No, but its good fun

**MORGANA** o.O

And, of course, as all this is Merlin's fault, he gets the stocks. Again.

Alls fair, I guess

Morgana comes to visit Gaius and Merlin that evening, having been told "what really happened" by Arthur. Gaius tells her to remember to take her sleeping draught every night before she goes to sleep. Yeah, that makes logical sense to me. When else would you take a sleeping draught. Oh well. Anyway, and if she forgets she has a Gwen to remind her.

**GAIUS** She must never find out that she is a Seer

**MERLIN** Is she like me?

**GAIUS** No one's like you Merlin. You're _special_.

Gaius. No good ever came of telling someone that

**MERLIN** But she has the gift

**GAIUS** For her sake I hope not

All this is lovely foreshadowing for the fact we're having a Morgana-centric episode next time

Morgana herself is in bed again, with her hair trying to escape all over the pillow again. She wakes up from another nightmare...

And the episode ends

**NEXT TIME**

The Great Slash Dragon is back. And so is another flappy cloaked person... Well, a boy. A druid, to be specific. There is an execution. Uther is angry. Morgana is worried. Gaius is concerned. Gwen actually looks slightly sinister, standing behind Morgana like that... And apparently the boy is going to kill Arthur

Three guesses what his name is. And the first two don't count.

*cough*Mordred*cough*


	8. The Beginning of Adorable Evil

Hello there faithful readers and welcome back to what is the amusing review of one of my favourite episodes of the series. Here we go:

**The Beginning of the End – or when Evil gets adorable**

**I – Asa Butterfield looks thoroughly freaked out**

Slow motion chanting in the background is... interesting. A rather nice looking young man with a beard is walking with his child (well, I'm assuming they're related. It makes sense) and looking rather smiley. Oh look, they are wearing cloaks of flappiness as well.

The man wants to collect some supplies and get the heck out of the city. The child has very very wide eyes but that does not detract from his adorableness. Luckily the stallholder has the man's supplies, everything he asked for, in a bag. A tiny bag. So he can't have asked for much, can he? Hmm, seems to me a more logical solution when collecting supplies is to get as much as possible so you don't have to go back for supplies again. *facepalm*

Never mind. Looks like the stallholder betrayed them anyway. At least he apologised

**THE CRACK SQUAD OF CAMELOT GUARDS** *approach from all sides*

**MAN **What is _wrong_ with you people?

And so to escape he ducks under the table and pops up on the other side. With the child, of course. You don't leave him behind, no sir.

**GUARDS** What the heck just happened? Oh, there he is! Get him!

**MAN** *running* See ya! *overturns a table*

And they run out into the courtyard and the bright light and...

**MAN** Oh crap

Because there are more guards coming. So they run.... towards the castle where the magic hating King and commander of these guards live. Because they'll be safe there

**NINJA GUARD** *leaps out of air*

GAH! IT'S MERLIN!

The child just screamed in pain. Given his adorableness that is very sad

**MERLIN** Teh heck?

**MAN **You hurt my child, ninja guard! How dare you... Erm, now how do I escape? I know!

And he uses _teh magics_ and throws the ninja guard telekinetically against a wall. Go him. Unfortunately more guards are coming so the man does the honourable thing. He uses _teh magics_ to make the gates close really slowly then tells his injured child to run for it. Which he does, looking back over his shoulder at his father as the gates close behind him. It's cliché, but it's also kind of sad.

Man is surrounded by Camelot guards. *sniffle*

**Opening Credits- too busy sniffling over fate of nice man with nice hair and beard to watch. Be back later**

**II – Merlin isn't exactly running to the rescue... Nor is he wearing a scarf. Is he sick or something?**

**BOY** (voiceover, I mean, he isn't in this scene he's somewhere else) Help...

**MERLIN **Okay, something really is up. Now I'm hearing voices in the walls *walks out into courtyard*

Merlin looks around a bit and spots... the boy in his blue-green (I know someone who would call it teal, and another person who would mock her for calling it teal) flappy clock sitting on the ground by a coach being ignored by everyone and looking at Merlin with big pleading bright blue eyes. And here come the Men in Red

**BOY **(not out loud, 'cause Merlin can hear his voice all echo-y in his head) They're searching for me. Help please hint-hint, nudge-nudge, wink-wink

**MERLIN** Why are they after you?

**BOY** They're going to kill me

**MERLIN** Doesn't answer my question but good enough

The guards are off looking in completely the wrong direction. Typical. So Merlin uses the distraction to get the boy to run over to him. One guard notices and tries to follow, also typical. And do these guys have some sort of weird, non-medieval communication system or what because Merlin and the boy have only just got into the castle and the guards inside already seem to know where they are.

**MERLIN** I know. I'll just crash into this door!

Yes, into a room where Morgana and Gwen are giggling together. I wonder what about? Maybe they've noticed the evident chemistry between Arthur and his manservant...

**MORGANA** Have you forgotten how to knock?

**AUDIENCE ***all look at Morgana like she's crazy, because _since when_ has _Merlin _ever knocked?*

**GUARDS** *actually do knock* My Lady?

Merlin and the boy (who is a druid, apparently) hide, and the boy promptly faints. Morgana acts all happy and smiley and "I haven't seen anyone." Gwen just looks slightly bemused.

**MORGANA** It's just me and my maid (Hint-hint, nudge-nudge, wink-wink)

**GUARD** Best keep the door locked until we find him

**MORGANA** Of course (Hint-hint, nudge-nudge, wink-wink)

The guard leaves and Morgana rushes over to check on Merlin and the boy. The boy is bleeding. Morgana looks horrified. Blood? On the BBC at primetime? On a Saturday? I'm surprised too.

**III – Arthur and Uther having the worlds smallest and most biased council meeting in the world, ever**

**ARTHUR** Do we have to execute him?

**UTHER **Yes.

**ARTHUR** But...

**UTHER** Magic is dangerous kthnxbi.

**ARTHUR ***facepalm*

**IV – Swirly Celtic style tattoos: because we really need that much evidence to figure out he's a druid**

Boy still looks majorly scared, but it makes sense because his father is about to have his head chopped off on a barrel. Morgana and Merlin watch out the window. Uther and his maroon cloak give a speech, once again saying that the druid is guilty of using enchantments _and_ magic (THEY'RE THE SAME THING UTHER! GAH!) Oh, and btw, anyone hiding his "accomplice" is guilty of treason and will have their head chopped off too, kthnxbi. Morgana and Merlin look (understandably) worried

**DRUID** You let your fear of magic turn to hate. I pity you (translation: you suck. Haha, screw you)

**MORGANA** I can't watch this

And yet you watched that bloke get _his_ head cut off in the first episode... Merlin's still watching though

Uther's hand falls and so does the axe (wow... did I just sound... deep?)

**BOY** (in Merlin's head) NO!

**MORGANA'S MIRROR** *smashes*

**MERLIN AND MORGANA **Teh HECK?

Concerned!Merlin is concerned

**V – I can has Gaius now?**

**MERLIN** Gaius, tell me about druids

**GAIUS** Sorry, they are one of those things I happen to now know much about... Hang on? Are you involved in this mess?

**MERLIN** I didn't do it... whatever it was

**GAIUS **You are an awful liar and I don't need the _tingling_ like Uther to work that out

**MERLIN **I could hear him in my head

**GAIUS** Right. Be careful or it'll be your head on the chopping barrel

MERLIN I'm always careful, you know me

Gaius' eyebrows are not amused

**VI – guards are sticking pitchforks in straw because apparently this is the one effective way of checking that no one is smuggling a druid out of Camelot in some**

Merlin goes back to Morgana's chamber, where the boy is resting.

**MORGANA** He doesn't speak. He won't even tell me his name

Bet we can't guess it *cough*mordred*cough*

Merlin and Morgana have a nice little heart-to-heart. It's sweet. So is Colin Morgan's adorable smile. Morgana is feeling all motherly towards the boy. Oooo, and there is Uther-hate. Morgana starts being all deep about magic then asks Merlin why he is helping the boy.

**MERLIN** Spur-of-the-moment decision... Erm, this is awkward lets have a subject change! What are you going to do with him? He can't stay here

MORGANA We'll find a way to get him back to his people

**VII – awkward!dinner is awkward**

Uther and Morgana are having dinner together. Alone. *sigh* This is only going to add fuel to the shipper's fire. And Morgana's sexy dress isn't helping either

**MORGANA** I am happy and smiley and everything is fine and dandy and nothing is wrong at all

**OBLIVIOUS!UTHER** *is oblivious*

Oh, here comes an Arthur. There hasn't been nearly enough of him yet. Unfortunately there is no sign of the druid boy, despite an extensive search. Uther is not happy. Morgana is worried.

**ARTHUR** Don't you think you're going a bit far making us go to all this trouble just for one little kid

**UTHER **No

**MORGANA **This is me agreeing with Uther in order to draw any suspicion away from myself

**UTHER **See, Morgana agrees with me and that is not suspicious at all. Now naff off.

**ARTHUR** *naffs off*

**VIII – Good morning Camelot (no, that is not a song that me and my friend mad-is-not-the-word-4-it-XD are writing... *shifty eyes*)**

The boy has a fever and his wound is infected, but Merlin refuses to get Gaius involved. Apparently Gaius would execute Merlin himself if he found out, using nothing but a sharp raised eyebrow. So instead Merlin's going to treat the boy himself. A dog randomly barks in the background.

**MORGANA** And you know how to treat an infected wound?

**MERLIN** Not exactly but I'm a fast learner

Intuitive aptitude ftw.

GAH! SOMEBODY KNOCKED FOUR TIMES!

**MORGANA** Quick, hide behind my curtain

Why does this remind me of somebody being caught with an adulterous lover?

Oh, and its Arthur... talking of being caught with adulterous lovers, tee hee hee ;)

I do love Morgana's sibling sarcasm but Arthur's hearing none of it, he's going to search Morgana's chambers

**MERLIN** Crap. If he finds me he'll think I'm cheating on him with Morgana... And he'll find the druid boy. Double crap.

Arthur doesn't seem to be taking this search seriously, preferring to banter insults with Morgana. Unfortunately he is a spectacular loser at insult matches so he resorts to insulting Merlin instead. Also, Merlin has just noticed his boots (I think they're his) in plain view. It looks like the time for _teh magics_!

Looooool, funny boots tiptoeing on their own

**MORGANA** *sarcastically* The druid boy is hiding behind the screen

**MERLIN** What teh scarf?

**ARTHUR** So you're going to make me look like a fool?

**MORGANA** In my experience you don't need any help looking like a fool

Pwned.

**ARTHUR** You aren't very funny, you know that? *leaves*

Fail, Arthur. Fail.

Though he does have a point. What does Morgana do all day?

Though it's Gwen who brushes her hair... where's Gwen got to and all?

**IX – Merlin looks for a cure for infected wounds**

Oh, here comes Gaius. And he wants Merlin to do some stuff. Great timing.

**MERLIN** I was doing some reading. You're work is fascinating

**GAIUS **Oh lovely. SCHOOL TIME!

Merlin, you've just dug yourself a nice deep hole. Enjoy it down there.

Basic anatomy. Hmm, fun

**X – Morgana is not amused**

Merlin makes excuses whilst applying what looks an awful lot like glue to the boy's wound. Morgana is still not happy, but goes to get some more water anyway. Hey, good timing, now Merlin can talk to him in echo-y thought voices

**BOY** Thank you, Emrys

**MERLIN** My name isn't Emrys

**BOY** It is where I come from

**MERLIN** What teh scarf? Your people know about me... And hang on, who gave them the right to give me a completely different and slightly Welsh name?

**BOY** *faints again*

Disturbed!Merlin is disturbed

**XI – Now would be a good time to visit a Great Slash Dragon, methinks**

Sparky is hiding and seems to think that roar-hissing at his guest would be appropriate. That's dragons for you. Anyway, now he's back to his normal advice-giving position they can talk

**SPARKY** Hi there. So, you're here about the druid boy. Hey guess what, I can hear him too

**MERLIN** Well there's no need to sound so smug about it. What does "Emrys" mean?

**SPARKY** That is your name

**MERLIN **I'm pretty sure my name's Merlin

**SPARKY **Well, that's Welsh for you. Anyway, you have many names and there is much written about you that you have yet to read, all that jazz. Oh, by the way, don't protect the boy. You and he are as different as day and night. Bye now.

**MERLIN** WHAT DO YOU MEEEEEEEAN?

Too late. Sparky's gone.

**XII – Good morning Camelot (again)**

Druid boy has crossed eyes and Morgana is still concerned. Hey look, Gwen exists!

**BOY ***echo-y thought-voice* Morgana...

Morgana is shocked. Someone knocks at the door

**COLIN MORGAN ACCENT SLIP** Its Merlin

Morgana sends Merlin off to get Gaius' help, seeing as whatever Merlin did with that glue stuff hasn't worked.

Gaius is ranting about extra security. Don't we all know how you feel, Gaius? Health and safety gone mad and all that. Merlin is being very quiet and Gaius eventually realises this means Merlin's up to something and wants his help. Merlin tells Gaius the truth. Gaius is very not amused and neither are his eyebrows.

**MERLIN** Are you saying it's wrong to harbour a young magician?

Ooo, that caught him out. And so Gaius agrees to help out, so long as they get the boy out of Camelot as soon as he's well.

Well, at least we now know one thing for certain. Merlin is no physician

Poor Merlin looks for forlorn

**XIII – Guards are still searching. Sheesh Uther, give life a break**

Luckily Merlin knows another way out. It's a good thing all these castles have lots of secret passageways to the outside.

**MORGANA** It's too dangerous. I'll do it

**GWEN'S FACE** Teh heck?

**MERLIN** I'm good with secret doors and things

He means he might have to use _teh magics_ to get out. Apparently the boy is Morgana's responsibility (aww, her motherly feelings) which is why she has to do it... Plus, Uther is less likely to have her executed.

Oh, and Arthur has the only key to the door. Typical.

**XIV – Arthur's been missing his manservant I think**

Merlin uses _teh magics _to make the key in question float off his belt into the air. Arthur, of course, chooses that exact moment to turn around and ask if there is any bread to go with his soup. Merlin manages to hide the floating keys by having them float around behind Arthur's head. One can see where this is going...

Yup, Merlin keeps the keys floating around just out of Arthur's eyesight for the whole scene, despite the fact that Arthur keeps turning around. The really funny thing about this scene though is Merlin's completely straight face and matter-of-fact tone of voice for the whole thing.

**MERLIN** *magically drops keys in bowl*

**ARTHUR** Hey, what was that splash?

**MERLIN ***shrugs* Bread?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nice to have a little light entertainment in the middle of such a serious episode

**XV – the boy is up and about now, it seems**

Morgana is wearing a very inconspicuous *cough* _bright red_ flappy cloak. She's talking to Gwen and apologising for possibly putting her in danger. Gwen gives a nice little call back to episode three. Ah, continuity, thanks Gwen. Merlin knocks (hang on... what?). Gwen goes to let him in. Morgana talks to the boy

**MORGANA** We're going to get you out of Camelot

**BOY ***adorable smile*

Merlin gives Morgana the key and its time to go. Of course, there would be many guards patrolling the corridors, footsteps echoing like horses' hooves, or maybe coconuts being clacked together. Luckily Morgana and the druid are able to just about miss them and get into the armoury. Morgana helps him into the little door behind the shield.

Meanwhile Gwen and Merlin worry a lot. Ominous music is ominous

OH TEH NOES! A servant saw Morgana and the boy go into the armoury and they told a guard and the guard told Arthur and now they are going to go into that tunnel and find them! Oh crap, the warning bell... Morgana and the boy run into the house where Merlin and Gwen are but Morgana refuses to let them come with her. Gwen is not happy about this

**GWEN** But I don't want you to DIE! Or the druid boy

**MORGANA** Nah-ah, Gwen. Get out before you're caught

**BOY ***thought-voice* Goodbye Emrys

Morgana and the boy make a run for it but the guards are coming so they hide in the shadows. I feel upset, they look so scared. After a few minutes of suspense Morgana tries to make a run for it...

**ARTHUR** *puts his sword to her back* Halt, or I'll run you through

Morgana turns round, looking completely sad and scared and its saddening. Arthur is shocked. OH, let them go Arthur, please...

**ARTHUR **Restrain them

WHAT?

**XVI – Not so good morning Camelot, because Arthur is a bastard and Uther isn't much better**

Accusing!Uther is accusing. Morgana is glaring. Arthur is hiding in the background.

**UTHER** How could you have done this?

**MORGANA** I would not see him executed. He is just a boy

**UTHER **Druid boy = druid. Druid = magic. Magic = bad. Make arrangements for the boy to be executed

**MORGANA** No!

Uther responds to Morgana's arguments by grabbing her by the throat and shoving her against a chair and it is genuinely terrifying.

Oh, poor Morgana

Merlin isn't in a happy state either. And now he's having to listen to poor Morgana kicking herself for not saving the boy. At least she hasn't given up. And she manages to persuade Merlin to help her. Which is good. Then again, I wouldn't be able to argue with her if she looked at me like that. Poor Morgana.

**XVII – Hey, Arthur's actually using his common sense now. Plus, he's wearing a badass coat so I think I'll forgive him... for now**

**ARTHUR **Maybe we should just imprison him instead of executing him, seeing as he's only, what, eight?

**UTHER **No. As much as I don't want to kill him I will anyway

**ARTHUR** And what about Morgana? She'll never forgive you...

**UTHER** I do not seek her forgiveness... And anyway, what's she going to do with the boy, keep him as a pet? Anyway, she has betrayed me and she's only staying alive because of a promise I made to her father *leaves, with wide mad staring scary eyes*

**ARTHUR ***also leaves, with badass coat flapping behind him*

Arthur goes back to his chambers ands finds Morgana, who starts guilt-tripping him. Arthur tells her that he's tried to talk Uther out of it, but as we already know, Uther is having none of that.

**MORGANA** Then the time for talking is over!

**ARTHUR **... Oh god, you're going to guilt trip me into helping you now, aren't you?

**MORGANA** ... please

**ARTHUR** Dammit.

**XVIII – Bastard executioner deserves to be glared at by Merlin. Maybe its the same guy who was going to execute Buckbeak in the Prisoner of Azkaban film... Hey, Azkaban is actually a word according to Microsoft Word spellcheck! And spellcheck isn't...**

Arthur and Morgana are going to break the druid boy out of the dungeons

**MERLIN** But it's too dangerous

**MORGANA** ...

**ARTHUR **...

**MERLIN **Dammit

**ARTHUR** And Merlin is going to do all the work. Yay! And Morgana is going to apologise to Uther. Yay!

**MORGANA AND MERLIN** Teh heck?

I love the shot of Merlin and Arthur arguing with Morgana standing in the background sort of framed by them, looking bemused. Arthur's putting so much trust in Merlin. Aww and yay!

Merlin's gone to meet Sparky again.

**MERLIN **So, why am I supposed to not protect this boy?

**SPARKY** Because he will ruin your destiny

**MERLIN** So you mean he is going to kill Arthur?

**SPARKY** That is up to you

**MERLIN **But the future isn't set in stone!

**SPARKY** Try telling that to The Doctor. You must let the boy die.

Poor Merlin looks so conflicted.

**IXX – Merlin's forehead has wrinkled like a lizard's elbow, apparently**

Merlin thinks that Arthur dying is even more terrible than the boy being executed. In fact, he thinks the execution is "bad, really bad" and Arthur's death is "unthinkable." His words, not mine. I'll leave that for you to dwell on.

Gaius thinks Merlin has already made his decision, because its Merlin's choice so long as it means he doesn't put himself in terrible danger. And Merlin decides... He is going to do nothing.

Gwen is helping Morgana put her dress on. I'll also leave you to come to your own conclusion on that but I might add that Gwen seems to think that Morgana is slightly crazy to put her life on the line for a boy she hardly knows. And Morgana thinks there is a bond between her and the druid boy, which she can't explain.

**MORGANA** I must go to Uther now

**GWEN** Good luck

Aww.

Morgana apologises to Uther, complete with tearful voice and explanations that she didn't know what she was thinking and acted without thinking of the consequences. Damn, Morgana is a good actress.

And what does Uther say?

UTHER I'm glad you've seen sense. Dine with me. Lets put this *cough* unfortunately incident behind us.

Yes, the cough is genuine. Morgana glares whilst Uther isn't looking.

**XX – Wow, I don't think I've made it to this many scenes before**

Where the heck did Arthur get a stink bomb or whatever that is from? Well whatever it is, it knocked out those guards pretty effectively. Lets just say its good they didn't have fingerprinting in those days though.

Oh, poor little druid boy in jail. He is very good at glaring too, maybe Morgana taught him how. Arthur tells him not to be scared. Hmm, if I were the boy I might not trust the guy who had me arrested only the previous night but maybe his druid _special_ness tells him whether Arthur can be trusted because he seems to be trusting Arthur.

The guards have woken up and notice that the druid boy has escaped.

Arthur and the boy make it to the grate that leads out to the forest. Apparently Merlin was supposed to be waiting for them... But he isn't there.

**ARTHUR **Don't worry, he'll be here

Actually Merlin is sitting on his bed looking guilty, poor Merlin, and trying not to listen to the warning bell which has started clanging out over Camelot. But the bOy's thought-voices are not so hard to block out

**BOY***thought-voice* Emrys... Where are you Emrys? Emrys?

**MERLIN** *puts hands over ears* Please, please shut up

**BOY** *thought-voice* Help us... I'm scared Emrys, they'll kill me... I know you can hear me, I thought you were my friend

Arthur draws his sword.

**BOY** *thought-shouts* EMRYS!

**MERLIN** ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT I'M COMING!

Damn he got to that grate quick

**ARTHUR** Where the hell have you been?

**MERLIN **I had trouble getting out of the castle... And the correct term is "oh my scarf" this is a family show

**ARTHUR** Oh shut up and hurry up

Merlin has a grappling hook handy; don't ask me where he got it from. And a horse. The grate comes off and Arthur and the boy get on the horse. Oh, and if Uther asks where Arthur is he's gone on a hunting trip. And they gallop off into the forest, but not before Arthur warns Merlin to make himself scarce so he isn't executed either. Aww. Oh, and the boy tells Merlin they will meet again.

**BOY ***thought-voice* Goodbye, Emrys

The guards tell Uther that the druid boy has escaped. Uther is not happy. After being all accusing at Morgana again he warns her that if she betrays him again he will break his promise to her father without a second thought.

Anthony Head can be really, really scary when he's being all intense. Then again, Morgana's expression after he leaves is quite intense and scary too...

**XXI – Arthur and the druid boy have found some more druids... in slo-mo**

DRUID We are indebted to you for bringing the boy back to us

ARTHUR Thanks, just don't tell anyone I was involved. Please

DRUID Our lips are sealed

The druid boy looks pretty intense now too. Have you lot seen that intense stare? A kid with a stare like that, he's probably going to grow up into either:

A serial killer

A right creep

A pimp

All of the above

... yeah.

Still adorable as heck though

**ARTHUR** Wait! I don't even know your name

Hang on, isn't that what people say to the love-at-first-sight person they've just met who is suddenly running away from them for no reason?

**ARTHUR **At least tell me your name

There is ominous music. The boy turns round and looks at Arthur.

**DRUID BOY** My name is Mordred

**ARTHUR** Good luck, Mordred

The ominous music swells.

**MORDRED ***smiles*

**NEXT TIME **

Nimueh's back... Sheesh, the dragon just screamed. This can't be good...

* * *

**Read and Review, my faithful readers :) **


	9. The Sword that Wasn't in the Stone

So, anyone else been watching Doctor Who and thinking "THIS IS SOME AWESOME SHIZ!"?

Any references to the new series of Doctor Who are purely intentional ;)

**Excalibur, the sword that wasn't in the stone...**

**I – We're in a crypt. A creepy crypt**

And guess who is back... Yup, it's Nimueh, the mistress of creepy. And apparently she is a tomb raider now...

Nimueh and her dreadlocks do _teh magics_ over one of the tombs, with the spell containing the words "Uther Pendragon" spoken menacingly. Seems Nimueh has got bored of trying to kill Merlin as revenge for killing her clay baby and has turned her attention to King Giles instead.

A hand breaks through the tomb, zombie-stylee. Nimueh ish très pleased.

Opening Cre... hang on a minute, nope, no opening credits yet. Actually some kind of ceremony is taking place with Arthur kneeling in front of Uther and wearing a flappy cloak and chainmail, because he is awesome like that.

**UTHER** Do you solemnly sweat that you are up to no good... I mean, that you are ready to be a prince?

**ARTHUR** Hell yes

**UTHER** Awesome shizzle. You are now crown prince of Camelot

**PEEPS OF CAMELOT** *polite applause*

**MERLIN** *adorable proud smile*

Merlin is very proud of Arthur's royal socks... And Arthur's royal other things too, I shouldn't wonder. Like the royal arse he saves from monsters and shiz every other day

And that's when zombie!knight crashes the party through a window. On a horse. And I'm pretty sure horses aren't allowed in the main hall of Camelot. The knight trots scarily up to Uther and the knights of Camelot and throws it's gauntlet at them. Arthur goes to pick it up but... Nuh uh, Sir Owain's got there first and accepts zombie!knight's challenge.

**ZOMBIE!KNIGHT** Braaaaaaaaaaaaaains... I mean, single combat. Noon tomorrow. To the death

Glad to see he got to the point quickly

Damn Sir Owain looks far too young to be a knight, like Chekov in the _Star Trek_ movie... He also now looks scared. Poor Sir Chekov

Uther sheaths his sword v. dramatically and then we have...

**Opening Credits. Properly this time**

**II – Gaius and Merlin are discussing what's what**

**MERLIN** So, what's going on?

**GAIUS **Not a clue

**MERLIN** Did you see his crest, which house he's in? Could be Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin...

**GAIUS** What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

Merlin does not think Gaius is being très helpful. Gaius thinks Merlin's trust in his all-seeing knowledge is both touching and misplaced and sends Merlin off to bed. But not before being not-so-reassuring about Sir Chekov's chances against the Zombie!Knight.

Arthur and Morgana are not v. happy either, but I don't see how complaining at each other is going to help. Gwen hangs around in the background looking nervous and like she shouldn't really be there. Arthur pronounces Owain's name "O-wine". Oddly.

**III – Hey, its Geoffrey the Librarian guy! Hi there Geoff!**

He's v. relived that Gaius has come to see him. Apparently zombie!knight is called Tristan De Bois... Isn't bois the French verb for "to drink" or something. Just getting that out now so any later jokes can be understood... And yes, my French grammar is terrible; please don't call me out on that.

GAH! OMINOUS UTHER!

Gaius tells Uther that zombie!knight is The Stig... I mean, Tristan de Bois and that he should be dead. Sceptical!Uther is sceptical, after all, Uther killed Tristan himself.

**IV – and yet Tristan de Bois seems fine and dandy, hanging around staring at Camelot ("it's only a model." "Ssh!")**

Arthur is giving Sir Chekov a pre-match talk whilst Merlin gets all his armour together and hangs around in the background looking nervous and like he shouldn't really be there. Sir Chekov seems a bit over-confident in my humble opinion but... meh.

**ARTHUR** I've watched you fight and I know no one braver

**OTHER KNIGHTS** Gee, thanks Arthur

**ARTHUR** Remember, all it takes to kill a man is one well-aimed blow

**MERLIN** *suggestive eyebrows at Arthur*

Luckily Gwen turns up before the subtext innuendo can get too out of hand. Gwen's brought a token of luck from Morgana to Owain. Owain doesn't think he needs luck. V. over-confident then.

**V – Time for a duel, ominous drumming all around**

**ARTHUR** In one corner- our very own chainmail-hoodied, slightly over-confident, reminiscent of Pavel Chekov knight of the rectangular table: Sir Owain! In the other corner- some say his legs are hydraulic and that he doesn't like getting his helmet wet: Tristan the drink... I mean, de Bois!

I really think Owain's flappy cloak is going to seriously get in his way... Oh no, someone just took it off him. What was the point of having it in the first place?

**ARTHUR **Lets get ready to frikkin' rumble.

And thus there is a sword fight. A v. violent sword fight. Man, I am crap at describing sword fights. Tristan is winning. Gwen pronounces Owain's name "O-wan." Uther looks like he's enjoying this way too much. Arthur throws in his "one well-aimed blow" advice. Arthur, I really don't think this is the right moment.

Then Owain stabs his sword right into Tristan's chest. Merlin is happy. But Tristan is a zombie and thus isn't gonna die as easily as that.

**OWAIN** But you're undead! That just isn't fair!

Tristan overpowers Owain, kicks him to the ground and stabs him. Of course, we do not see it properly, just Tristan raising his sword and stabbing it down. Morgana and Gwen gasp in horror. There's a dramatic, symbolic and poignant shot of a red scrap of Owain's tunic on the sandy ground, accompanied by rushing wind. Yup, he's dead, Arthur.

Tristan throws down the gauntlet again. Uther doesn't let Arthur leapfrog the barrier between the seats and the sandpit-of-death and take the challenge, so some other bloke does instead.

**BLOKE** I, Sir Pellinore, take up the challenge

Thanks for telling us your name in the process.

Merlin tells Gaius that Tristan took a hit. Gaius isn't sure...

**MERLIN** He should be dead

**GAIUS **(_ominously_) Perhaps he already is

**VI – Arthur really isn't happy**

Arthur vs. Uther shouting matches. W00t. Uther says he isn't to blame for Pellinore taking the gauntlet. Arthur pulls angry!faces. Meanwhiles, Merlin and Gaius take a jaunt down some stairs, but not to see Sparky-face, nuh uh. They're off to some tombs. Lovely. The lights go out, v. dramatically. Scary much. Watch out for Weeping Angels.

Oh, Merlin just lit a torch by magic. Handy.

They find a grave, and it looks like someone's broken out

Now we shall have backstory. Tristan de Bois is Arthur's uncle (his mother's brother) who got fed up with Uther when Igraine died in childbirth (because for some reason that was Uther's fault) and challenged him. Uther won and killed Tristan. Tristan cursed Camelot, something about one day suffering his return. All v. typical. Looks like Nimueh pays attention to these curses.

So the thing that they think is Tristan is a Wraith, a dead spirit brought back to life that can't be killed... Ah, that's bad for Sir Pellinore

**VIII – Very bad for Sir Pellinore. Ooo, new camera angles! Shiny!**

Okay, I've stopped being distracted by camera angles... Pellinore manages to stab Tristan in the chest (again)

**TRISTAN **Just a flesh wound. Come on ya pansy!

Yup, it was inevitable.

Sorry.

Annnnnd Pellinore's dead too.

Arthur throws down his gauntlet and challenges Tristan.

**IX – Uther is very not happy**

But Uther's just worried for poor Arthur's life. Arthur, however, thinks Uther thinks he's not good enough and refuses to listen to him. *sigh*

Worried!Merlin is worried. Very worried. You can tell because he is speaking very fast. And he says that if no mortal sword will kill it then he will. Using _teh magics_.

**X – Tristan still standing in courtyard, staring into space**

Gaius goes to visit Uther. Uther, for some reason, is lurking behind a pillar. Not strange at all, that *shifty eyes*

**GAIUS** Tristan's tomb is empty. I believe he has been conjured from the dead

**UTHER** How is this possible?

**GAIUS **Well, I did say "conjured" that might be a clue

Anyways, apparently it was magic that killed Igraine. Even so, Gaius doesn't think Arthur should be allowed to fight because no weapon forged by man can kill it. Gaius tells Uther he has to tell Arthur about what happened to Igraine. Ooo, the plot thickens Only Uther and Gaius can ever know the secret of Arthur's birth, or so Uther believes. Then again, Uther's hiding behind pillars today for no apparent reason so, meh. Sceptical!Gaius is sceptical. Intense!Uther is intense. Gaius finally leaves as he cannot withstand the onslaught of intense-ness, but not before majorly eyebrowing Uther. Ha.

**XI – Wow, I can recognise Merlin just by his silhouette... please tell me I'm not the only one**

Merlin casts _teh magics_ to try and set Tristan on fire. V. subtle Merlin, v. subtle indeed. It doesn't work anyway, but it looks dramatic. Poor Merlin looks shocked.

**TRISTAN ***looks at Merlin scarily*

**MERLIN **Teh crap! *runs off*

He runs straight to see Arthur, who is busy practising some moves with his sword... No, not like _that_, this is a family show.

**ARTHUR** Merlin, you know that conversation we had about knocking?

Well, at least someone tried to get Merlin to knock. Now there's a conversation I'd like to see. Probably happened after Merlin ran in to see Arthur busy practising moves with his sword...

**MERLIN **You can't fight. He'll kill you

**ARTHUR** Why does everybody think that?

I love the tone of voice Bradley James uses when he says that line. So over-confident.

**ARTHUR** I'm not a coward

**MERLIN** I know that. I've stood there and watched you overcome every fear you've ever faced

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Merlin tries to warn Arthur by pointing out that all Tristan does is stand in the courtyard and wait. Arthur is not interested. Merlin finally snaps.

**MERLIN** I'm trying to warn you Arthur!

**ARTHUR** *raising sword to Merlin's throat* And I'm trying to warn _you_ Merlin!

Woah. That was scary. But Merlin just shakes his head and leaves. Poor Merlin

**XII – Back to Uther in the throne room with some wine**

And all the candles go out. Gah! Watch out for Weeping Angels Uther!

Uther turns around and _there's someone behind him_! DON'T BLINK UTH- oh, it's Nimueh.

**NIMUEH** Hello sweetie

And they know each other... Which begs the question of why didn't Uther recognise Nimueh in episode 4? I mean, she was only wearing a hat...

Nimueh brags that Uther will have sent Arthur to his death. They then have an argument about how Nimueh was once Igraine and Uther's friend until Uther started having sorcerers and that killed. Oh, and it was Nimueh's magic that meant Igraine could have a child

**NIMUEH **She had to die. To create a life another life must be taken. It's like the circle of life!

Uther angsts about his wife dying and Nimueh asks if he wishes he didn't have a son. Then she goes all smug because after tomorrow Uther won't have a son any more.

**NIMUEH** Revenge. Yay!

**UTHER ***blinks*

**NIMUEH** *is gone*

GAH!

**XIII – Merlin's in the library**

**GEOFFREY** Hi there

**MERLIN **HOLY SCARF! ... I mean, I was looking for a book that'll tell me how to kill the black knight

**GEOFF** Well, several books speak of ancient swords

**MERLIN** Really? Please tell me

**GEOFF** Okay then

Oh, and a sword that has been breathed on by a dragon will do the trick, this can only mean one thing...

TIME TO SEE A GWEN!

Wait... what?

**GWEN** What? I'm actually going to get some lines now, after what, three episodes doing nothing?

**MERLIN** I'm not sure how to ask this?

**GWEN/MERLIN SHIPPERS** *on the edge of their seats*

**GWEN** Ask, Merlin. You know I'd grant you anything?

**GWEN/MERLIN SHIPPERS** *almost fall off seats collectively squeeing*

**MERLIN** Anything? Erm, right...

**GWEN **Well, not _anything_... Obviously not _anything_

Want a bigger spade Gwen?

**MERLIN** Erm, can I have a sword? The strongest sword your father's ever made?

**GWEN/MERLIN SHIPPERS** *yet another groan of frustration*

**GWEN **What for?

**MERLIN **To save Arthur

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** *happy dance*

**XIV – Morgana's come to visit Arthur**

**MORGANA **I don't want you to fight tomorrow

**ARTHUR** Meh. Don't worry about me

**MORGANA** But I don't want you to DIE!

**ARTHUR** I have to do this. It's my duty

**MORGANA** I understand

So... she just gives up?

That makes no sense so let's go back to Gaius and... Uther?

Uther angsts to Gaius about the whole "Arthur's birth" situation then decides he is going to take Arthur's place. Uther then says he has one other favour to ask...

And we're back to Gwen and Merlin. And a sword. And apparently Gwen's father would kill her if he knew she'd taken it

**MERLIN **He'll understand. It's to save Arthur

**GWEN** I knew you were proud of him really

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** *melt*

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS FAN CLUB** Hey! We're back! Hi readers! *clink coffee cups* _Destiny_!

**MERLIN** Bye then!

**GWEN** But Merlin! Didn't you just hear a load of voices say "destiny"?

**MERLIN** Nope. OFF TO SEE A SLASH DRAGON!

Down in the cave of the slash dragon Merlin is forced to explain what's going on to Sparky for once. I bet Sparky knows anyway, he just enjoys taunting Merlin. Merlin makes the sword float into the air and in front of Sparky's face.

**SPARKY **Can you let the wraith kill Uther first kplzthx

**MERLIN** You've really got it in for Uther haven't you?

**SPARKY **No shit, Sherlock

**MERLIN **But I don't want Arthur to DIE!

**SPARKY** Suit yourself. But only Arthur can wield this sword because in the wrong hands it could do great evil. Promise that only Arthur will wield it.

**MERLIN **I promise

So Sparky breaths fire over the sword and it is _awesome_.

**SWORD** *goes shiny and has magical writing*

**SPARKY **Heed my words. The sword was forged for Arthur and for him alone

**XV – and cut to Uther, looking out the window in a nervous kind of way**

Arthur is also still staring out the window. Hey, someone's knocking. Can't be Merlin then. Nope, its Gaius, who has brought something that might help Arthur sleep. What could it be? A whack on the head? Merlin? Nope, its a potion of some kind. Arthur drinks it and doesn't seem to enjoy it.

**GAIUS **Why don't you sit down?

**ARTHUR ***does so* Hmm, the after-effect is remarkable

Arthur's getting tipsy. Lol.

**ARTHUR** *passes out*

GAIUS *locks Arthur in his room and has a _slightly_ evil smile*

So... Yeah

**XVI – Morning. Uther is still brooding, Tristan is still standing**

Merlin is still entranced by the sword. Oh look here comes Uther and he wants Merlin to prepare him for battle, sword and all

**MERLIN** It's for Arthur

**UTHER **I'm taking his place

Merlin looks a bit nervous and tries to stop Uther from taking Arthur's sword. But nope, Uther's made up his mind because this sword is perfect.

**UTHER **You've shown almost extrondinary loyalty

**MERLIN** It is my job, sire

**UTHER** Beyond the line of duty

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS FAN CLUB** _Destiny _*clink cups*

**UTHER** ...

**MERLIN** Well, you could say there is a bond between us...

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS FAN CLUB** Oh hell yes. Two sides of the same freaking coin

**UTHER** ... I'm glad. Look after him

UTHER SHIPS MERLIN/ARTHUR! Sort of... Anyway, he's off to battle Tristan the drink now so good luck to him. One problem, he's got that sword. Sparky is not going to be pleased.

**XVII – Time for teh battle and everyone is shocked that its Uther, not Arthur**

Arthur's still asleep and has rolled onto his front

Uther puts his helmet on. The backing music is telling us that this is going to be _epic_.

Oh and it is _epic as HECK_!

Tristan, once again, starts the battle off and seems to be winning. Uther must be a little out of practice.

Oh, Arthur's woken up. He hears swords clashing, runs to the window and sees Uther fighting Tristan. Uther is now starting to fight back properly. Meanwhile Arthur runs to the door but it is locked.

I really don't think twirling the swords around like that is necessary, but hell it looks awesome. Arthur rattles the door like that might knock it open. It doesn't. A few more violent sword-swings later and Uther suddenly manages to knock Tristan's helmet off revealing... a horrible roaring zombie face. Lovely. Gwen's mouth drops open. The fight continues... Hey, Nimueh's watching and this time she is wearing a purple flappy cloak with the hood up. We still know its Nimueh though.=, because she is watching intensely and evilly.

Oh my Camelot! Tristan has knocked Uther to the ground and Uther's lost his sword! Tristan batters down on Uther's shield. Nimueh smiles v. evilly. And then... Tristan's sword gets stuck in Uther's shield. Uther kicks the shield away with Tristan still holding onto the shield, grabs his sword while Tristan is distracted trying to remove his own sword from Uther's shield... And Uther runs Tristan through! Tristan roars, fails, bursts into flames and explodes. Cloth rains down on Uther

**NIMUEH **Curses!

**GAIUS** *major shocked face*

**GWEN AND MORGANA** *wtfridge faces*

**NIMUEH ***leaves whilst glaring*

Uther gets up and removes his helmet. The people cheer. Merlin watches in horror as the sword falls to the ground

**XVIII – Hey, Anthony Head's taken his shirt off!**

Uther and Gaius comment on how remarkable it is that Tristan was killed when apparently it was impossible and about the awesomeness of the new sword. Gaius translates _teh magic_ words. One side says "take me up" and the other says "cast me away". There ye go then. Anthony Head put his shirt back on.

Arthur turns up and he ish not amused. Gaius gets teh heck outta there!

Uther and Arthur rant at each other until Uther admits that Arthur is v. precious to him and he fought the knight to protect him. They get all chummy again and Arthur subtley insults Uther's footwork, so Uther chases and kicks him and has a little giggle.

Back in Gaius and Merlin's room, they are eating dinner. After a lot of awkward silence Gaius starts questioning Merlin about the sword.

**GAIUS** Did you enchant it?

**MERLIN** No

**GAIUS **Who did then?

**MERLIN** Oh thanks, accusing much?

But Gaius is just happy that Merlin saved Uther and Arthur's lives.

**IXX – Sparky's yelling "Merlin" in Merlin's head whilst he's trying to sleep again**

**MERLIN **Woah, episode one flashbacks!

He goes down to see Sparky again.

**MERLIN** Good news, the sword worked

**SPARKY** ... Yes

**MERLIN** Erm... Things didn't quite go according to plan. Arthur didn't use the sword... it was Uther

Probably not a great thing to admit because Sparky starts yelling in anger. He thinks Merlin has betrayed him and tells him to take the sword somewhere no mortal man can find it. Then he flies away.

So Merlin takes the sword and looks at it for a while in the light and it is all v. pretty. Then he goes down to a lake with a lovely (fake) backdrop of lovely (fake) snowy mountains. Then he unwraps the sword, which he was carrying in his scarf (oh, I am so observant) and he throws it into the lake. And so ends today's episode.

**NEXT TIME The Sherriff of Nottingham (okay, he isn't, but he looks a bit like him) in a Viking helmet with fur has been attacking Merlin's village so Merlin goes back to help his mum... and his friend Chris from Skins **

**See Katie, I said he was Chris from Skins. I could have called him "bloke who was in that episode of Doctor Who" but I called him Chris from Skins. Happy now? **


	10. The One with the Subtext Beyond Reason

Study leave = more time to write more amusing reviews. Ah, the things I do for you people...

**The Moment of Truth (what an obscure episode title)**

**I – Hey this isn't Camelot!**

It's a quaint little village with birds tweeting in the background. Dammit, if I fall asleep and get flirted at by a Dream Lord I'm outta here!

Hmm, all this thatched cottage-ing and people walking around dressed all medievally is reminding me of one of those open air museums/re-enactment things. I like them. They are fun. Some of my friends do that as a hobby. Anyway, I'm rambling...

Oh dear, quaint little village hasn't stayed quaint for long. The cavalry has just turned up. And by cavalry I mean a load of brutes riding horses and swinging swords at the village people whilst laughing and growling in a brutish sort of way. With occasional slo-mo. They are being led by a beardy man who looks a bit like the Sherriff of Nottingham but isn't. He wants to find some bloke and I don't think it's to tell him he's won the lottery. The camera focusing on a woman- some of us might recognise her from episode one as Merlin's mother- tells us she's probably going to be important.

The unlucky bloke is dragged out of a house and thrown to the ground, spilling a load of apples and carrots and stuff all over the ground. What a waste of good fruit and veg.

**BEARDY MAN** Its harvest time!

Wow, he clearly thinks he's funny. He also wants to know where "the rest of it" is. Presumably he means food but he is being extremely vague.

**FARMER **I only kept back what we need to survive! What about our five-a-day?

**BEARDY MAN** Screw you and your five-a-day. When I come back in a week I want all of it, you got it, sucka?

Merlin's mother (Hunith) isn't happy about this and decides to make a snatch and grab attempt at the food Beardy Man has stolen, only to get knocked to the ground. The one man who tries to do something about this gets dramatically cross-bowed by Beardy Man. There are several shots of the villagers looking scared and... Hey, what's Chris from _Skins_ doing here?

Beardy Man and his cronies (who are totally gangsta, innit) ride away, but not before he makes an un-subtle slimy advance at Hunith. We are now completely convinced that this bloke is a slimy git. Chris from _Skins_ doesn't look too pleased either.

Oh look, Camelot. WHAT IS IT WITH THESE REALLY LONG PRE-CREDITS SEQUENCES?

Hunith is in Camelot. So is Merlin. They notice each other and have an adorable hug. Either Colin Morgan is pretty tall or the actress playing Hunith (can't be bothered to look up her name) is pretty short. That's when Merlin notices her black eye, which is a lot more exaggerated than earlier on.

Concerned/angry!Merlin is concerned/angry.

**Opening Credits. Why they could have been a minute earlier is beyond me**

**II – Camelot great hall**

Hunith is pleading her case, playing the "starving children" card. Uther is doing the slouch of kingliness in his throne whilst listening to her. Morgana and Gwen are concerned. Oh, and the beardy bloke's name is Kanan, thanks for that. Hunith's black eye looks really... blue.

**HUNITH** Help us Uther Pendragon, you're our only hope

**UTHER** Sorry, no can do. Ealdor isn't in my kingdom it's in some other blokes so I don't know why you came here.

**HUNITH **Our King is a jerkass who doesn't care about us

Hey, she actually used the "our only hope" line. I slipped in a joke too early. Oh well.

**UTHER** I can't actually do anything in case somebody thinks we are trying to invade that other kingdom so sorry. Is sympathy enough?

**HUNITH ***leaves*

Sympathy isn't enough then

**III – Arthur's once again proving that he's a lot nicer than Uther is**

**ARTHUR** Sorry Merlin. We'd already be kicking those bandit's arses if I were King

Merlin's decided now is the time to drop a bombshell. He's going back to Ealdor. Arthur doesn't seem too surprised. Nice slow music plays in the background as Merlin and Arthur have a little heart-to-heart, because Merlin isn't sure he'll be coming back

**ARTHUR **Well, you've been terrible (trans: I love you muchly, please don't die or anything). No really, the worst servant I've ever had (trans: If you don't come back I will personally find you and drag you back by your ears, understood?)

**MERLIN** Thank you, sire

Merlin is fluent in Arthur-speak

**ARTHUR** Merlin... Good luck

Words cannot express my levels of "aww"

**IV – Merlin is packing and Gwen is helping.**

Gwen has her hair down today, I notice. It looks nice. Oh, and she's got a sword for Merlin

**MERLIN** Thank you, that's really good it's very... erm... swordy

**GWEN **Oooooo...kay.

Gwen is officially weirded out so she changes the subject. Oh, she's packed armour too. I wonder what else she's packed

**MORGANA** Hi there

Yup, the girls are coming too. Nice. And Morgana's all dressed for the occasion. After some call backs to episodes three and eight, Morgana and Gwen have decided they owe it to Merlin to help him out for a change.

**GWEN **Also, Morgana did nothing last episode and I haven't done anything for about three episodes so it's only fair.

Gaius isn't coming, but he is acting like my mother when I go on holiday (have you got the food I prepared for you? Have you packed your toothbrush? Make sure you've got spare socks, etc, etc.)

**MERLIN** For the last time, yes!

Gaius isn't so sure, especially when it comes to Merlin's ability to hold his alcohol.

**GAIUS **One whiff of a barmaid's apron and you're singing like a sailor.

Now that I would pay to see

Merlin and Gaius have a lovely hug and then they are off into the woods (no singing necessary but if you really want to...)

**V – Hunith and Merlin have a little chat by the fire at night**

Hunith isn't exactly optimistic about their chances. Merlin is more concerned with making Kanan pay for hurting his mother. Hunith warns him that no one can learn about his magic, as if Merlin hasn't had enough of Gaius going on about that. Hunith goes off to sleep and Merlin whiles away the time by making little dragons out of sparks and _teh magics_.

A little bit later it seems Merlin can't sleep so he goes off into the woods (still no singing necessary) to check things out, taking his swordy sword with him, just in case. There are copious amounts of fog in the woods. No idea why. Merlin gets scared, the dramatic music swells and suddenly a sword is pointed at Merlin's back. Merlin panics and swings round, almost chopping Arthur's head off in the process.

**ARTHUR** Put the sword down Merlin, you look ridiculous

Tee hee

Now it's Arthur's turn to chat to Merlin by the fire. Concerned!Arthur thinks Merlin should get some rest. He isn't being exactly optimistic about the whole situation either. But Merlin's thankful he turned up to help, so that's alright.

**VI – It's the morning, and Arthur's hair is very bouncy**

Merlin's isn't. They ride past some random monk bloke. Arthur's hair goes "Bounce, bounce, bounce."

And the bandits in Ealdor go "snatch, grab, smash. Innit." And some chickens fly about. It's general chaos and Kanan is not impressed.

**BANDIT** Kanan! I found a stash of food and shit, blud!

A random villager runs past in the background of a très serious scene going "Stay there, stay there." Yup, observation brings interesting rewards. Kanan and the farmer bloke from earlier ignore this, however, because hiding food from Kanan is srs bsns. Kanan kicks the farmer to the ground and is about to do away with him via two-bladed axe (because Kanan is _that _awesome, blud) when a well aimed sword... Well, it doesn't hit Kanan but it does hit a post next to him, providing enough of a distraction to prevent any innocent farmers from being axed to death.

**ARTHUR** *rides in to save the day*

**ARTHUR'S HAIR** *bounce, bounce, bounce*

The bandits run in to try and do away with Arthur and co, a particularly brutish one going after Merlin whilst Gwen takes off her impractical flappy cloak to follow Morgana into battle. Thuggish bandit pins Merlin against the wall. Looks like a time for _teh magics_!

**MERLIN** *casts _teh magics_... making a slightly scary face. Sheesh, Colin Morgan, you can do damned scary things with your face... The gold magic eyes do help though*

**BANDIT** Argh! Me sword! Ow! *drops sword and runs*

**INTERESTED!CHRIS FROM**_** SKINS**_ *is interested*

Meanwhile Morgana saves Merlin from another bandit and finds time to make quips with him about when _she_ used to beat him at duels. Arthur insists that never happened, which of course means it totally did happen.

Kanan is not happy, swearing that they will all pay for this with their lives before riding away. Chris from _Skins_ watches them go then looks at Merlin.

**CHRIS FROM **_**SKINS**_ Still up to your old magic tricks? I thought I told you we didn't want your kind round here.

There is unresolved sexual tension for several seconds before they both grin all over their faces and hug each other. Oh, and now I can start referring to Chris from _Skins_ as Bloke-from-that-episode-of-_Doctor Who_ *cough* I mean, Will.

Merlin is quick to quell rumours that he is Arthur's skivvy but good-timing-Arthur *cough cough* is quick to start bossing him around. Except that the resulting conversation makes them sound more like an old married couple. Will seems to have noticed this too, judging by his not-too-pleased expression. Definitely the old boyfriend.

Arthur stands on a well to give an epic speech about being ready for Kanan when he returns. Will is not impressed and tries to out show-off Arthur. Yup, he is definitely the ex. Hunith isn't pleased, as are the rest of the village so Will goes off in a strop, followed by Merlin. Meanwhile Hunith and the villagers decide that if they want to die, they'll go out fighting. Yay.

**VIII – Unresolved Sexual Tension ftw**

Merlin attempts to bring Will round to liking Arthur by explaining how he thought the prince was an arrogant prat to start with but now he loves him muchly. Will isn't buying it, preferring to dust a medieval mannequin instead. Colin Morgan looks really pale but that might just be my computer quality.

**MERLIN **Will, don't bring what happened to your father into this

Aha, backstory. So from this we now know that the armour on the mannequin probably belonged to Will's father and he died and it had something to do with kings and knights which is why Will hates them so much.

Merlin insists that Arthur is his friend and he trusts him with his life, which prompts Will to drop a bombshell.

**WILL** So he knows your secret then?

**MERLIN** ...

**WILL** Face it, you're living a lie. You're Arthur's servant, nothing more. Otherwise you'd tell him the truth

And without the magic context everyone knows exactly what this conversation sounds like. DAMN YOU SUBTEXT! DAMN YOOOOOOOU!

**IX – Someone decided it was intelligent to put Merlin and Arthur sleeping next to each other. Yay!**

ARTHUR So, did you always sleep on the floor?

MERLIN Yup

ARTHUR Must have been hard

MERLIN Yup, it's like rock

ARTHUR I didn't mean the ground

I don't know whether to snigger or melt. Merlin has a nice time describing his simple life in Ealdor. Arthur doesn't like the idea.

**ARTHUR** Why'd you leave?

**MERLIN** Things just... changed

**ARTHUR** How?

**MERLIN** ...

**BRADLEY JAMES** *shoves his foot in Colin Morgan's face*

And any self respecting Merlin fan will know that the foot was spontaneous and Bradley James is a genius. Thank you.

Merlin is vague with his answer, saying that he didn't fit in anymore. Once again Arthur is not impressed. It's all very sweet. Merlin blows out the candle and...

**X – Good Morning Ealdor (it doesn't really have the same ring as Camelot, to be honest)**

Morgana chides Arthur for not being able to put on his own armour (Merlin's doing it for him, of course) and Arthur is not a fan of Hunith's cooking so he shoves it at Gwen. Unimpressed!Gwen is unimpressed. After that the three of them bugger off, leaving Merlin with Hunith just in time for (another) heart to heart.

**HUNITH **He must care for you a great deal

**MERLIN** I'm sure he'd do the same for any village

**HUNITH** It's more than that. He's here for you

AND AGAIN WITH THE SUBTEXT!

**HUNITH **Give him credit, he likes you

If my head explodes...

Merlin has decided that Arthur only like him because "he doesn't know me, and if he did I'd be dead by now." Hunith isn't so sure. She so ships them

**HUNITH **You bet *clinks coffee mugs with Gaius and Sparky*_ Destiny_

Colin Morgan makes the most adorable faces.

Will's confronting him again, this time in some woods.

**WILL** Merlin! Where are you going with that thing? (it's an axe, btw)

**MERLIN **To secretly murder people. To chop wood, what do you think?

They have a nice little giggle over some incident where Merlin apparently used _teh magics_ and accidentally almost flattened someone with a tree. Then there is more silence and unresolved sexual tension.

**MERLIN** Why are you being like this?

**WILL** You know why

Because you don't like Merlin's new boyfriend? Or because you don't like that Merlin has got a new boyfriend? Following this is another "why did you leave" conversation which, without the context of magic, could be about something totally different. As in: "Mother was worried, she found out you knew and she was so angry." Merlin finally gets sick of Will's badgering and tells him about his _destiny_ to protect Arthur. Unfortunately this does not change Will's mind and actually just makes him angrier. So much for that conversation.

**XI – did somebody call for a training montage?**

Yeah. Arthur trains the villagers how to fight with wooden poles. There is a montage. Merlin wonders around carryng piles of wood. Will hangs around watching and looking generally emo. Gwen and Morgana watch whilst sharpening swords, being pessimistic and upholding feminism.

**GWEN **Men aren't the only ones who can fight

**MORGANA** *smiles adorably at her*

Arthur also takes it upon himself to organise sentry duty. Training montage over, Morgana and Gwen turn up to be pessimistic about their chances and argue that the women can fight too.

ARTHUR It's too dangerous *leaves*

Morgana and Gwen exchange annoyed looks but do nothing more about it. Morgana, whatever happened to your badass making-Arthur-agree-with-you shtick?

Later that night Morgana and Gwen (who appear to be sleeping in the same bed, make of that what you will) discuss Arthur being an idiot whilst Merlin listens in

GWEN Why do you think Arthur's here?

MORGANA Same reason we are. Merlin. Arthur may act like he doesn't care but he wouldn't be here if he didn't.

More aww.

**XII – Next morning, another pep talk from Arthur**

**ARTHUR** We need to have a plan to help us defeat Kanan

**VILLAGERS** *blank looks*

**SOMEONE OUTSIDE** *shriek*

They all run outside to see what the shrieking is about. Oh damn, the poor farmer guy who Arthur sent out on sentry duty has been killed with your typical note-attached-to-arrow-in-the-back

**NOTE** Have a nice last day. Ha ha. 'Pwned.

**WILL **This is all Arthur's fault!

**MERLIN **Wtfridge, Will?

**WILL **You're all going to DIE!

**BRADLEY JAMES** *angry face of doom*

Will runs off to his house to start packing. Merlin follows him

**WILL** Don't bother Merlin, I'm not interested and I'm leaving so I don't get killed and nothing you have to say will stop me

**MERLIN** But...

**WILL** If you used your magic then no one else would have to die

**MERLIN** But...

**WILL **Coward

Will leaves so Merlin goes to find Arthur, who is sharpening his sword (Mind. Out. Of. The. Gutter.) Merlin decides to tell Arthur (and us) about the important backstory. Will's father was a knight who was killed so Will doesn't like Kings and knights which is why he is acting like such an arse. Meh, but the villagers are used to ignoring him. Merlin is being optimistic. Arthur; however appears to have deflated like a balloon of pessimism. Luckily Merlin is there to talk him into optimism again.

And thus there is another pep talk by a fire.

**ARTHUR** Tonight the women and children should gather all their belongings and go hide in the woods

**GWEN** Erm, how about no

**GANG OF WOMEN** *stand behind Gwen looking badass* Grr

**ARTHUR **Teh heck?

**WILL ***lurks in shadows looking emo*

**ARTHUR** But none of the women know how to fight

**MORGANA** *cough*

**WOMEN** Grr

**MORGANA'S FACE** Bite me, bitch

**ARTHUR** Oh alright! Anyway, now its time for my awesome speech which will make you all fight awesomely through its awesome motivational power

**MERLIN** You could have just used a motivational poster or something

**ARTHUR** Shut up Merlin. Now where was I? Oh yeah- FOR EALDOR!

**VILLAGERS** EALDOR! EALDOR!

Hooray for heart-warming clichés

**WILL **You're all gonna die, suckers *glares*

**XIII –Merlin and Hunith have **_**another**_** heart-to-heart by a fire**

**HUNITH **Come here

**MERLIN** Yeah, I'm not six, you know *sits down next to Hunith*

**HUNITH ***strokes Merlin's face* I do love you, my boy

**MERLIN** O-kay, this is creepy so... What's wrong?

**HUNITH **Don't think I don't know that you're planning to use your magic in front of Arthur to defeat Kanan, therefore risking your life

**MERLIN** Erm, whatever gave you that idea?

**HUNITH ***hard stare*

**MERLIN** Look, maybe it's meant to be this way and if Arthur doesn't accept me for who I really am then he isn't the friend I thought he was

If this subtext carries on the brains of several thousand fangirls will melt and dribble out of their ears in a gooey mess.

**XIV – Morning. Birds tweeting. Yup, a good day for a battle**

**GWEN **Arthur, let me offer you this peasant food so I have a chance to be angry at you for not understanding a peasant's hard way of life

**ARTHUR** Erm... Thanks

**GWEN** Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that

Gwen. If that hole you are digging gets any deeper you will be in Australia.

**ARTHUR **Guine_vere_

**GWEN** You know, that doesn't sound half as good as when you say _Mer_lin *cough* Carry on.

**ARTHUR** You're right and you were right to speak up about fighting *grumble*weneedallthehelpwecanget*grumble*

**GWEN **Erm, yeah. Will you stop being so pessimistic it's driving everyone crazy

**ARTHUR **Sorry. Thanks

But Arthur's gotta go put on some armour now, and for once he's not relying on Merlin to do it all for him, nope, he's more concerned that Merlin's got his armour all ready to because he doesn't want Merlin to DIE. There are dramatic shots of armour being put on, after which they have swapped positions for some reason. Merlin's having trouble with his wrist-guards, so Arthur gives him a hand. Aww, see, they really do love each other.

**ARTHUR** You ready?

**MERLIN **Throat's dry...

**ARTHUR** Me too. *shakes Merlin's hand for some reason* It's been an honour

**MERLIN **You say that as if you're sure you are going to die. Stop being such a bloody pessimist for Camelot's sake. Anyway, I have to be cryptic now so, whatever happens out there today please don't think any differently of me

**ARTHUR **Yup, that was pretty damn cryptic. Anyway, I won't, I mean, it's alright to be scared

**MERLIN** *inner facepalm* That's not what I meant

**ARTHUR **Well what is it? If you've got something to say then say it...

The music swells, Merlin looks nervous, Arthur looks expectant, we are all waiting for that eponymous moment of truth and...

MORGANA Arthur

Morgana Le Fay, Ladies and Gentlemen, professional moment-killer.

Arthur leaves with her and Merlin looks even more worried

**XV – For Ealdor, or so say the line of men armed with... rakes? **

**ARTHUR** *shakes Gwen's hand* Are you fightened?

**GWEN** Not in the slightest.

Liar.

They all run round to different places, ah, I see, they've set up an ambush. Arthur and Merlin stare out through a fence aaaaaand...

**KANAN AND BANDITS** *emerge from forest going "ARRR!"*

They kick down the gates and ride into the village, which appears to be deserted but that's because all the peasants are hiding and they're not planning on springing out yet. Kanan is wearing a funny helmet with fur and a spike on it.

**KANAN **Teh heck? There's nobody here! Maybe some creepy nursery rhymes will lure them out *cough* Ahem. *sing songs* Come out, come out, wherever you are...

Thanks Mr Creepyface.

And thats when Gwen pulls a string and a giant fence appears in front of the bandits and scares their horses. But wait! Morgana is supposed to be setting it on fire but appears to be having trouble making a spark. Luckily Merlin is there to save teh day!

**ARTHUR** *whisper-shouts* _Merlin_! *makes angry face with teeth*

**KANAN ***spots Merlin running* There's one! Get him!

That was unintentionally kind of comedic...

**MERLIN** *slo-mo dodges arrows dramatically and finds Morgana* Give me the flints!

**MORGANA ***hides behind Merlin*

**MERLIN ***casts teh magics*

**FLAMES** *are firey*

If Morgana didn't notice that then her eyesight and hearing are worse than we thought. Luckily there isn't exactly time to point that out because the battle has begun! The bandits are trapped by the firey fence

BANDITS Run awaaaaaay!

ARTHUR NOW!

The battle begins and is as violent as you can get without actually showing blood on primetime Saturday night television. Morgana seems to be enjoying herself a little too much. Gwen, for reasons best left unknown, appears to be fighting with one of those paddles that they cook pizza on in fancy restaurants, so... yeah. A woman dressed as a pirate 'pwns a bandit who was about to kill some villager. Morgana is still enjoying herself and showing lots of teeth. Gwen is kicking some bandit ass with that pizza paddle. And Merlin? He's just sort of standing in the middle of it all looking around. Which gives one bandit the opportunity to sneak up behind him...

**BIG DAMN WILL** *karate leaps the bandit off his horse, dressed in his father's armour. No way thats symbolic, no siree (innocent whistle)*

**MERLIN** I didn't think you were coming!

**WILL** Really? You didn't see this plot twist coming from a mile off? Shame on you! *grin*

Will and Merlin then proceed to be badass fighters and kill people whilst back to back. Meanwhile Kanan is slo-mo-ing his way through the village, killing people with his double-bladed battleaxe of doom and roaring. Some villager who-looks-a-hell-of-a-lot-like-and-might-actually-be-(but I can't be bothered to check)-Rory Williams is shoved against the side of a house. As Merlin and Will look around it seems that the bandits are gaining the upper hand, in slo-mo (even though Gwen's actually got a sword now). There's only one thing for it. It's the moment of truth.

**WILL **There's too many of them

**MERLIN **Not for he there isn't

Merlin glances at Arthur and then raises his hand. His eyes glow gold. And he creates a magical tornado of dust. And it is _awesome_.

**MUSIC ***is epic*

**ARTHUR** *chooses just that moment to look round and see Merlin and Will standing in front of the magical tornado of dust* What. The. Fridge?

**GWEN** Holy Camelot!

**MORGANA** *protects her eyes*

**KANAN** Oh bugger.

**MUSIC** *is epic*

**HUNITH** *falls over*

**BANDITS** *are thrown into the air and dragged away by their horses*

**ARTHUR **Teh. Freaking. Heck?

**MUSIC** *is epic*

**BANDITS **Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! *do so*

**VILLAGERS** YAY!

The remaining bandits are chased away by villagers with pitchforks and sticks. Will is grinning like a loon. Morgana and Gwen have a hug. And Kanan?

**KANAN** PENDRAGON! I will fight you in axe to sword combat, but I'm going to remove my helmet first *does so*

**ARTHUR** Bring it

Kanan and Arthur engage in a fight, in which Arthur quickly disarms Kanan, only to have Kanan kick him in the chest. Nobody does anything to help either of them. Arthur recovers quickly and grabs a sword that was sheathed in the chest of a dead bandit. They fight some more but it is quick, because Arthur manages to stab Kanan in the guts.

KANAN Oh damn *falls over and dies*

ARTHUR Who did that?

MERLIN Erm, who did what?

ARTHUR That magical tornado of dust

MERLIN Arthur...

Looks like it's the moment of truth... Or not, because Kanan isn't quite dead yet. In fact, he's managed to turn over, turn around, grab a loaded crossbow out of nowhere and shoot an arrow. All that must have been quite an exertion because then he dies properly.

**WILL** No! *leaps in front of Arthur and gets an arrow in the chest for his trouble*

**MERLIN** _WILL_!

Merlin and Arthur pick Will up and carry him into a house, whilst Morgana, Gwen and the villagers look on in horror.

**WILL** That's twice I've saved you

**ARTHUR** Teh heck?

**MERLIN **What?

**WILL** Yeah, I'm the sorcerer.

**MERLIN** Will, don't...

**WILL** I used the magic. What you gonna do? Kill me?

He's being incredible positive and/or snarky for someone with an arrow in the chest. Arthur and everyone else leave Merlin with Will to say goodbye, and the rest of the scene is very sad so I won't be too humorous about it because that would be unfair. Will insists that Merlin is great man and thanks to Will he'll one day be a servant to a great king. Oh god and then there is this line:

**WILL** Merlin... Merlin, I'm scared

And poor Merlin is trying desperately to comfort him and Colin Morgan is crying and Will dies... I'm gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and cry now.

**XVI – I'm back. They are burning Will's body **

Arthur is saying that he's sorry for what happened.

**ARTHUR** You knew he was a sorcerer, didn't you? That's what you were going to tell me

**MERLIN **Yes. It was

Poor Merlin. And now Arthur is having a go at him for not telling him. And then he leaves the funeral. Merlin just stands there all emotionless. Its heart wrenching. Arthur can be such a bastard sometimes and from the looks on their faces Morgana and Gwen agree with that statement.

Hunith comes over to have a heart-to-heart with Merlin in front of the funeral pyre.

**HUNITH **You'd better be going

**MERLIN** I don't have to go

**HUNITH **Yes you do. You belong at Arthur's side. You need each other, you're like two sides of the same coin

**MERLIN **... Huh?

**XVII – The next meeting of the Merthur fan club**

**SPARKY **So you convinced Merlin to go back with Arthur

**HUNITH** Yup

**SPARKY **Awesome

**GAIUS** Isn't it just?

**HUNITH **And those boys think we don't notice all the subtext and unresolved sexual tension and the like

**GAIUS** *chuckles*

**SPARKY **To _destiny_?

**ALL **To _destiny_! *clink coffee cups*

**NEXT TIME There's a bloke in a flappy white cloak with a hood and a staff who is Keeper of the Unicorns. Arthur kills a unicorn. Hoodie-white-cloak-man is not pleased**


	11. Who teh Scarf is Gedref anyway?

I know, I know, I made you wait. That was unfair. But I'm here now and I hope you enjoy this, to make up for such a long wait. A good episode this one...

On a slightly unrelated but on-topic note: THE TEARS OF UTHER PENDRAGON PART ONE! *dies*

I should probably mention in advance that I own neither _Merlin _nor large chunks of Monty Python dialogue...

**The Labyrinth of Gedref... Which totally isn't a made up word *shifty eyes***

**I- Yes. The Roman Numerals have returned.**

Here we are in a forest, and I would be getting déjà-vu from episode six if it wasn't for the fact that the atmosphere is a lot more tense and this time Arthur and Merlin have a load of knights with them (you know, just in case any bandit attacks that happen to be centred around evil fairy people who want to kill Arthur occur. These things happen more frequently than one might expect, you know).

Arthur is armed (and sexy) with crossbows being the weapon of the day. Merlin is carrying the bags and playing distraction for whatever they are hunting. We don't know what it is, nor does Merlin and it turns out Arthur doesn't know either. So, good luck Merlin and try not to get your head torn off.

**MERLIN** *sarcasm mode* Don't I feel appreciated today?

They are in a very dark, deep and dingy part of the forest today. All the three Ds. It doesn't exactly bode well. Merlin isn't exactly good at stealth either but at least he's found a nice big stick to help him in case he meets something nasty that wants to bite his head off. It isn't as if he has magic or anything to make it go away...

However right now Merlin's expression and the soundtrack are indicating that he's seen something rather awesome and important to the plot. It's a unicorn. With a fringe.

Merlin is so awestruck by the unicorn and its fringe that he drops the stick and cannot help but go a little closer to it.

Unfortunately this is when Arthur turns up with his crossbow.

**MERLIN** Oh crap. Please go away unicorn, I don't want you to DIE!

**UNICORN** *stubbornly refuses to move*

Meanwhile:

**ARTHUR** Ye gasp! An unnatural creature with a horn in the centre of its head! It must be magic and magic = BAD. This needs something more than just an arrow. Bring the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

**KNIGHT** *brings the Holy Hand Grenade*

**ARTHUR **How does it... um... how does it work?

**KNIGHT **I know not, my liege.

**ARTHUR **Consult the Book of Armaments.

**KNIGHT **Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...

**ARTHUR **Skip a bit...

**KNIGHT** And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

**ARTHUR **Right. One... two... five!

**KNIGHT **Three, sir.

**ARTHUR **Three! *throws the Holy Hand Grenade*

Don't ask. Just don't.

**UNICORN** *dies*

**MERLIN** Oh _bugger_

**SOUNDTRACK ***indicates that a VERY BAD AND TERRRIBLE THING WITH CAPITAL LETTERS just happened*

**ARTHUR** I am _so _awesome

**MERLIN** Right. _That's_ it. There is no way you are getting any sex toni-

Unfortunately he is cut off by the fact that Spock Prime, erm, I mean, I mysterious looking old guy in a robe with a stick is standing right behind Arthur and not looking very happy. Until Arthur turns round to see what Merlin is staring at, at which point he disappears.

And there are some credits.

**OPENING CREDITS (see, I told you. On which note- they still haven't updated the credits for series three. Meh)**

**II- Back in Camelot, Arthur is presenting the unicorn's horn for Uther and the plebs to gawp at**

Merlin is carrying this horn on a cushion and is not happy about it. Uther, on the other hand, is pretty much delighted, even if Arthur has interrupted him in the middle of a filing session.

UTHER Come and gawp at this unicorn horn, Gaius

**GAIUS** Very impressive, my lord *bitchplz look*

Uther knows when Gaius is doing the "bitchplz" look though and demands an explanation as to why the "bitchplz" look is necessary. Gaius explains that legend says a curse will fall upon whoever kills a unicorn. Neither Uther nor Arthur seem to bothered about this.

Gaius and Merlin then have a little chat about how Arthur is a prat and Merlin is very lucky to have seen a unicorn. Gaius seems apprehensive.

**III- Arthur, on the other hand, is having a chillax and Merlin-bullying session in his chambers (and for using the word "chillax" I will now go to a very special circle of hell.)**

Merlin and his face-like-a-wounded-bear are having none of it. Arthur isn't very happy that Merlin isn't very happy about him killing the unicorn. He is also rather annoyed about something else, which apparently requires him to manhandle Merlin into bending over to see.

**MERTHUR FANS** *die a little of happiness inside*

So yeah, there's a rat in Arthur's chambers. Why? Because of a random little joke the scriptwriter threw in which will rear its head again later. No other reason. More pressing matters are at hand however now, namely that the king requests Arthur's service as a matter of urgency.

**ARTHUR** Find that rat

**MERLIN** *sighs. Attempts bitchplz-face and fails miserably*

Far away from the happy, smiley, hey-look-a-joke soundtrack, the crops have died. All over Camelot. Overnight. In very short sentences. This is not a good thing. The scene (with the exception of Uther and Arthur and the knight's bright red cloaks/coats) is very monochrome. And this is a sign of how my friend-who-does-film-studies is affecting my brain.

**IV- Luckily Gaius and some SCIENCE are here to find out what happened**

**MERLIN** It's teh _magics_!

**GAIUS **We can't assume that

**MERLIN** Oh really, because that's the conclusion somebody jumps to most episodes and they are usually right

Meanwhile, with still very monochrome colour schemes, Arthur is busy showing Uther how little grain they have left and explaining just how screwed they are. Which is _very_. Uther's solution- a curfew and all looters will be executed.

Gwen is now here in order to talk to Merlin and ask some obvious questions just in case the viewers are goldfish who need to be reminded that the crops are all dead. The real point of this scene, however, becomes evident when she attempts to fill her bucket at the water pump.

**GWEN** Teh scarf? Merlin!

Merlin returns to discover that instead of water, Gwen's pumping _sand_ into her bucket. And still pumping it, despite the fact that it is obviously sand and there is no water. You can stop pumping it now Gwen, really.

**MERLIN **We are so screwed

A cut later:

**UTHER** We are _so_ screwed

Even more than they thought. There is no water in the well and none in the reservoir. Just sand. And Uther, _please_ stop leaning into that freaking _well_... It is giving me the creeps even though there's another series left to go before... Well, spoilers. *shudder*

**UTHER** Gaius, any explanation?

**GAIUS** Erm... sorcery

**MERLIN** *totally off screen* I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO!

**UTHER** We are _**so **_screwed

**V- I am very sorry, Merlin, but teh magics ain't gonna cut it. That sand is not going to turn back into water no matter how many silly words you throw at it**

And Gaius agrees with me.

And so does the ominous soundtrack of doom.

At night, Arthur is drilling his knights on the subject of curfew

**ARTHUR **Patrol the town all one is to leave their homes. Not even you lot. Dismissed

**KNIGHTS** *march away* *singing very quietly to keep in step* we're knights of the round table, we dance when e'er we're able...

**MERLIN ***strolls out merrily*

**ARTHUR **Merlin, you do know what the word "curfew" means, don't you?

**MERLIN** Yes. I was in your chambers...

**MERTHUR FANS** *minisquee*

**MERLIN** ... looking for the rat

**ARTHUR **As I am contractually obliged to milk this "rat" joke for all it is worth, I shall now snark about the fact that you were outwitted by a rat. Go ho-

Unfortunately he does not get to finish his sentence, after catching a glimpse of a figure in a white flappy cloak going somewhere they aren't allowed to be. What to do? How about following them to find out what teh scarf is going on! Great idea, lets go! Complete with v. dramatic multiple-step-leaping from Arthur.

However downstairs there is no sign of the strange man. Merlin is also no good at reading hand gestures but eventually annoyed!Arthur gets the message across and they split up, only to meet again in the middle... But what is this? Hooded-man is right behind them! More chasing occurs and once again they finish up where they started. Arthur's going all blamey on Merlin but then...

**HOODED MAN** Are you looking for me?

... No.

**HOODED MAN** I am Anhora- Keeper of the Unicorns. With capital letters and everything, if you don't mind

Arthur's face is utterly and adorably bemused.

**ANHORA** I have come to deliver a message. Basically you killed a unicorn and that's bad and if you don't make up for it you and all of Camelot is screwed. Sound fair?

**ARTHUR** Not really. How does arrest sound to you? *grabs at Anhora*

**ANHORA** *disappears and reappears at the top of the stairs* You'll face a series of tests to prove you've made amends. If you fail any of them, Camelot is screwed.

Merlin and Arthur look very pale and worried. It is a very nice image in which they look very pretty and their clothes are very colourful but that isn't really the point.

**ARTHUR** I am _so_ screwed

**VI- Merlin told Gaius about last night's hi-jinks then...**

... well, maybe not _all _of them ;)

Merlin is using Gaius earlier exposition to figure out that what Anhora said was true. Gaius is busy informing Merlin that he used Merlin's old bathwater to make tea. It's alright, Merlin, boiling water kills the germs- you'll live. Merlin doesn't seem convinced.

**GAIUS** What does Arthur think about the curse?

**MERLIN** *derisive snort* What do you think? He's being a prat (as per usual) and blaming Anhora (of course)

**ME** *feels all clever for using the word "derisive"*

Arthur- meanwhile- still has a hole in his boot. Obviously Merlin hasn't caught it yet. Arthur's solution? Throw the boot at Merlin. That isn't going to help Merlin catch the rat any quicker, Arthur, but I guess whatever makes you feel better...

**MERLIN** So... About this curse...

**ARTHUR** Oh shut up. Its not my fault and Anhora was obviously lying because we had him cornered

**MERLIN **You have noticed that this guy can Apparate, haven't you?

**ARTHUR** Oh, shut up. And you're helping me catch Anhora tonight by the way

**MERLIN** ... o_O

And cut to the evening, where Merlin's made himself comfortable and Arthur isn't happy about it. I am loving Bradley James' whole attitude in this scene, even if Arthur is being an arse.

There's a light in the distance. Someone's coming. Arthur draws his sword, just in case. Merlin grabs a handy scythe thing. Maybe intimidated by Arthur's pointless sword-twirling, the intruder emerges. But it isn't Anhora. Nope, it's some peasant. With a shovel.

**ARTHUR **Who are you?

**PEASANT **There are some who call me... Tim

**ARTHUR **Evan. Right.

**EVAN** That'll do

**ARTHUR** I see you think you can help yourself to our grain reserves. Doesn't explain the tiny bag and the enormous shovel but I'll let that lie. Anyway, you should probably be executed now

**EVAN** But what about my wife and children? I don't want them to DIE

**ARTHUR **Go home then. But if you come back I won't spare you again. Got it?

**EVAN **Pretty much. *voice suddenly goes weird and monotonous and not-mysterious-at-all-with-extra-shifty-eyes* You have shown yourself to be merciful and kind. This will bring its own reward.*leaves. Arthur lets him keep the grain as well... But not the shovel*

Merlin is wearing an expression halfway between weirded-out and "do-you-think-that-was-your-first-test-then-my-lord."

**VII- Its a bright morning and Gwen's out... So are some guards, chasing some bloke for some reason. **

Gwen looks sad. But by some strange miracle- even though she's standing quite a way from the water pump- she spots a drop of water on the edge. She tests her theory by pumping some water into a bucket that just happened to be laying around and- yep- its water. Not sand any more. Hooray and stuffs. You can stop pumping water now Gwen, I know you're happy to have it back but you don't really want to waste it.

Cut to Arthur and Merlin guzzling water from tankards as if it were ale. Or something. Which is a point. Didn't they have ale or wine stored somewhere to drink even when the water was sand, or was that all sandy too? Hm. Maybe all the water in the ale turned to sand so you just got sandy slops... Maybe I'm reading too deeply into this. One or the other. Or something completely different.

**ARTHUR** Well, don't you think its a huge and quite staggering yet sort of cool coincidence that the water returned to the well the very morning after I spared that guy who was stealing from the grain stalls?

**MERLIN** *cough*

**ARTHUR** ... Meh

**MERLIN** You don't have to listen to me...

**ARTHUR** Glad we agree on something

**MERLIN **Quiet. I'm ranting. Isn't ending your people's suffering the best thing that could happen? Why don't we seek Anhora out? And not telling Uther would be a good idea there too.

**ARTHUR** Still "meh". But let's go for it

Arthur leaves and Merlin looks slightly irritated (especially as Arthur is pretty adamant that Merlin find him some food). That's when he notices the rat squeaking around in Arthur's boot. Any person who has been following the gag so far can see where this is going.

**VIII – The water might have come back but the grain still hasn't so people are still queuing in large numbers for their rations**

Worried!Arthur looks worried. Morgana is wearing a polar bear and doesn't seem to know a peasant when she sees one. Meanwhile, Morgana and Gwen are sneakily stealing food to share amongst the children and old people. You know. It's nice of them but it's also kind of cliché, unfortunately.

That evening Arthur's changed his entire attitude to food and decided he can't eat while his people are starving, which is a shame because Merlin's made him some stew. You can see where this is going, can't you? Arthur's too bust angsting about being responsible for the curse to see where this is going and he and Merlin are going to go into the forest to kind Anhora and sort this shiz out. Merlin is très happy about this.

And yes. It's rat stew. Arthur isn't amused and nor are we. Though we do get some nice sarcastic Arthur into the bargin, so I'm willing to forgive and forget. Mm, nice sarcastic Bradley James. Yes please.

Oh look, its Morgana. And she's wondering if they have anything to eat...

**IX – In the deep dark forest, which looks more like a jungle to be honest right now, there's so many plants...**

Merlin and Arthur are looking for footprints. You know, because a guy who can Apperate is going to leave plenty of those.

Or he's just going to turn up round about now. Quick! After him!

Oh, and Merlin's lost Arthur already. Way to go.

Arthur, however, after some dramatic running through the forest finds... Evan. Evan's looking smug.

**EVEN** *smugly* Hi there, bitch

**ARTHUR **You! You're a thief

**EVAN** I know, right. Can you tell from all these bags of random food hanging around? And watermelons. At least, they look like watermelons. Not sure where I got watermelons in dark ages England, but hey

Evan is still being smug and insulting and making Arthur angry by calling him a coward and saying he would not make a good king. There is a sword fight. Evan spends most of it being smug and asking if the King wonders if Arthur is even his son. Please Evan, don't start up an internet rumour mill, there'll be chaos!

At which point Evan dissapperates and Anhora appears behind Arthur.

**ARTHUR **This is your doing!

**ANHORA **No shit, Sherlock

**SHERLOCK** Did someone say my name?

**JOHN ***drags Sherlock back to his own series*

Sorry. Couldn't help it. _Sherlock_ is an awesome show.

**ANHORA** You have a really low anger threshold, you know that?

**ARTHUR **Lift the curse!

**ANHORA **I've told you several times now that I can't actually do that. Now Camelot will pay dearly. And it's all your fault. Bye.

The chanting people in the background are getting very excited. It is actually quite awesome.

And so Merlin turns up far too late.

Notice how I have not commented one on the shot of Bradley James' rather nice arse that they have given us.

**X – All the remaining grain has rotted**

**UTHER** We are_ so_ screwed.

Oh, some nice shots of gargoyles. Pointless, but an interesting addition. Thank you, director (can't be bothered to look up who directed this episode).

**MERLIN** Arthur's a prat. He loves his people, but he's a prat

**GAIUS **Yeah. Right, we're eating beetles now, yes?

**MERLIN **We are so _completely_ screwed.

Meanwhile Arthur and Uther have a conversation. It basically reiterates how screwed Camelot it and Uther decides to be a selfish bastard and keep all the remaining food for themselves and the army. *sigh*

Arthur is, understandable, not happy about this.

Especially as Uther is far too proud than ask other kingdoms for help.

**UTHER **Give the order. _Now_. Or else.

Long tense silence.

**ARTHUR** You'll have to give that order yourself.

Now that's awesome.

**XI – The battlements appear to be Teh Place to Go when you is feeling angsty**

Cue Arthur and Merlin looking depressed on the battlements like angsty peoples. Arthur says some exposition to Merlin and Merlin is all nice and reassuring and "You weren't to know you were being tested" and it's very sweet. But Arthur is still depressed and "this is all my doing." I think I may go curl up and cry, because they both look so very sad and it's making _me_ sad.

So Merlin's gone to find Anhora and sort this shiz out!

**MERLIN **Anhora!

**ECHO** Anhora-ora-ora-ra-ra-ah-ah-ah-wantyourbadromance

**ANHORA** You wanted to see me?

**MERLIN **Wow. How did you figure that one out? Anyway, the people are starving

**ANHORA** I have now lost count of the number of times I've told you that it is not in my power to lift the curse

**AUDIENCE** Us too! We get it already, writers!

**MERLIN **Please, just give Arthur one more chance. I can't bear to see him angsting and hating himself, it makes me upset.

**ANHORA** You have faith in Arthur?

**MERLIN **I trust him with my life

**ANHORA** I'll hold you to that. The Labyrinth of Gedref, ASAP. Be there or be screwed. *randomly apperates around for no apparent reason and disappears*

Irritated-and-confused!Merlin is irritated and confused.

**XII – Cut to Arthur putting on his armour and telling Merlin he is going alone**

You know., Because that's the noble thing to do

**MERLIN** I'm coming with you. I don't want you to DIE!

**ARTHUR** No you're not. You're staying and helping the people. Got it? *leaves*

**MERLIN **Oh for heaven's sake

Arthur should really realise by now that Merlin isn't going to leave his princely arse to get into trouble. No siree.

Silly prince.

So Arthur rides away with his hair all bouncy across hills and valleys and all that jazz (Merlin follows him with his hair not so bouncy) until he reaches the Labyrinth of Gedref

**ARTHUR **Oh crap, it's the maze from the Third Task of the Triwizard Tournament. THAT THING SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME! AND IT WASN'T LIKE IT WAS IN THE BOOK!

No, it was way, _way _scarier.

Merlin then comes across the Labyrinth

**MERLIN** This is gonna suck

At least Arthur has his sword. He enters the Labyrinth and the awesome music starts

**GOBLINS **Dance, magic dance!

NOT _THAT _LABYRINTH!

Anyway, this has got to be one of my favourite Merlin sequences ever. Just watch it. It's awesome

Oh look. Merlin's found Anhora.

**MERLIN** You! You're preparing a trap for Arthur

**ANHORA** The trap isn't for Arthur. It is for you

And so a load of plants appear and trap Merlin. This really _is_ the maze from the Third Task... though it's significantly_ less_ scary and has significantly _more_ awesome music.

But hey, Arthur's found the exit. It leads to a beach where Merlin is sitting at a table. Weird time for a picnic.

**ARTHUR** Let Merlin go

**ANHORA** Sorry. Merlin is part of the test

**ARTHUR** Well isn't that brilliant? *sits down*I thought I told you to stay at home

What an unusual way of putting it... Which has_ just_ the right amount of subtext to keep the Merthur fans happy

Anhora then explains the test. There are two goblets, one filled with "a deadly poison" and the other with "a harmless liquid" (are these people incapable of just saying "water"?) All the liquid from both goblets must be drunk but each of them can only drink from a single goblet.

Arthur isn't impressed, but hey, if he passes then the curse will be lifted. The inevitable argument starts. The whole "I'm more expendable than you" malarkey. But that still doesn't tell them which goblet contains the poison.

**MERLIN AND ARTHUR** I don't want you to DIE!

**ARTHUR **Stop trying to be a hero Merlin, it really doesn't suit you

**AUDIENCE **Heh, dramatic irony

**ARTHUR** I had no idea you were so keen to die for me

**MERLIN** I can hardly believe it myself

Slightly awkward pause

**ARTHUR** I'm glad you're here, Merlin

**AUDEINCE** *collective "aw"*

**MERTHUR FANS** *die happy*

Then Merlin then comes up with an idea. They pour all the liquid into one goblet then one of them drinks it. Simple.

**ARTHUR **Wow. You never cease to surprise me; you're a lot smarter than you look

**MERLIN** Is that actually a complement?

**MERTHUR FANS** *still dying happily*

But that just rekindles the old argument of which of them will drink it

**ARTHUR AND MERLIN** But I don't want you to DIE!

**ARTHUR** Too late.

Arthur pours all the liquid into one goblet and prepares to drink it

**MERLIN** You can't die! This isn't your destiny!

**THE GREAT SLASH DRAGON, GAIUS AND THE REST OF THE MERTHUR SHIPPERS FAN CLUB** ... _Destiny_? *on the edge of their seats with nervousness*

**GSD** Hey, I haven't been in this episode

**THE REST OF THE MERTHUR SHIPPERS FAN CLUB** _Sssh_!

**MERLIN** Listen to me!

**ARTHUR** You know me, Merlin. I never listen to you *drinks*

Well, that was pretty awesome. Then, of course, Arthur falls dramatically and slow-motiony off his chair.

**MERLIN **Arthur!No! *runs to his side*

**MERTHUR FANS** *are now very happy ghosts*

**ANHORA** He's not dead, you know. It was only a sleeping draught

**MERLIN** ... Pardon?

ANHORA He had to prove that he was pure of heart, like a unicorn, and did so by showing he was willing to sacrifice himself for you. Long story short, the curse will be lifted.

**XIII – And sure enough, back in Camelot, everything is generally happy and the crops have grown back and everything. Yay :)**

**UTHER** Awesome! Is the sorcerer dead then?

**ARTHUR **He won't be troubling us any more *meaningful look at Merlin*

But before he helps with the restocking of the grain or whatever, there is something Arthur has to do. Which is to take the unicorn's horn back into the forest and say sorry for killing it.

At which point Merlin notices... The Unicorn has come back to life

And so has its fringe.

And that can't be anything but a good thing

:)

* * *

**NEXT TIME **

Morgana's evil looks are here. And they are here to stay. And the Dragon would be quite happy if Uther was dead, thank you very much

In the meantime: **THE TEARS OF UTHER PENDRAGON PART TWO. TONIGHT!**

**Oh, and please review, good peoples :)**


	12. This Title Is Not a Spoiler

((Found the DVD, am now writing the rest of this episode's review. Yay!))

I have been a bad writer. A very bad writer. I have been hanging around procrastinating my head off when I could have written a-squillion new amusing reviews. And yes, I have had coursework eating my face off but that is hardly an excuse. And so... I am sorry.

And you may hit me with spoons.

*hangs head in shame*

Anyway, now that's over with...

**To Kill the King (which would be a spoilery title if there hadn't been two more series since this episode...)**

Oh, before I begin, I am going to mention that I am going to try my best to keep Series 3 (GAHITWASAWESOME) spoilers out of these reviews because I know I have readers who haven't seen it yet (seriously, slow much?) The real shame here is that the big reveal from episode 5 (I think it was episode 5) of series 3 would have made for some interesting jokes here which I now cannot use due to spoilers. I apologise and you may insert your own jokes at your own pleasure.

**I-We open with Gwen's father running through the town... Wow, we haven't seen him since, like episode three**

Talking of which, where was he when she was having a nice flirt with Lancelot, huh? Or when she stole his best sword to give to Merlin so he could make Excalibur? HUH? Anyway, he finds Gwen and attempts to scare her by peeking out over a washing line and going "Boo!"

**GWEN** That wasn't scary in the least, but I'll go "eek" anyway. How are you, Father-who-has-only-ever-appeared-when-it-is-necessary-to-the-plot?

**GWEN'S FATHER** Finding surprises for you and being a typical slightly-embarrassing-but-altogether-quirkily-endearing father. You know, giving you a button and then producing a whole dress from lord-knows-where because I think it'll be funny.

**GWEN **Wow, what a lovely dress. And a lovely button to go with it... HOW THE HECK DID YOU PAY FOR IT?

**GWEN'S FATHER** Woah, suspicious much. Don't worry, we're going up in the world now *iscryptic*

**SUSPICOUS!GWEN** *is suspicious*

**GWEN'S FATHER** It'll be fine. Trust me

You know: the five words most likely to get your daughter to not trust you? Well done there quirky dad.

**GWEN'S DAD** *wonders quirkily off* Hm, I'm a quirky father who only appears when I am relevant to the plot and just had a sweet, endearingly quirky conversation with my daughter. Do you think that's a bad omen? Nah, this isn't a Disney movie, I'll be fine *whistle*

Later that night, in his blacksmiths place, Gwen's Dad (erm... name?) is working hard melting something down when, to be honest, he should really be asleep. I mean, all this blacksmithing is hard work and he looks tired. However, he is soon interrupted by a strange and mysterious noise.

**HOODED SCOTTISH BLOKE HIDING IN THE SHADOWS** I'm evil, can you tell? Oh, and Scottish, _don' t_ forget the Scottishness.

Oh, I am not going to forget your accent, oh no sirree... What? I _like_ Scottish accents, okay?

**GWEN'S DAD** Yes, I can tell. The soundtrack is making your evilness quite clear. Anyway, have your molten lead and let me go to bed (tee hee, rhyme)

**HOODED SCOTTISH BLOKE** *lowers his hood and looks a little bit like a young Jeremy Irons... only Scottish* Hmm, shiny, shiny molten lead. A bit grey though, hang on a tick. *pulls a pretty orange stone thing out of his pocket*

**GWEN'S DAD'S EXPRESSION** I am in waaaaaay over my head, aren't I?

**AUDIENCE** Yup.

**STONE** *makes very loud noise of evil and teh magics*

**MERLIN **(who is in his bedroom in Camelot) Ow my ears!

**SCOTTISH BLOKE** *uses teh magics*

**STONE ***glows*

**GWEN'S DAD** Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap

**MERLIN **WOULD PEOPLE STOP USING LOUD AND EAR-PAINFUL MAGIC? THERE ARE ALL-POWERFUL WARLOCKS AND PRINCE'S MANSERVANTS/POSSIBLE SEX TOYS TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!

**MOLTEN LEAD** *turns to gold*

**GWEN'S DAD** ohcrapohcrapohcrap- Ooh! Gold! Shiny! *goes to cool it down*

**SCOTTISH BLOKE** Pure, priceless gold

Excuse me, mister Scottish bloke, but I know some economics experts who would like a word with you.

**SCOTTISH BLOKE** Oh, and it's yours too, if you keep your mouth shut

**ARTHUR** *bursts in followed by knights* Did someone ask for an ironically timed entrance?

In the ensuing chaos, the Scottish bloke gets away but drops the magical stone of doom (we know this because a shot of the bag it is kept in is accompanied by that bloody annoying noise it makes). Unfortunately, Gwen's Dad is caught and arrested for helping a sorcerer.

**GWEN'S DAD** I'm screwed, aren't I?

**AUDIENCE** Yup.

**OPENING CREDITS (Something tells me this isn't going to be a happy episode)**

**II- MERLIN HAS GOT BED HAIR! EXCUSE ME WHILST I SQUEE AT THE ADORABLENESS FOR A WHILE.**

*cough* Okay, I'm done.

Anyway, Merlin informs Gaius that something (like a darn irritating NOISE... or just a... _feeling_?) woke him up.

**MERLIN** There are teh powerful magics in Camelot

I love his bed hair. *minisquee*

The door opens and little red riding hood, erm, I mean Gwen, runs in.

**GWEN **They arrested my father for making weapons for a sorcerer and are charging him with treason!

**MORGANA **Treason?

GAH!

Alright, it turns out we are now in another scene and Morgana (who is wearing another polar bear) is talking to Uther, who is looking very shmexy in his jacket and leather gloves and seems more concerned with his wine than that a known enemy of Camelot was found consorting with the blacksmith.

**ARTHUR** Tauren

GAH!

**ARTHUR **He's the leader of a band of renegade sorcerers, sworn to bring down the King.

Thank you, Mister Exposition, but I forgive you for the way you are posing bent over that table all brooding in that red jacket, oh yes. Morgana, on the other hand, is not pleased about the arrest of Gwen's father.

**UTHER **We believe from the fact that he was found holding a lump of gold given to him by Tauren that he was forging weapons for him.

**MORGANA** Your excuses are rubbish.

**UTHER** Every man has his price.

I wonder what Arthur's is *eyebrowseyebrowseyebrows*

**UTHER** He was paid in gold. This sorcerer is obviously trying to ruin our stock exchange.

**MORGANA **This is madness!

...

...

...

I'm sorry I can't help it

**UTHER** THIS! IS! CAMELOT!

*hides in a corner in shame*

**MORGANA** Arthur, do something.

**ARTHUR** I am doing something

**MORGANA** What?

**ARTHUR** Brooding

**MORGANA** Screw you!

Meanwhile, Uther is busy demonstrating the fact that he has no clue what the words "fair trial" mean

**MORGANA **Screw you as well. You execute Gwen's father and I will never forgive you. Never! Now, my polar bear and I are out of here

...

**UTHER** What did I say?

**III- In the prison, Gwen's Father (SERIOUSLY, NAME?) is pleading his case to Gwen**

Gwen is, understandably, irritated that he didn't tell her what was going on

**GWEN'S DAD** Well, I haven't seen you since episode three... I'm screwed aren't I?

**GWEN **I don't want you to DIE!

I'm sorry, Gwen, law of Disney says it is bound to happen. Anyway, turns out she came down here with Gaius and Merlin, because they all want to know what in the name of Sherlock's swishy coat is going on. She explains that Tauren offered her dad money to perform his experiment using teh magics.

**MERLIN** Did this magic make a really irritating high-pitched noise?

They suddenly appear to have apparated into Gaius' room and Gwen is sleeping. Merlin and Gaius discuss the facts. Oh, and Gwen's Dad's name is Tom, apparently. Thanks for letting us know.

**GAIUS **Tauren gave Tom gold

**MERLIN **So his plan was to upset Camelot's stock exchange?

**GAIUS** Nope. Alchemy.

**MERLIN** Okay. For the benefit of viewers who have not read Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone- What is Alchemy?

Gaius explains the whole turn-metal-into-gold thing and that it is supposed to be impossible.

**MERLIN **Does it involve irritating noises?

**GAIUS **Possibly

Which, in this case, means "definitely".

**IV- The next day, Morgana and her polar bear have gone investigating.**

Shame she didn't bring Merlin and Arthur with her, we could have had a repeat of Episode 3's Trio of Awesome. She's looking for Gwen, because no one has told her she spent the night in Merlin's room.

Stop looking at me like that.

In the blacksmith's, Morgana comes across the bag with the Philosopher's Stone in it (shut up, its totally a Philosopher's Stone) and picks it up.

**MORGANA** Ooh, shiny

**STONE** *glows and makes THAT GODDAMN NOISE AGAIN*

**MORGANA** EARPAIN! But still shiny

**MERLIN ***who has been not-sleeping on the floor of his room because Gwen has stolen his bed* EARPAIN! *shifty eyes of freaked-out-ness*

**MORGANA** *squint-of-freaked-out-ness... which is not nearly as adorable as Merlin's shifty eyes*

She takes the stone back to her room and hides it in a little gold box with a pretty gold lid, then goes to Merlin, who is still looking adorably freaked out.

**CONCERNED!MORGANA** *is concerned for Gwen*

**MORGANA/GWEN SHIPPERS** Awwwww

**MERLIN **Morgana... This episode is about you, isn't it? Not Gwen, as the opening few minutes led us to believe

**MORGANA** Yeah. Oh damn, is Uther an idiot.

**MERLIN **Tom's screwed, isn't he?

**MORGANA** There's no hope, Merlin. None at all

I present that quote to anyone who said that Morgana was out of character in the third series.

**MERLIN** *sighs* Pessimist much?

**V- Morgana's investigating now takes her to Arthur's room**

She's ditched the polar bear, I notice. And put her hair into a braid. I am thinking that maybe this is later in the day then. Hm, Arthur's room is empty. Apparently this is the cue for Morgana to go stealing stuff. You know, I think everyone in Camelot may be a secret kleptomaniac or something *shrugs*

Does Arthur have keys to everywhere in Camelot? Why the heck does he keep them in an easily accessible drawer?

I think that might be a security issue.

Down in the dungeons, Gwen's-father-called-Tom is pacing and looking worried. Morgana turns up.

**MORGANA** I'm sorry Tom, you're screwed (translation: here, have this key I am subtlety passing to you)

**TOM** How's Gwen?

**MORGANA** She's a brave girl (translation: worried as heck)

**TOM** Uther's a bastard and I am so very screwed, aren't I?

**MORGANA** I cannot see the future

**SCRIPTWRITER'S FINGER OF IRONY** *repeatedly pokes audience in the side very hard*

**MORGANA **Seize the moment. Key. Good luck

She leaves. Tom stares at the key like he's never seen one before in his life.

**TOM **Why do I get the feeling that this isn't going to end well?

**VI- Meanwhile, Arthur and Merlin are watching a load of soldiers marching some poor screwed people through the streets**

One of them has his head lowered and his haircut makes him look freakishly like Merlin's clone or something. Anyway, Merlin is shocked and horrified. So is Arthur, but he is trying to be subtle about it.

**MERLIN** This isn't even fair

**ARTHUR **Don't question my father's actions, even though I totally am as well, mentally. I am just being silent and brooding about it

**MERLIN** *deathglare*

**ARTHUR** Now go and get on with whatever you are meant to be doing

*insert Merthur joke here*

**ARTHUR** I'll just stand here. And brood. That is how I roll this episode.

**VII- It is a dark and stormy night. This does not bode well**

Tom is not-sleeping in his cell, obviously waiting for the opportune moment to make his escape.

**GUARD** *whistle* I am patrolling *whistle* All prisoners had better be asleep *whistle*

**TOM **I'm sleeping. I'm totally sleeping

**GUARD** Meh *patrols off*

With the guard gone, Tom sneakily sneaks out of bed and twists his hand round to get the key into the lock and unlock the door

**TOM** Ow. This angle is killing my wrist. Ow.

**LOCK** *is bloody loud*_ Click_

Tom sneaks sneakily out of his cell and makes for the exit with the slowest run ever.

**GUARD** *whistle* None of you prisoners had better have sneaked away while I was busy being incompetent *spots key in lock* Oh crap.

**ANOTHER GUARD** *patrolling* Oh, I'm sure it's nothing *is knocked out by Tom* Oh crap.

Tom nicks the guard's sword, just in time for the warning bell to start ringing

**TOM** Why did I get the feeling that this was going to end badly?

Upstairs, word has got to Uther pretty darned quickly and now he wants Tom killed on sight, despite Arthur's protests.

And, what do you know, the guards chose this moment to stop being incompetent and show why Uther hired them, easily cornering Tom. His slow running doesn't help matters either.

**GUARD** He's got a sword!

**ANOTHER GUARD** You idiot! We've all got swords!

**TOM **I'mscrewedI'mscrewedI'mscrewedI'mscrewed (etc.)

Yeah. Sorry about that, expendable-quirky-father-of-one-of-the-main-characters.

**TOM** DAMN YOU STANDARD DISNEY STORY FORMULA!

**GUARDS** *kill Tom*

**GWEN (V/O)** NOOOOOOOOO!

Well, that was rather dark and violent for Saturday evening primetime. But hey, people's faces have horribly mutated into gas masks around this point on Saturday evenings. Steven Moffat is truly the king of nightmares... And the only man alive who can make the phrase "fish fingers and custard" seem foreboding. But that's another story entirely.

**VIII – Morning. Shots of Camelot with Gwen's fading scream in the background.**

It is all very poignant.

**DIRECTOR **I AM TRULY AN _AWESOME_!

Yes, Mr. Director. Yes, you are.

Morgana watches from her window of watching whilst Gwen runs down into the courtyard just in time to see her father's body being carted away. It is kind of difficult to make this funny. Instead, I shall concentrate on the ominous music playing in the background to show that Morgana is_ angry_. She shows this by storming determinedly off to see Uther and be all accusing, whilst her dress trails a spectacularly long way along the floor behind her.

**MORGANA** You have blood on your hands, Uther Pendragon, blood that will never wash off (for this episode anyway, after which we shall ignore the issue until it is randomly becomes relevant again in series 3)

**UTHER** Morgana! How dare you interrupt my reading session on my indoor park bench!

Seriously, what is that thing he is sitting on? It looks like it belongs in the garden.

Morgana and Uther argue about his being unjust and having no idea what the words "fair trial" mean and Uther is all "I am king, grr. I must protect the kingdom from enemies, grr."

**MORGANA** Then the kingdom is doomed. Oh yes. I went there.

**UTHER **Well, that put me off my goblet of implied wine. Now stop being all treason-ish *drinks from goblet of implied wine*

His voice is incredibly calm for what he is saying. Morgana's, on the other hand, is all angry and shaky and stuffs.

**MORGANA** Only a madman hears the truth as treason. Oh yes, I went there. Again.

**UTHER** Do that again and I'll have you locked up

**MORGANA **You just try

**IX – The dungeons.**

**FINGER OF IRONY ***continues to poke audience repeatedly in the side very hard*

**AUDIENCE **Ow *rub sore side*

For some reason they have put Morgana in a whole new dungeon which is huge in comparison to all the other ones. Meh, I guess she is the King's ward. However, she also gets chained by the wrists to the wall as well. Sheesh, Uther takes grounding to a whole new level. Morgana's yelling insults at him does nothing to help, though methinks telling someone they are mad with power whilst pulling the expression_ she_ is making is not going to do anything for your cause (seriously, crazy smile/snarl much). Uther just leaves.

**MORGANA** Dammit, now _I'm_ screwed.

Up in Merlin's room...

**MERLIN** Hey. I still exist, you know. I mean, this show is named after me...

**GWEN** Hm.

**MERLIN** So, yeah, can I have my bed back yet? ... Or not. You okay?

**GWEN** *nods* Just traumatised for life *shakes head*

**MERLIN** Don't worry, you'll be fine once this episode is over.

**AWKWARD SILENCE** *is awkward*

**ARTHUR** Hey, can I come in? Gwen, if there is anything you need you just have to ask

**AWKWARD SILENCE ***continues to be awkward*

**ARTHUR** I'm sorry... Erm, I'll just... Go, then

**AWKWARD SCENE** Erm, yeah, I'll just finish... NEXT SCENE!

**X – Night time, Gwen's off home**

**GWEN** Hey, maybe I should just take this washing dow-

**TAUREN (STILL HOODED, SCOTTISH AND MYSTERIOUS)***grabs her*

**GWEN** I knew that wasn't a good idea! *gag*

Tauren would quite like to know where his philosopher's stone has gone, thank ye muchly.

**TAUREN** Two days time. Woods. Dawn. Be there with the stone or else. Bye now. *creeps off*

**GWEN** MORE TRAUMATISED!

Ooh, methinks Gaius has found some exposition! He explains to Merlin that he knows what the stone is and what it does. Oh, and it is called something other than a Philosopher's Stone but I didn't quite hear it and I can't be bothered to go and look it up. Its a freaking Philosopher's Stone, okay.

**MERLIN** And it makes noises of earpain?

**GAIUS** Yup

**MERLIN** Gwen said that Tauren needed some kind of stone

Yes an- HANG ON, WHAT? HOW DOES MERLIN KNOW THIS? WHEN DID _THAT_ HAPPEN?

Anyway, we may never know because now we are back to Morgana in the dungeon. Arthur has come to set her free, isn't that nice? Morgana isn't too pleased to see him and starts being all sarcastic. I am left wondering why there is a flight of stairs up to the window that starts halfway up the wall. Odd design feature.

**MORGANA **Has the King's little helper brought a message or have you just come to gloat?

**ARTHUR** Please stop looking at me like that from under your eyebrows whilst smiling, it is kind of scary

**MORGANA** I'm practising. You never know when it might come in handy

**ARTHUR** O...kaay. You're free to go. Erm, and I kind of told Uther that you'd learnt your lesson and would never question his authority again so, be careful, yeah?

**MORGANA** Thank you. You're a better man than your father. Always were.

And a thousand Arthur/Morgana fics sprang into being.

**ARTHUR** *broods broodingly*

Up in Morgana's room, Gwen and Morgana are equally surprised to see each other.

**GWEN **Where have you been?

**MORGANA** Nowhere. Shouldn't I be asking you that, you're the one that's gone through all the trauma

**GWEN** Kind of trying to block it from my memory *notices marks from manacles on Morgana's wrists*

**MORGANA** I spent the night in the dungeon

Am I the only one getting weird Gwen/Morgana worried-partner/parent vibes from this scene? Especially from the slightly petulant tone Morgana has when she admits that she spent last night in the dungeon... Yeah, just me.

**GWEN** Uther's a bastard

**MORGANA** Yes he is.

**GWEN **Was it about my father?

**MORGANA **You have enough to worry about

**GWEN** So, that's a yes, then. You shouldn't have done that. If anything happened to you, I couldn't bear it

This episode is very Morgana-shippy, isn't it? Especially as Morgana suddenly gets all concerned and touchy-feely until Gwen admits that she can't go home in case of being attacked by a creepy Scottish bloke in a hood looking for a stone.

**MORGANA** Stone? (translation: Oh crap)

Gwen explains what happened to Morgana. I don't know why she's finding it so difficult seeing as she apparently had no trouble telling Merlin about it off screen. Seriously, have I missed something here? Morgana tells Gwen that she's going to send the knights of Camelot out to meet Tauren. Methinks she is lying.

**XI – Morgana: investigator/King-hater extraordinaire, is staring at the stone whilst it makes noises of earpain**

**MERLIN **OWWWW! I am gonna get any friggin' SLEEP this episode? This is worse than that bloody dragon and Mordred's mental-yelling put together!

He apparently get dressed really quickly because by the time he is watching Morgana flappy-cloak her way out of Camelot he is out of his nightshirt and wearing his blue top and jacket.

**MERLIN** Stalking time! *stalks Morgana*

**MORGANA** *is oblivious to Merlin's stalking, despite his amazing un-subtlety*

**MERLIN** Hurrah for plot-invisibility!

Morgana arrives in the woods, which are empty except for her and a stalky-Merlin. When suddenly:

**SOUNDTRACK** *is ominously dramatic*

**MORGANA **Gah, there must be evil people here!

Sure enough, by the magic of camera movement Tauren suddenly arrives with his posse of bandits. He is obviously the leader, due to his awesome curved sword/scimitar/medieval-British katana.

**TAUREN** Meh, kill her

**MORGANA** No! I have the stone

**TAUREN** Oh yeah, and load of knights of Camelot too. Thanks for the stone by the way, but seeing as you are Uther's ward, Lady Mor_gan_-a, you will die now *points awesome medieval katana at her heart* (and I love the way he pronounces "Lady Mor_gan_-a")

**MORGANA **No! I am angry and I want Uther to DIE too!

**MERLIN** el gaspeth!

Tauren still isn't convinced so Morgana shows off her manacle scars.

**TAUREN **Meh, that does it for me.

**MORGANA** Stone? What? Why?

**TAUREN** Philosopher's Stone. Gold. Harry Potter.

**MORGANA** Gold? You mean you want to destroy Camelot's stock exchange?

**TAUREN** Hell yeah! ;D Oh, and I'm sorry about Gwen's father. Totally not my fault. Uther is a bastard. I was going to use the gold I made with the Philosopher's Stone to buy my way into the King's chambers so I can kill him.

Yeah, the last person on TV with the power to turn things into gold only ever used it, like, once (_Heroes _joke that no one will understand).

**MORGANA** I've got a better plan. You use someone close to Uther, like me

**MERLIN** ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap (etc.)

**XII – Back at Gaius and Merlin's room in Camelot**

**MERLIN** *inwardly* ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap (continued)

**GAIUS** Are you alright?

**MERLIN **Yeah

**GAIUS** Well, that is an obvious lie

GAH! MERLIN! JUST TELL HIM WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!

**MERLIN **I'll be off then *gets up to leave*

**GAIUS** Merlin, that's a broom cupboard

Ah, hurrah for the small points of awkward humour in the deep episodes.

Merlin heads down to visit his "friend" (hurrah for inverted commas), the Great Dragon and tell him his problems. Said dragon is asleep and snoring, until Merlin coughs at him loud enough to wake him up.

**GSD **Hello there, young warlock. Did you know I've been narrating advertisements for Sky TV involving King Arthur at the moment? It is the cause of much amusement for many Merlin fans in the UK. Anyway, what have you come to bother me about this time? I hope you'll actually pay attention this time, unlike with that Excalibur business.

**MERLIN **Tauren and Morgana are going to kill Uther

**GSD** Meh. Let him die. After all, he's the one who is going around murdering all the sorcerers

**MERLIN **Wow. I never thought it would be the student pulling "If I kill him I will become just like him on the mentor"

**GSD** If Uther dies then Arthur's reign can begin and magic can return to Camelot. It is your destiny!

**MERLIN **WHERE DOES IT SAY IN MY DESTINY THAT I HAVE TO COMMIT MURDER?

**GSD **Hey, Morgana and Tauren are the ones killing him, not you. FREE THIS LAND FROM TYRANNY! FULFIL YOUR DESTINY! *flies off to have a mug of destiny coffee*

**MERLIN **SCREW MY DESTINY! ... Actually that isn't a bad idea. Hm, maybe when this mess is sorted out, Arthur's no fun when he's brooding. Even if it is kind of hot...

**SOUNDTRACK** *is ominous*

**XIII – Uther's having his dinner, when Morgana interrupts**

**UTHER** Well, this is oddly déjà-vu-ish.

You're telling me. This is Mordred all over again. Morgana tells Uther that she is here to apologise for angering him

**MORGANA** I thought only of Gwen

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** *smallhappysquee*

**MORGANA** I mean, I know what it is like to loose a father

*innocent whistle*

**UTHER **I had no part in his death

Wow, he's quick to jump to the conclusion that she's being accusing...

*more innocent whistling*

**MORGANA **You sent him into battle. You sent him to his death and it keeps on happening

Morgana, I'd make your anger a little more subtle. You are supposed to have seen the error of your ways, play your part convincingly for crying out loud. Next thing we know she'll be smirking evilly every time anyone turns their back *sighs*

**MORGANA** I'm sorry, my lord *turns around and walks off, smirking evilly*

What did I tell you?

**UTHER **What did I say?

Seriously, he looks so confusified, it's adorable.

**X IV- Merlin is feeling conflicted. I think Arthur's brooding may suddenly have become contagious.**

**MERLIN** Do you think that Uther is good for the kingdom?

**GAIUS** Yes. Yes I do

**MERLIN** Brilliant. Both my mentors have different opinions, that is really freaking helpful. Everyone hates him

**GAIUS **Erm, well... Uther might be a bit of a dim idiot sometimes but he has brought peace and prosperity to this kingdom.

**MERLIN** Yeah. But he keeps killing people, when is that going to stop?

**GAIUS **When Arthur is king

**MERLIN** YOU REALLY AREN'T HELPING! What about making Arthur the king now?

**GAIUS** Arthur isn't ready; he isn't experienced enough (ignores implications of Merlin's last sentence)

**MERLIN** I'M SO BLOODY CONFLICTED!

**SYLAR FROM **_**HEROES**_ Hey! I thought that was _my_ catchphrase

**MITCHELL FROM **_**BEING HUMAN**_ You think you've got problems...

**MERLIN** Can you lot just bugger off and let me work this out for myself?

**GAIUS **I do trust you, Merlin. Whatever it is, I know you'll make the right decision

Merlin and the soundtrack aren't so sure.

Hm, Uther has found a window of watchfulness and is watching Morgana and Gwen and their flappy cloaks down in the courtyard, thinking. He soon finds Morgana (not in the courtyard) with a suggestion.

**UTHER **I really hate it when we fight

**MORGANA** Same here

**UTHER **So... I'm really sorry about what happened to Gwen's father and it making you remember your father's death and this is getting awkward so I'll stop

**MORGANA** No, no, it's fine. How about we go to visit my father's grave, I'm sure that will make everything better

**UTHER** Erm... weird request but okay. I'll make arrangements.

**MORGANA AND SOUNDTRACK** *ominous*

So, Morgana goes to meet Tauren that night near the entrance to Camelot. Merlin is still stalkering her.

**TAUREN **How's it going?

**MORGANA **Awesome. Uther's fallen for the bait. My father's grave, tomorrow morning. Date y/y?

**TAUREN** Are you sure you are committed to this?

**MORGANA** More than ever I want Uther dead.

**TAUREN** Then the deed is as good as done *Morgana leaves* Why do I get the feeling that this is going to come back to haunt me?

**XV- Merlin watches from the window of watching as Uther, Morgana and a load of knights ride away for their picnic at her father's grave**

**GWEN** What's up?

**MERLIN **okay?

**GWEN **Just about over the trauma. It's better than moping. Besides, Uther had already made up his mind to kill him

**MERLIN** I wouldn't blame you if you wanted him dead. What if you had the choice to kill him, would you?

**GWEN **No. That would make me as bad as him

**MERLIN** You know, you're right! Thanks for that motivation, I'm gonna go be an awesome now *runs off*

**GWEN** ... Teh scarf?

Merlin runs to his room and grabs the Sidhe staff from Episode Arthur-kissed-a-girl-and-liked-it.

**MERLIN** I knew that this would come in useful soon enough! Now to run through the castle with a magical object in full view and go save the king!

Meanwhile, the picnic group are being watched by Tauren's evil bandits. I wonder if they are Scottish too? Morgana's cloak is far longer than I am sure is necessary and very flappy and the wind is making it even more so. They get to a field and dismount.

**MORGANA **Hey, do you think all these knights could stay here whilst we go to my father's grave? You know. Alone. Hinthint nudgenudge winkwink saynomore

**UTHER** Yeah, sure thing. I'm sure we are in no danger. *leads Morgana up the grassy hill*

Meanwhile: Merlin is _running_! He reaches the horses but it seems that all the knights have once again become incompetent. And have been killed by bandits. Well done them, clearly they are the elite of Camelot's defenders. But Merlin has spotted the bandits and quickly gets them out of the way with the Sidhe staff.

At the grave, Morgana kneels down and Uther joins her, after sticking his sword in the ground for no adequately explained reason other than to make sure it isn't anywhere handy when he needs it.

**UTHER** Do you mind if I reminisce about your father deeply for a bit

**MORGANA** Erm...

And so Uther starts going on and on about how Morgana's father was the greatest man he's ever known and he stood for truth and valour and stuff and he was always saving Uther's life. Then he buries his face in the stones of the grave for a moment without explanation before carrying on waxing lyrical. All the while, it seems that Morgana is starting to question her motives, starting to be all sad that her father died when she was ten.

**UTHER** I'm really sorry that he died. I mean, I know that since you came to Camelot you have been stubborn and determined and bad tempered and fought me and challenged me as an equal.

Must have got it from her father.

**MORGANA **What about that whole dungeon thing?

**UTHER** Yeah, sorry about that as well. I'm really just a bit of a bastard.

**MORGANA **Gwen's father?

**UTHER **Yes. I was wrong to have had him killed

**MORGANA **... Oh

But Morgana's motive-questioning can wait. Methinks that Tauren has spotted Merlin! This can't be good. He takes out his Philosopher's Stone.

**MERLIN** Drat! Tauren! *fires teh magics from the Sidhe staff at Tauren*

**TAUREN ***blocks teh magics using the stone and fires them back at Merlin*

**MERLIN** That didn't happen in Harry Potter! *is hit and falls unconscious*

**LINGERING SLO-MO SHOT OF UNCONCIOUS MERLIN** *tries to make you think he's dead*

**AUDIENCE ***isn't fooled for a second*

**UTHER** *still waxing lyrical at Morgana* You are the daughter I never had, your council is invaluable as is your friendship and your love...

**CAMERA** *creeping towards Uther and Morgana*

**MORGANA** ohcrapphcrapohcrap

**UTHER** Without you I cannot be the King this land deserves, please forgive me, Morgana

**TAUREN ***right behind Uther with his awesome medieval katana* Oh, you had better not have had a change of heart now...

**MORGANA** NO!

**UTHER** Teh heck?

He turns round just in time to block Tauren's blow and start a dramatic fight scene on the hill

**UTHER **Why did I put my sword in the ground a really unhelpful distance away?

**MERLIN ***stirring from unconsciousness* What teh scarf is going on? *spots fight* Damn, there is no way I am going to make it in time.

It seems that Tauren has overpowered Uther, pinning him to the ground and pulling out a knife

**TAUREN** Die, Uther Pendragon!

**KNIFE ***stab*

**TAUREN **Oh bugger *dies*

And cue awesome dramatic shot of Tauren falling off screen to reveal Morgana just dropping the knife she used to kill him (which will be used in many fanvids to come... The shot, not the knife)

**MERLIN** Hey, I guess I didn't have to save the day after all. Well, that's awesome. Yeah, I'll just sneak away now *does so*

Further up the hill:

**MORGANA** I think I may be traumatised

**UTHER** Me too

Cue another awesome dramatic and slo-mo-ish shot of Uther and Morgana walking up to each other and hugging and the wind making their cloaks all twine together and the soundtrack is dramatic.

And, thus, much Uther/Morgana hate/comfort-fic sprang into being.

*innocent whistle*

**XVI- Gaius seems oddly happy**

**GAIUS** Ah, is he dead? I am now going to go on about the entire event without explicitly mentioning that you were there

**MERLIN** You do that

**GAIUS **So, how is everybody?

**MERLIN** Erm, slightly traumatised and conflicted but I'm sure it'll all even out by the next episode and we'll never hear of it again *runs off to his room to put away the... hang on, where is the Sidhe staff gone anyway?* Thanks Gaius

**GAIUS** *amused face*

**MERLIN** Why do I get the feeling that this is going to come back to haunt us all in a couple of series?

;)

* * *

**NEXT TIME **

It's the series finale, so we'll have a very ambiguous Next Time trailer, thank you. All we know is that Arthur may be dead, Nimueh is back and the shiz is going to hit the fan.

And I'll try to get it done within the next week.

Bye for now! :)


	13. The Finale

**Le ****Morte****D'Arthur****... Don't worry; the rest of the episode is in English. Anyway, welcome to the series finale in all its epic glory. Here is where the awesome is happening, people. Oh yeah.**

**I - A forest. How... quaint and average for the opening of a series finale**

Though the presence of Arthur, Merlin and a load of flappy-cloaked knights of Camelot does disturb the quaintness somewhat. They all seem very cautious. The camera angles are ominous. Obviously something bad is going to happen très sooneth.

One of the knights is holding a crossbow, but the angle made it look like a large rifle. I seriously just did a double take. Then I realised it was a crossbow.

Dammit, this is building up to a jump scare, isn't it?

There are some sounds in the distance like a creature roaring. It is very quiet though. Anyway, might as well take the time to show Arthur getting irritated at Merlin's hunting incompetence, this time by failing to hand Arthur a spear without dropping it.

**ARTHUR** Do you have any natural gifts, Merlin?

**FINGER OF IRONY** *continues to poke audience hard in the side*

Seriously, would you let up? Between this episode and the previous one I am getting a rather nasty bruise. Oh well, at least Merlin gets to insult Arthur back, before the creature starts roaring again. It sounds closer this time. You know, maybe it's because I watched it yesterday and therefore it is sort of fresh in my mind, but the roaring sounds an awful lot like the Krafayis from the _Doctor Who_ episode _Vincent and the Doctor_. Have we been recycling our sound effects, BBC?

OH HOLY CRAP JUMPSCARE! Knew it was coming. The creature leaps out into view and... hang on, give me a second why I try to work out what the scarf this thing is. Sort of a... giant snow leopard with the head of a cobra? Teh... what? Oh well, everyone seems pretty scared of it and it looks angry so...

RUN AWAAAAAAAY! (in slo-mo)

Seriously, Arthur, you had a spear and you were right next to it. Why didn't you just kill it?

And it killed Sir Bedevere. Complete with horrific scream.

Isn't Sir Bedevere one of the actual Knights of the Round Table? That might be an issue in the future.

(amusing note: my computer recognises the phrase 'Knights of the Round Table' and automatically corrects it to have capital letters. How awesome is that?)

**ARTHUR AND MERLIN** This is gonna suck.

**OPENING CREDITS (maybe this is gonna suck for the characters, but it is going to ROCK for us)**

**II- Luckily Gaius knows what the what is up with that weird creature**

It's called a Questing Beast. Weird name. Oh well, it's a weird creature. And it apparently foreshadows a time of great upheaval.

I love it when the show points out the foreshadowing for me.

**ARTHUR** Surely that's a myth

**GAIUS** Well so apparently were Griffins, Cockatrices-that-aren't-cockatrices, Unicorns, Avancs, Bastets and Wyverns. And sorcery and dragons are just common knowledge. Go figure

**ARTHUR **Sorry, what are Bastets and Wyverns

**GAIUS** You'll know soon enough

**UTHER **Kill it

Is that your solution for everything? Oh well, Arthur isn't going to refuse. Off to prepare (via training montage to cheesy music). But we stick with Gaius and Uther (probably because they can't really show what Merlin and Arthur are probably up to now). Gaius begs Uther not to ignore the omen, because he's seen it before, on the night Igraine died.

**UTHER** Oh no you din't.

Uther leaves. Gaius gives his best "bitchplz" face.

Later on- Merlin can haz sword? Gaius would rather give him advice on what to do about the Questing Beast, especially as its bite will kill you and there is no cure. I'm sure_ that_ plot point won't turn up again *shifty eyes* Merlin looks très worried.

And now the screen is on fire... Okay. Dragon, Merlin screaming, Merlin and Arthur running, dead!Arthur, Questing Beast...

**MORGANA** *screams*

**GWEN** This can't be good

**MORGANA ***traumatised*

**GWEN** Erm... hug?

**MUSIC** *dramatic*

**III- If there is one thing that Arthur is good at, its pep talks.**

Shame Morgana turns up in her nightdress to throw off his groove, screaming at Arthur not to go after the Questing Beast.

**ARTHUR** Morgana, go back to bed

But... it's the morning? Surely you should be telling her to be off to have breakfast or something.

**MORGANA ***traumatised*

Too traumatised to fight off Merlin, apparently, as she is quickly dragged back into Camelot.

**ARTHUR **Right, now that slightloy disturbing tangent is gone...

Off to the forest again. For some reason all the spears and crossbows (e.g. Long-range weapons of the type most sensible for hunting a dangerous animal) have been replaced by swords (e.g. short-range weapons designed for hand to hand combat with freaking humans which will mean you have to be closer to the beast and therefore in range of its deadly bite) *rolls eyes*

Luckily, The Questing Beast has left a trail of friggin' enormous footprints. Easy enough to follow. That or the sounds of it moving in the undergrowth.

Oh, look. A cave. That wasn't too hard. The knights split up into groups, one of which is Arthur and Merlin. Three guesses who is actually going to find the Questing Beast and the first two don't count. For a start, the skeletons all over the floor and echo-y hissing does not bode well

**QUESTING BEAST** HISSSSROAR! (translation: I'm right behind you, suckers!)

**ARTHUR** *pushes Merlin to safety*

The Questing Beast makes some very unusual but cool noises. Props to the sound department.

**QUESTING BEAST** *swipes at Arthur with claws, knocking him out*

Merlin does not like this and waves his torch around to distract the Questing Beast long enough to telekinetically lift Arthur's sword, cast teh blue magics from episode six on it and stab the Questing Beast with it. The result, dead Questing Beast.

**MERLIN **I knew that spell would come in handy in another episode. Well, the monster's dead within the first ten minutes of the episode, that was pretty easy, eh Arthur? ... Arthur?

**ARTHUR** *unresponsive*

**MERLIN** But it didn't bite you... *finds blood on Arthur's body* ARTHUR?

**IV- Gaius' room. The implication being that Merlin and/or one of the knights (on Merlin's orders) carried Arthur all the way back. Which is sort of adorable**

Unfortunately Arthur has been bitten and there is no cure. Gaius sends the knights away to tell the King.

**MERLIN **He cannot die! It is my destiny to protect him!

**GREAT SLASH DRAGON** Oh, now he pays attention to his destiny

He's so desperate, it's heartbreaking.

**MERLIN **We haven't done all the things we're meant to do

**MERTHUR SHIPPERS** *on the edge of their seats*

**MERLIN** Gaius... He's my friend

**FANDOM** *collective "awww"*

The King will be here any moment but that won't stop Merlin from speed-reading through every healing spell in his magic book. Unfortunately, as Gaius explains that none of them will work Uther's voice over is coming ever closer.

And the next few scenes are just heart wrenching. Uther desperate and pleading for Gaius to save Arthur then carrying him across the courtyard. Its some bloody beautiful directing and Anthony Head is acting his heart out, bless him. The music is no help, with its wailing-singer-herald-of-doom.

Damn, this episode is going to be hard to make funny.

**V- Maybe the Great Dragon can help, though after the last episode I don't think he's gonna be pleased with Merlin**

**MERLIN** I have failed in my destiny. Arthur was bitten by the Questing Beast and I don't want him to DIE!

**GSD** *really calm, for some reason* Does he still breathe?

**MERLIN **Erm... yeah, but I've tried all two healing spells in my magic book and they didn't work

**GSD** You do not know _how_ to save him

**MERLIN** Would you shut it with the riddles for two bloody seconds and tell me what to do?

**GSD **Well, I could tell you what you have to do but it will not be easy...

**MERLIN **TELL ME GODDAMMIT!

**GSD** *rambles about the Old Religion for eternity* The Old Religion is the essence that binds all things together

So... Duct Tape?

**MERLIN** ALL THE WHILE YOU ARE RAMBLING ARTHUR IS DYING HERE!

**GSD** *ramble ramble* Isle of the Blessed *ramble ramble ramble*

**MERLIN **Thank you

Why do I get the impression that the Great Dragon is enjoying this far too much?

**GSD** Oh, by the way, Arthur has to live no matter what the cost

**MERLIN **Yeah, okay *leaves*

**GSD **That is going to come back to haunt him later, I can tell

Back in Gaius' room...

**GAIUS** Oh, hi there. Take this potion to Arthur to ease his passing

Two points: **One**- Gaius is very calm about giving up on Arthur and **Two**- was that implied euthanasia on a BBC Saturday evening primetime family show? Whatever the case, Merlin is having none of it. He's off to the Isle of the Blessed to save Arthur! Unfortunately, Gaius is pretty passionate about Merlin _not_ going.

**GAIUS** There will be a price to pay, a life in return.

**MERLIN** I'm sorry, Gaius

*sniffle*

I have no jokes. This is all too deep and sad.

Meh, at least Arthur has his shirt off whilst he is dying.

I have a question... If the bite of the Questing Beast means certain death, then why does it take so bloody long? Plot convenience, I guess.

**VI- At least Gaius is helpful enough to supply Merlin with a map and a rabbit's foot to ward off evil spirits**

**GAIUS **I don't believe in superstition

You're in the wrong show mate.

Merlin gallops off (on a horse... if he was just galloping on his own that would be weird. Unless he had some coconuts). Meanwhile, Arthur is in pain and Uther is looking very sad.

This is sort of the reverse of episode four, only less suggestive and more deep.

Why is it that unconscious, writhing, in-pain people can always be calmed by having their cheek stroked and told "ssh" by a close friend or loved one?

Heroic Merlin reaches the Isle of the Blessed, whilst the Great Dragon narrates the directions. It sounds like it is an awful way away but it can't be taking Merlin that long to get there. Either that or Arthur is taking forever to die.

Back to Arthur (this episode really can't decide which scene to stick to can it?) Gwen has turned up to look after Arthur so Gaius can get some rest and the writers can shoehorn in the first proper Arthur/Gwen moment of the series so far.

**GWEN** *secretly ogling Arthur's bare chest* You aren't going to die, Arthur. I'm telling you (in a slightly patronising voice) because one day you will be king. A better King than Uther anyway. That's what keeps me going

And that is the only reference to Gwen's trauma in the last episode that we will get for a pretty long time.

GWEN *rambles on about Arthur being a great king*

I think everyone in Camelot might be a little psychic, I mean; everyone is always going on about how Arthur is going to be a great King and how awesome everything in Camelot will be then.

Uther isn't so sure, and I don't think the people of Camelot standing in the courtyard with candles, all staring up at him are doing any good for his moral.

**VII- The Isle of the Blessed, also called the Isle of the ridiculous amounts of mist**

**MERLIN **Can someone turn down the smoke machine? Seriously, I can't see a bloody thing

**SMOKE MACHINE BLOKE **Sorry

That's better. Ah, a boat with a bell and a flag that requires magic to get it to move. The bell reminds me of when plague victims and stuff would walk around with a bell on a stick as a warning.

Random note: The Isle of the Blessed should be Avalon, right? I mean, I think that is what the writers were going for. The issue there being that the lake it is in the middle of is unnamed and there is already a Lake of Avalon in this show and that was where Merlin chucked Excalibur. But that isn't really an issue here.

The Isle of the Blessed is... Deserted. And creepy.

**MERLIN** Hello?

**NIMUEH** Hello, Merlin

Is her voice just automatically seductive or is she doing it on purpose?

**MERLIN** You! I thought you had it in for me for killing your clay baby... And Arthur and Uther and Camelot in general...

**NIMUEH **I have what are commonly known as Heel-Face Revolving Door Motivations. And I got over the clay baby. And I'm creepy.

**MERLIN **Works for me. But you can't be who the Dragon meant, I mean... You're evil!

**NIMUEH **Weirder things have happened. Besides, you and Arthur are kind of important so I had to stop trying to kill you.

**WRITERS** *hope that hand wave will satisfy the fandom*

**NIMUEH** And now I'm going to help save Arthur. Heh, irony ;)

Her eyes are a really creepy blue

**NIMUEH** Somebody's gonna have to die, you know

**MERLIN** I'll happily give me life for Arthur's

**FANDOM ***more collective 'awww's*

**NIMUEH** I laugh at your naivety. *reaches off screen, grabs cup from props man and brings it back on screen* The Cup of Life. If Arthur drinks water from the cup he will live

IT'S THE FRIGGIN HOLY GRAIL! But anyway, with Nimueh nothing can be as simple as just conjuring water into the cup itself or getting some from a tap. Oh no, it has to be dramatic. So she magically makes it rain for just enough time to fill the cup.

**MERLIN **And now I'm wet. Was that really necessary?

**NIMUEH** No. I just wanted to make you wet and uncomfortable for teh Lols. *pours water from the cup into a interestingly shaped container then randomly grabs Merlin's arm for no reason other than to be creepy* The bargain is struck. I hope it pleases you

**MERLIN** You are way too creepy *leaves*

**NIMUEH** *watches, creepily* Oh. I'm evil.

I'm pretty sure she evil laughed right after the cut to the next scene.

**VIII – Camelot. Night... No wait, day... No wait, Merlin riding towards Camelot... No wait...**

Gaius seems very surprised to see Merlin.

**MERLIN **Water. Cup of Life. Arthur. Hurry up.

**GAIUS **Whose life did you bargain?

**MERLIN** Don't worry! Everything's going to be alright!

Well, that's a lie and both Gaius and Merlin know it. In Arthur's room, they give Arthur the water just in time for Uther to turn up

**UTHER **And what the heck is that?

**GAIUS** It's a tincture, sire. Totally just an average, non-magical cure

Gaius and Merlin leave Uther and Arthur alone. I think Merlin is waiting for the shouting-at of a lifetime

**MUSIC ***weeping angel scarechord*

**MORGANA'S ARM** *reaches out and grabs Merlin*

**AUDIENCE **GAH! WEEPING ANGEL! No, its only Morgana

**MERLIN **GAH! Morgana!

**MORGANA** Beware, Merlin. This is only the beginning

Well, the episode is only half way through. There's no way it was going to be that easy.

**DIRECTOR** *files scene in head for use again in series three... In an awesome way. Seriously*

**IX – Well, if Gaius did give Merlin a yelling-at we shall never know, because right now he's watching as Arthur wakes up from his bought of close-to-deadness**

And Uther wakes up as well

**ARTHUR ***adorable confused face*

**MERLIN** *in Gaius' room. Pacing*

**GAIUS** Arthur's alive.

**MERLIN** *adorable happy face*

**FANDOM (ESPECIALLY MERTHUR SHIPPERS)** *collective 'AWWWWW!'*

DAMMIT! ARTHUR'S GOT A SHIRT ON NOW! Luckily we know he is fine because he is being just as sarcastic as ever.

ARTHUR I think there must be someone watching over me and keeping me from harm

FINGER OF IRONY *poke. poke. poke.*

Uther is all smiley. It's nice.

**GWEN** *turns up just as Uther leaves*

**ARTHUR** Hey... You were talking to me (why am I reminded of a slightly drunk/hungover person by Bradley's acting here?)

**GWEN** Oh crap

**ARTHUR** You stroked my forehead

**GWEN** I was... tending to your fever. I was just talking. I don't remember what I said

**ARTHUR** Yes you do

Wow. Arthur's just come back from almost being dead and even he can see the hole you're digger Guine_vere_.

**GWEN** Gah, this is so awkward *leaves*

There's more where that came from next series.

But of course we still have a third of an episode to go and things can't be all fine and shiny and Merlin knows it. As a storm rages outside Camelot (they do have an awful lot of storms, don't they?) a hooded figure makes its way inside, finding its way to Gaius' room and opening the door with a hand covered in blisters and sores.

MORGANA *wakes up screaming... again*

**X – The next morning Merlin wakes up and stares at that rabbit's foot for a second before bounding happily downstairs**

**MERLIN **Hey, Gaius I'm alive... Oh crap, what's happened?

Despite Gaius' warnings he approaches the cloaked figure (who has collapsed on the floor) and sees that it's his mother, Hunith. Either that rabbit's foot bounced the balancing death off Merlin onto her or Nimueh is feeling really vindictive (I'm guessing the latter).

**MERLIN **What's happened to her?

**GAIUS** She's gravely ill

What? Covered in all those boils and sores, I never could have told. Merlin, understandably, is pretty desperate for Gaius to cure Hunith but the illness is deadly. I think Gaius is pretty sure this is down to Nimueh being vindictive as well.

But Merlin is determined to save his mother and runs down to the Great Dragon for answers. And he is not happy

**GSD** Well, you did say you would do anything to save Arthur. I did warn you that the "price to pay" thing would come back to haunt you.

Yeah, this is where we get the impression that our friend Sparky is not as pleasant a mentor as he first seems and is pretty much determined to do anything to make sure Arthur becomes King and magic returns to Camelot.

**MERLIN** Oh, I get it. You just want a free ticket out of here and you made me murder my own mother to do that

**GSD** And?

**MERLIN **Well, you can forget about being released then

Oh dear. Sparky is not pleased with that. Cue fire-breathing. Luckily Merlin is able to block it with a magical shield and tell Sparky that he won't ever see him again before leaving.

With one of his two mentors now out of the window, it is time for a sit down and a nice, quiet, sad chat with Gaius. Merlin wants to go back to the Island to save his mother and is making it damned clear that Gaius isn't going to change his mind. Cue speech about magic and how good Gaius has been to Merlin and how much he has taught hm.

**MERLIN** I need to say goodbye to Arthur.

**MERTHUR FANS** *teary, but still happy because Merlin cares so much about Arthur*

**OBLIVIOUS!ARTHUR** *is oblivious* So, yeah, I killed that Questing Beast then. Amazing. I must have retrieved my sword and stabbed it whilst unconscious. Oh, say thank you to Gaius for saving me, could you.

**MERLIN **Good lord, you're a prat. And a royal one

Yay! First episode callbacks!

**ARTHUR** Are you ever going to change, Merlin?

**MERLIN** No. You'd get bored

Oblivious!Arthur thinks that Merlin is trying to resign

**MERLIN **No. I'm happy to be in your service 'till the day I die

**OBLIBIOUS!ARTHUR** *seems to realise that something is up, even if he doesn't know what* Sometimes I think I know you, Merlin. Other times...

**MERLIN **Well, I know you. Just... don't be a prat *leaves*

**OBLIVIOUS!ARTHUR** Well... That was odd

**HALF THE FANDOM** *bawl eyes out*

**OTHER HALF** *eat popcorn like the heartless bastards they are*

**MERTHUR FANS** *memorise entire scene and file it away in memories for future reference *

And now Gwen is with Merlin's mother. She gets everywhere, doesn't she?

**GWEN** Oh, Gaius went to go and get some supplies

... That isn't suspicious at all.

More sadness as Merlin tells Gwen never to lose her good heart, then she leaves Merlin alone to promise his dying mother that he will make her well again.

Goddamit. This is making me cry. Especially as Merlin and Hunith appear to be going through two different conversations with one narrative, each convinced that they are going to die and promising they'll see each other again one day.

Why can't people on television just tell each other stuff properly?

**XI – The next day.**

Gaius is missing, but he's left a letter.

**MERLIN **This can't be good

**LETTER** I'm off to the Isle of the Blessed instead of you, k? Fulfil your destiny *drinks coffee* DON'T come after me.

**MERLIN** Screw that! *rides off to rescue Gaius*

**WORRIED!MORGANA** *watching from window of watchingness... worriedly*

**XII – Back on the Isle of the Creepy- erm, I mean 'Blessed' *hides from creepy Nimueh**

Nimueh has a thing for offscreen teleportation, doesn't she? Must be a villain thing.

**NIMUEH** Hi, bitch. Long time, no see. I'm guessing you want help again, because that went so well last time what with Igraine dying and Uther going all genocide-y on anything related to magic.

**GAIUS **Oh shut it. You're being far too vindictive so now you're going to take a just price for saving Arthur

NIMUEH *evil laugh* Gaius the hero? Well isn't that hilarious? Nah, I don't think so, traitor.

Her eyes are really far too blue.

**GAIUS** Merlin. Arthur. Destiny. *bitchplz face*

**NIMUEH** Works for me.

And we cut to Merlin, making it to the Isle of the Blessed just in time to hear Nimueh casting a spell of... some kind. No idea what but she's holding the Holy Grail (Cup of Life. Whatever) and Gaius is looking very dead in a heap on the ground.

**MERLIN **NO! STOP!

**NIMUEH** Too late bi-atch. Don't worry; your mother is safe now

Wrong answer, because now angry!Merlin is very, very angry. I think this calls for a shouting match!

**NIMUEH** THE OLD RELIGEON DOES NOT CARE WHO LIVES AND WHO DIES!

**MERLIN** STOP SHIFTING THE BLAME! THIS IS YOU'RE FAULT FOR BEING EVIL AND VINDICTIVE!

**NIMUEH **You forgot 'creepy'

**MERLIN** Yeah, that too

**NIMUEH **Oh, come on. We are too valuable to each other to be enemies

**MERLIN **If that was a chat up line (and I think it was) then no way. Besides, I'm taken

**NIMUEH** I can help Arthur become King

But Merlin is having no more of her bullshit. Time for a magic battle! This is very reminiscent of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_.

**NIMUEH** I don't think so. Priestess of the Old Religion 'pwns Warlock-in-Training *shoots fireball at Merlin*

**MERLIN** *dodges*

**FIREBALL ***hits a wall which FREAKING EXPLODES*

**NIMUEH** *conjures another fireball-of-doom* You should join me

**MERLIN** Let me think about i-NO.

**NIMUEH** *sigh* So be it *throws fireball*

**FIREBALL** *hits Merlin*

**MERLIN ***flies backwards, hits the ground and is obviously in pain*

**NIMUEH** *struts over* Pity. Together we could have ruled the world. *walks off to leave Merlin to die* That was disappointingly easy. So much for the greatest warlock ever to have lived.

Long pause.

**MERLIN** *eyes open*

Then he stands up and gives the most epic death-glare ever.

**MERLIN** You should not have killed my friend

**NIMUEH** *turns round in slo-motion looking smug*

And then Merlin summons FREAKING LIGHTNING from the sky to strike Nimueh and she FREAKING EXPLODES!

**FANDOM** *flock to the internet to complain about the effect used*

WHO CARES ABOUT THE EFFECT? SO WHAT IF IT LOOKED TERRIBLE, HE EXPLODED HER WITH LIGHTNING! HOW IS THAT NOT SEVERAL KINDS OF AWESOME?

And then it started raining. Which is always the downside of summoning thunderclouds and lightning to destroy your enemies. Merlin runs across to Gaius' body, but unfortunately he appears to be dead.

And, right on cue:

**MERLIN** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! *weeps*

**GAIUS **Ow. Earpain.

**MERLIN** Gaius? Teh scarf?

**GAIUS** What just happened?

**MERLIN** Killed Nimueh. Balanced death's books

**GAIUS** Awesome. Now can you stop this blasted rain?

And they both laugh and the soundtrack is triumphant (blimey Colin Morgan's legs are long) :D

**XIII – Unfortunately the Great Dragon is less than pleased**

**ANGRY!GSD **MERLIN! JUST YOU WAIT! I'LL BE THE BIG BAD OF THE NEXT SERIES, YOU'LL SEE! MERLIN! *ROARS*

**MORGANA ***wakes up, gasping this time, not screaming*

**SOUNDTRACK ***EPIC ominous chanting*

**MORGANA** This is not good...

Seriously. THAT is how you end your series. Honestly, just watch it, text alone can not do it justice it is awesome. Or maybe I am just weird and easily impressed but damn if the fandom was on the edge of their seats praying for the next series when this aired and I'm rambling and will shut up now.

**GSD** _MERLIN_!

**FIN**

**But don't worry people...**

**MERLIN WILL RETURN**

**And has done. Twice. Because I am so bloody slow and Youtube is so bloody useless. But hopefully- with time, DVD availability and a sprinkling of **_**teh magics**_**- The Amusing Reviews shall also return. However, before I get back to Merlin I have three episodes of **_**Sherlock**_** to review and I'll try to get those done before the next series in the Autumn, so long as **_**Doctor Who**_** hasn't turned me into a completely incoherent wreck.**

**Whether I will review every single episode of series' 2 and 3 remains to be seen. The slightly more serious tone and the tear-jerker-ness of episodes such as "The Lady of the Lake" and "The Fires of... Gah, I cannot be bothered to look up the spelling" may make them hard to review. But hey, series 3 means Gwaine and I'll be damned if I can't get some funny jokes based around him.**

**In the meantime, thank you very much indeed for reading and for reviewing this fic. If you spotted anything that I missed or have some observations that you think should make their way into the Amusing Reviews of the next two series, feel free to note them down in a review or PM me... Private Message, that is, not Prime Minister.**

***shifty eyes***

**This has been the Amusing Reviews for Merlin, Series One.**

**Queen out.**

**;)**


End file.
